Argghh it’s time to get up already!! Same thing every year, a solid 3 hour sleep and I’m back up to prep food, feed animals and take Tony the Turkey out of the oven…All before the kids manage to stir and start to discover whether Santa has been. Trying my best to keep quiet for fear of awaking the demons…umm I mean children, I prepped food like a boss. The years of fruit ninja were finally paying off only to be narrowly threatened by Mags entrance
to morning using every tactic in her inventory to subtly make as much noise as possible.
Poor Gray must have been bricking it, he’s been a sassy ball of sass for the last few days…blame pent up Christmas mania, and we’d told him that we have a direct line to Santa and that we’ve forwarded the memo that Grayson should be added to the Naughty list. Coal and disappointment surely awaited? Nah…he knew we were full of shit and Santa would never associate himself with anyone to do with the Fletcher family. Fortunately we are good family friends with the Easter Bunny though after our great grandparents fought alongside in the Great Holiday Mascot wars of the early 19th Century. That’s a story for another day though.
Tony hops out of the oven…”I smell bloody delicious!!”…yeah you do mate, let’s hope the cats don’t maul you while you cool on the side, you’re the main event. Yep I’m knackered, madness had set in…and I dared judge the cast of yesterday’s panto.
Balls to it, I’m off back to bed, maybe I can grab a quick hour or so before the havoc and madness that befalls an anxiety ridden father on Christmas Day. I was already dreading the rubbish pile of Christmas wrapping and the frantic a Christmas dinner prep.
“DAAAAADDDDDYYYYY!!”…fuck sake, no rest for the wicked I guess, come on Gray, jump in for a cuddle. It’s still dark outside, look babe, Santa hasn’t been yet. He saw through my bullshit like a shit sifting Christmas detective panning for nuggets of truth. “Nah dad, it’s getting light”. I know it is bud, but I may genuinely have a festive breakdown due to exhaustion. Why the hell I decide constructing toys on Christmas Eve is a good idea I’ll never know…yeah I mean I save a tenner and stick it to the man at the time of purchase, but playing elf at 1am isn’t as cool as it seems…I was genuinely empathising with Buddy this morning. At least I had some boss Christmas movies to keep me company.
Just half hour ok Gray? Then I’ll check if Santa has been…”I know, you go check now and I’m gonna go say…wake up little nij, it’s Christmas!”. Damn you Gray, I’m up, let’s get cracking.
Bloody hell, he’d been…there were stockings left in the hallway for the kids…where the hell did they come from? Come on then kids, back to empty the contents all over the bed and wake mammy up…sorry Jo, no choice I’m afraid.
“oooo thanks daddy”…its ok Loo, but they are from Santa…sure they are, there was no fooling her, she wasn’t convinced about the noises outside the house and constant ring doorbell notifications being Elves scouting ahead for sleeping children (damn that sounds creepy thinking about it)…”ok, thanks Daddy!”…no worries hun, Santa can’t take all the credit. Though I wish he would, the bloody idiot appeared to be mixing up stocking presents and leaving the price on some of the toys…fucking amateur. Something that didn’t go unnoticed I may add. They let the stocking mix up slide, but ripped into Santa for the whole price omission. Yeah, Santa got them on sale, times are hard, just enjoy your ninja minions and ignore the other stupid shit.
Right, that’s enough of that, let’s go see if the big man has dropped you guys some presents. Alaska had been watching Jordan eye up her chocolates as she’d been emptying the contents and decided that the trust bond between parent and child didn’t exist when chocolates are involved…unlucky Jo. Alaska chucks her stockings over her shoulder and marches to the living room to see how good Santa has deemed her this year. I was excited at the prospect of finally having enough coal for the fire, but lo and behold Santa had deemed the children to be on the nice list…these kids must have friends in high places.
Their faces….their little faces lit up with so much excitement and joy seeing their presents and generally having a great time opening them and helping each other…Christmas is truly magical. “Put it in your own pile!!”. Ahhhh yes, whenever I get concerned that Grayson has none of my characteristics, he breaks out a proper Fletcher attitude to his Christmas presents. Open presents, set in a designated pile and don’t let your siblings presents within touching distance. I do wonder if it’s just us that are crazy people or whether this is an actual thing 🤔
Following the drawing of the treaty to where presents were to be designated (which took the best part of an hour with Margaret being the mitigator), we finally had a system in place; Grayson would utilise part of the floor for his presents, and Alaska would put hers right next to his and not give a shit about his protests…sounds fair. Grayson proceeded to demonstrate his mentalist abilities by guessing which present was coming next, we may be on to something as he was pretty bang on, though to be fair, a handful of action figures in identical boxes can only really be packed one way…but yeah, you do you kid, we are blown away.
…”ahhh it’s a Barbie, I wanted that!” Glad to hear Loo Loo. “Ooo I wanted that, the birds dancing one”…no idea if she’s ever seen a furby to be fair, and no idea why I decided to get her one…who doesn’t love hearing a creepy voice from down the corridor in the silence of night?!...no not Alaska, the furby; I swear the last one we had had batteries that lasted forever and even randomly kept getting set off up the attic…creepy as fuck. Well my parents told us it was a Furby, I dare not ask questions, I fear the answer for. You’ll never know the elation of getting everything your kids wanted…even if they were saying it before even opening the wrapping. Loving the enthusiasm Alaska, try not to take the piss though.
Right, pick up the wrappers please, what do you think this is? Christmas or something??!! Let’s keep it tidy! Good little Alaska was helping and cleaning up after herself…Grayson on the other hand tried to help by disintegrating the wrapping by kicking it at the speed of light. Grayson, booting the hell out of the paper isn’t helping, just pick it up mun!
Grayson had won the race to finish opening his presents, and surprisingly mags runs in with a bottle of champagne for him and we take pics on a podium before Gray douses us all in his winnings…well done kid, now for the anxious wait for Alaska to finish so you can open your shared pressies.
Finally the tortoise finishes and spares no time in frantically tearing in their shared pressies faster than Grandma can tear into a pack of my M&S mince pies…like a bloody animal spurred on by orange peel and sultanas. Popeye got nothing on her!
Some games, a new couch for them both to finally stop the arguments over the single chair and a new arts and grafts trolley and table…pretty fun, though I am dreading the chalk cloud they are bound to drum up over the next few days…why oh why did I think paints, chalk and felt pens were a great gift idea? Prepping for the Art Attack reboot clearly.
Ooo and a little pressie between me and Jo? What could it be? Her bloody face when we opened it to find a Robot Vacuum cleaner. I thought this was a class gift, but Jordan’s face told me otherwise. Like I know she enjoys watching Mags cleaning the house and that, but anything to lighten the load on the 83 year old house keeper. Let’s hope the machine doesn’t explode when it sees the task ahead of it. I honestly feel sorry for the robot, no wonder they always end up revolting.
Finally finish the marathon, and time to chill…Bacon sannies and Muppets Christmas Carol (honestly the best Christmas movie…deny it, I’ll fight you!). The next few hours were a blur of tiredly watching Muppets and Arthur Christmas before I psyched myself up to tackle Lunch…this was not going to be fun. We did have a gift exchange between myself and Jordan in this time also…I couldn’t wait to see which manner of Elsa memorabilia would burden this Christmas. I didn’t have to wait long before finding an Elsa shaped, Elsa photo cushion…damn it! I mean thanks babe, this is wonderful. I bloody love it really, and this teamed with the Scarlett version made for a class present. So that’s 3 significant events I’ve had poodle presents for…hmm I dread to think what I’ll get next.
Right, I’m in the zone…like a precision military op I slowly work through the veggies and components of the lunch. Jordan even helped with the starters (something she has told be is part of my Christmas present). Turkey, stuffing, veg, yorkie puds, gravy…check. Right everyone at the table whilst I change. “Ahhh no Artie no mun!!”…what’s happening? The bloody dog has stolen the Turkey, well a few slices. She was clearly raging that we hadn’t set a plate aside for her, especially since Jordan had set up a place at the table, a cracker and hat for Elsa. I was raging when she won the cracker pull, and a little amazed when she started reading out the jokes…we were howling with laughter…ha, howling…get it? ...Balls to you all!
Banging dinner if I do say so myself, Tony Turkey was well cooked and we had a boss selection of food. Heston Blumenthal even made an appearance, or so you would have thought. Apparently mixing mash in with Yorkshire puddings make it all taste like cheese…nah Gray, think your maybe telling a few little porkies in blankets there. But hey, if you’re happy with that, you crack on kid.
No sooner had we finished than Mikey, Mam, Dad and Anya arrive to add more presents to the mass. Damn, we spent a full day condensing the play room, and now we’ve filled it back up in a few hours…cheers guys, generous as hell, but I can’t walk around my living room at the moment. Some genuinely awesome gifts though, we are very lucky.
Alaska was clearly enjoying having the family around on Christmas Day, treating Anya to a little home made present…a nappy full of Alaskas very own Christmas dinner…eat this Anya!! Alaska launches her poo filled present at Anya’s head. Direct hit, the crowd goes wild as Anya is temporarily blinded as chemical warefare befalls Christmas Day once again. Anya wasn’t too offended mind, I guess you can use that as real life experience for your midwifery interview next month?
It all went a bit chill from there on, only urine was flying around (mainly as Anya was thirsty) we laughed, we had fun and we had mince pies…well not Anya, she was full. Time to chuck my feet up, watch some more Christmas movies and build some more of Grayson’s toys whilst he watches from the comfort of the sofa...oh and serenades me with the Pokémon theme song as sung by Pikachu...now that was some strange assed Christmas magic right there; how the hell is he still awake??!!
Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you’ve had as great a day with your families as I have with mine!!
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