“What are we doing today Dad??!! Its just the Three of us!!” Yep that’s right, Jordan has fucked off to another dog show in god knows where, leaving me and the kids to fend for ourselves…how would be cope? With a circus of course, an EXTREME CIRCUS!!
Hell yeah, the circus is in town (well in Cardiff…close enough), and Dad (my Dad) was desperate to go…and I couldn’t leave him hanging. He’d bigged this Circus up to me subtly, or not so subtly over the last few days, so much so that I actually thought he may be on commission from the Circus. Ok Paulos, I’ll take the bait, sign me up for a shot at CIRCUS EXTREME. Hopefully this isn’t one of those ironic names, I live for danger. Well someone else’s danger…I’m pretty danger averse and a little paranoid 🙄.
Right, onward to watch what promises to be a day of edge of your seat action, where I am sure to be spending a 2 hour stint traversing moral boarders of how I would react should one of the performers need medical assistance should a stunt go wrong…who am I kidding, if they need me, they’re buggered.
Only a brief 30 minute tantrum from Alaska on the way to Mam and Dads house, good thing I left early, as the 30 minute tantrum time out aside the A465 had pushed us close for time. I was already on warning of penalty of death at a delayed arrival by Dad…If I knew Kieron was going to be there, id have left earlier again. A fate worse than death would succumb…talk about Extreme. Stunts and Death Defying tricks had nothing on this.
Almost there, and a quick pickup of the creeper (aka Grandma) to creepily wave the kids adieu as if they were off to fight in wartime Germany…Calm down Mags, it’s the acts that are doing all the stunts, we’re just watching, Im sure they’ll be perfectly safe. Best not tell her about the volunteer element of the Circus where I have put the kids names forward to juggle fire and do some knife tricks…I’ll save that for the post circus video reel.
Off to the circus then, Anya and her plate of pizza in tow. Fuck sake Anya, could have eaten that before hand, the car stinks of 5 cheese and BBQ sauce, and you know Alaska is a cheese fiend. Yep that’s right, we’ve picked up some extras for todays misadventure. Dad and Anya are accompanying us to the circus, and Kieron, Sam and Atticus are also joining…yay!! Fletcher cousins together, what could go wrong?!
Parking is mental, it’s the last day of the Cardiff date and its sunny so of course every fucker and their dog (not condoned in modern day circus’ I may add) has turned up to bay for blood and watch some extremely talented performers try avoid death as the crowd watches in sadistic anticipation. Sick fuckers aii.
The kids must have caught wind of the atmosphere and entered extreme dick mode and ramped up their mischief...god help us. Maybe a Maccas will calm them down…Anya’s cheese feast had tantalised their tastebuds and gave them a hankering for some chicken nuggies. A quick stint at the slowest McDonalds in the world ensured I hammered my Filet o Fish (aka the waste of money-wich) and we had to leg it to the Big Top with a pair of unhappy meals in tow. Extreme moment number 2 swiftly followed, as we dodged traffic and fought Anya off the kids chicken nuggets on the way over…I’d take high wire walking and trapeze over that any day.
Ahhh the smell of the circus, nostalgia with a hint of Churros…delicious. Quick ruined selfie (cheers Alaska), and its time to take our seats. Finally, some respite. The kids erupt with excitement (like they needed any more enthusiasm) as they spot their Aunty, Uncle and Cousin. Sorry guys, enjoy the next few hours of hell…time to relax Dean. Mind you, we did child swap, as Atticus chilled next to me for most of the show…hes so much more chilled than the duo of destruction aii.
Nice one Dad, thanks for the flashing shit…kids love it, adults not so much. I mean, having a flailing flashing wand waved dangerously close to your face for 2 hours... whats not to love? Oh and topped up with a bucket of Candy Floss? I was beginning to worry the kids weren’t hyped enough, glad we invested in the extra sugar boost. EXTREME!!
Bloody hell, its over 20 degree heat outside, and the tent has a grand total of fuck all air conditioning…wonderful. Its bloody boiling here and scented with a not so subtle hint of farts and popcorn…and that’s just from Anya. Yep, I couldn’t wait for this.
The 2 minute curtain call sneaks up on us and the ring erupts in high production visuals and audio…the screens flash with scenes of the Willy Wonka Experience and Rishi Sunak (presumably to preempt potential disappointment by way of showing the dim realities of UK entertainment)…and away we go!!
A singsong kicks off proceedings, the ring mistress for the evening erupts in a rock medley followed around by some guy whose most extreme trick was hitting a D minor chord on the old geetar. All I could think was ‘fucking hell, she must be boiling in her PVC pants’, no wonder why the following acts were wearing less than you’d see in most strip clubs…not that I would know.
Some spinning ring bloke (best way to describe him) hits the ring and a quartet of drummers hammer a bin whilst being suspended 100ft in the air. Even the simplest things were made just that little more dangerous…mind you I have been to some gigs where the drummers end up suspended from the ceiling, so these guys had a bit to do to catch up.
Here we go then, this was fucking mental…not sure what its official name is, but 3 blokes arrived to tackle the suspended hamster wheel. That may actually be the official name now I think of it…hmm. This was mental, seen it in the past, but it never gets old. No safety net, nothing but a thin crash mat to soften a 100ft fall…sure that would make a world of difference…the difference between death and quadriplegia I assume. Now they are outside of the hamster wheel and the crowd are baying for blood!! Be more extreme please, the circus demands it!! Skipping? Front flips? Yep that’s cool, but where is the element of danger? Ahhh, a blindfold, that will do it!! Amazing skills.
As we catch our breath, along comes the fucking clown to heighten the anxiety levels of the crowd, chucking popcorn over every fucker (Anya, close your mouth!!) and stealing children. In the real world, that would be kind of frowned upon…ask Mikey, but in the circus, we all cheer and clap as a man in makeup steals children from their parents. Pennywise got nothing on this bloke...Keep an eye out for the mug shot.
Right, off you go clown, return the child and get back to the sewers. The roller skaters are about. Nice to see a couple partake in a joint activity. Jordan has been trying to get me to show poodles to no avail, maybe she should ask this bloke how he managed to get his partner to agree to be flung around a 6ft suspended platform by her neck and ankle…a god amongst men.
Out comes the distracting Ballet Dancer to lull the crowd into a Black Swan sense of security before the X-rated skyflying lovers take to the air. Soft erotica filled the tent as this pair flew dangerously close to breaching the 12A show rating and held off treating us to a live sex show in favor of a 100ft spinning mouth dance…yes I realise my descriptions are likely not doing the feats of acrobatic skill justice.
Back to the bloody clown, here to terrorise some poor adult this time. On the hunt for a muscular man. Thank fuck for that, my little arms were a savior for once…I’d never been so thankful to have the body type of Mr Tickle. Nice one clown, this poor fucker being subjected to an enforced striptease again tickled the boundaries for this circus, as the volunteer was tackled by stewards when he took the Full Monty music as an invitation to get bollock naked on stage. Cover up bud, it’s a family show…you know, barring the softcore porn vibe the costumes and acts thus far are throwing off.
A tightrope walker, complete with chair balancing began the conclusion of part 1, all the while the kids had their own little game of music chairs going on…they were getting into this and wanted in on the show clearly. Half time couldn’t come quick enough as Alaska had by now realised that her Happy Meal has fallen foul to a bit of chicken nugget thievery by her brother and grandfather…SHE WAS RAGING!! So much so that Uncle Kieron took pity at the farse and bought her some Churros to stop the rage. Yep, he’d also grown up with Paige and her rage, and could see what was coming…Smart move bud.
Half time is almost here, but the best act of the first half was yet to come…the Trapeze artist, Lionel Richie’ing the tent and dancing on the ceiling…Literally. He was on a madness and gave a Ninja Warrior/Gladiator hang tough course a go using her ankles. His ‘Bad Guy’ entrance music didn’t quite do him justice…this guy was a Badass!!
Half time, more Churros and the obligatory slush…for Anya. Shes 19 mind!! Paul was loving life and had made a beeline for the back stage to get some autographs and chuck his pants at the Hamster Wheel men; only to be tackled by security and asked to leave. Luckily he managed to sneak back in just before the second half started…
Dancers dressed as Cleudo pieces hit the stage as a distraction from the high wire performers. What the hell? The clown is back?!! This time though, he wasn’t there to piss about…he meant business!! My god, this guy was proving his worth and fire skipping atop the high wire. He was more than just a fuck around clown, this guy was bossing it!
Next up, some woman beating shit out of a pool of water before spinning around the ring splashing the punters like something you’d expect at Seaworld. I did wonder why the first few rows were designated Splash Zones. I struggled to see the point of the pool of water if I’m honest…well, beyond making her outfit see through. Hmm, now I understand the stream of 5 star reviews of the show…mainly from Paul.
The clown makes a brief reappearance for a food fight…fucking clowns, and they the finale!!!
GLOBE OF DEATH!!! 1 biker? Nope..2?,3?...4 bikers…in a globe!! Fucking mental, how they didn’t hit each other is a mystery…well not really, its more talent I expect. This was insane though and well worth the label of the show. To finish the show, a ramp and crash mat appeared and 3 extra stunt riders flew over the audience, throwing all sorts of tricks and stunts. Absolutely insane, and all within the confides of a tent. I mean, I’m sure I could do it if I tried, but you know…I haven’t tried.
Sandstorm erupts and the tent descends into carnage as strobes kick off and a rave ensues…
Paul was loving life and reliving his youth, flinging is top around his head dancing like a coked up 20 year old. No idea where he managed to get the UV body paint from, but he was owning it.
Fair play, that circus was amazing, and really glad we went. Dad was right, it was the best circus around and some of the stuff they did was wild!!
Quick potter around Costco to calm us down and spend a some money on an unnecessary purchase of bulk muffins, and we were ready to go home…
Great afternoon out…oh and Elsa did well apparently.
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