Bloody hell where is the daylight??! Ahhh yes it’s 4am…fuck sake! Yep up dark and early for today’s adventure…CHESSINGTON WORLD OF ADVENTURES!!! Only about 3 hours away, so you could be forgiven for wondering why the hell I was up before the birds had decided to break into singsong (you should have seen the look on the animals faces when I fed them all that early), but Jordan was showing Elsa at 8am in Windsor, so needs must an all that. Sleep is for the weak anyways :(
Surprisingly Jordan had got the kids up and dressed at the conclusion of the startled animal morning feed schedule and was raring to get going…almost like she couldn’t wait to be placed 3rd in her class and sit in the cold for 2 hours at the end of the day…SPOILER.
Goodness me, I am so damn tired today, could have done with a lie in rather than 4 hours sleep and a 3 hour drive, but I had promised the kids a fun day out, and damn it, that’s what we were going to do!! I’m not saying I was rough, but the Whisperers tried to recruit me and Rick Grimes took a swipe at me…the one handed dick!! (yep I have just started watching the new Walking Dead series). About 2 hours into the drive, I have to tap out faster than plumber removing a bathroom sink (some next level humour there), and relinquish driving responsibilities, and consequently our lives to Jordan!!! Dun, Dun, DUUUUUUUUUN!!! Shes not that bad to be fair, though I was awoken to the sound of her dry wiping the windscreen for some reason…yeah ok, maybe she needed some rest too?
Finally arrive at stop number 1, and drop Jo and the cloud off…to enter the new aged gladiatorial ring of the poodle…Hairspray and Slicker Brushes replace the nets and spears of the old Roman Colosseum, with an equally bloodthirsty crowd. Yeah, I’m more than happy to avoid the bloodbath (minus the blood). Enjoy guys, I’m actually going to have a bit of fun (well when Dad and Anya arrive to share the burden).
Sat nav in, Chessington here we come!! Wait a minute, the fuck is a ULEZ charge??!! Ahhh the good old council of London have managed to find a way to screw yet more people out of money by enforcing an Ultra Low Emission Zone literally about 100 feet from the entrance to Chessington, ensuring that I would have to pay the privileged sum of £12.50 to enter the Greater London area. They clearly knew what they were doing, the absolute dickbags!!
The stress and clambering for any means to get out of payment and avoid pissing money straight into the sewers of London caused me to pull over and reevaluate my life…I’m not dramatic, you are!! You know what they say though, when life gives you lemons…jump out of the car and grab a Latte and a hand full of Italian pastries!! Sound advice, and oh look, an Italian coffee shop right next to me, its clearly meant to be!! Handful of Cannoli’s and some other biscuity things, and now my only worry was the kids waking up to share some…ah I best wait, Karma will get me otherwise.
Stocked up on caffeine and the scent of freshly baked pastry, I pushed past the imminent charge and headed to our destination.
Jordans early start meant that we made it in time for Chessington rope drop, and a parking space literally at the entrance to the park…see, everything was coming up Milhouse now.
Ahhh see this is why I don’t like getting to these parks early, the bloody queues!! It wasn’t quite Magic Kingdom or IOA rope drop, but it was still enough to give me anxiety and give me the mentality of a black Friday shopper…move out of the way!!! Why is everything taking so long??!! Madness mun, I’m here for a chilled out day today, not like I can get on Mandrill Mayhem or anything before Dad and Anya arrive anyways. Calm down Dean, save the energy for Florida in September!
World of Jumanji first (we had been sent to park at the back entrance to the park), and some decent time to wander around this area. We had given it a look back in March, but didn’t spend a great deal of time here due to the main attraction being closed, and it being damned miserable. Disappointing to see Grayson had not grown exponentially since March though, maybe we need to add more fertilizer to his pot and park him in the sun a bit more…so close though, better get on it for September. Still, despite this, and the lack of ability to actually ride anything here, we had a nice explore around the area. Managed a quick game of the Floor is Lava (where Alaska gave up and decided she would rather sacrifice herself to Tefiti than actually do any form of physical exercise), and an even quicker game of ‘waste Daddys money’ with some midway carnival cons before eventually leaving to explore some more of Chessington. There were Worlds of Adventure to explore, and so far Jumanji had began to suck the adventure out of me quicker than it did to poor old Alan Parish. Well that combined with the fact that Alaska kept legging it for the Mamba Strike…best move on before she gets engulfed in the game, goes missing for 20 odd years and comes back chased by a rogue hunter.
Shit, forgot Grayson’s medication (poor bugger has tonsillitis…AGAIN!! Time to flaunt the rules of the security checks like a badass and vault the 3ft high fence to the van…yep we had parked that close, and feeling like a badass, I was back in the park quicker than you Mandrill Mayhem could do a loop of the land. That’s right, badass up in here!!! Though I did ask securities permission first; we wont think about the potential concern that they don’t recheck you once you have left and returned as long as you ask permission…hmmmm.
Had a quick wander around the rest of the park, feeling nostalgic wandering the Worlds of Wild Asia and Land of the Tiger. Its really cool to see how the areas have been rethemed. Last time I was here as a kid, Wild Asia was Beanoland (when that was relevant and there were catapulted water balloons littering the skyline and the echoes of Dennis the Menaces antic traversing the airwaves. Ahhh I love a bit of nostalgia and its brilliant to recollect where everything use to be, and what is still used. The land was pretty sparse to be fair, but had a nice little retheme. The same with the Tiger Rock ride, previously Dragon Falls. Nice retheme, always great to have actual Tigers walking overhead as an element of jeopardy too…missed a trick with the omission of Eye of the Tiger loudly pumping over the speakers in place of the peaceful musical vibe they currently have…nevermind, there is always room for improvement.
Finally, the call I was waiting for, Dad and Anya had finally arrived following Anya’s brief stint as human sat nav. Probably the last time Dad trusts her with a simple task that a modern day phone has taken on quite well, though he did have a nice tour of Kingston Upon Thames shopping centre as a Sunday morning scenic detour. Finally here though and that’s what matters!! Though I did have my own taste of Anya’s dismal ability to know where she was as she made me walk across the entire park before realising she was at the same entrance that we had originally came through. Bloody hell mun, shes supposed to be going to Uni in Bristol in September, I wonder if she should start he journey now to ensure she gets to the right place.
Tomb Blaster for the first ride then, nothing like a shooting game to relieve the stress of a day with Anya and the kids. Only 15 minute queue, and to be fair, the vast majority of that was spend wandering the upper deck of the queue line before we realised you had to descend some stairs to enter to enter the actual ride. IDIOTS!! Anya’s lack of directional ability had infected us all like some form of now pandemic and we had wandered in circles for ages before realising. This was a good ride mind, “One of the best shooting rides I have been on!!” (Paul Fletcher.2024). Yep solid review there Dad, nothing to do with the fact that you had demonstrated your scarily strong trigger finger and wrist action (I dare not ask where his nickname ‘Iron Wrist’ came from).
With the torment of defeat fresh in my head, we send Dad and Anya off on the Rattlesnake – a wild mouse style coaster that tests your ability to withstand a cardiac stress test via induction of fear of leaving the track. Think we’ll give this a miss, Gray isn’t tall enough anyways. Perfect time to complete our collection of Annual Pass reprints. Chessington was the final piece of the ‘screw me out of more money for a lanyard and picture card update’ trifecta, but it’s a limited edition thing, and obviously I need it…fucking loser!! This did prove more difficult than anything mind, and I was sent on a metaphorical treasure hunt to find ‘The Lodge’. I literally walked miles to the Hotel, before being redirected to the park entrance ticket office…Just call it the pissing ticket office mun and avoid all the confusion. Or maybe I’m the only idiot that appeared at the hotel querying a ticket reprint? Who knows…not me for sure.
“Ive Levelled up!!”…Yeah you have Gray, strong Jumanji reference there too, extra point for you kid. Come on then, where to next? Sealife? Yep ace, lets go. Grayson has got a new obsession with fish…you know because hes bored of the other cool exotic animals we have and decided a Goldfish was top of his wishlist for Santa this year...well that or a Puffer fish. Speaking of which, a Puffer Fish followed by a ream of facts (though I can’t say for certain they were actually factual) from Grayson, and some making up of Dog Shark facts; ‘it’s called a dog shark because it barks like a dog’…yeah ok Cap’n Bullshit.
Come on then Captain, back to catch up with the others, Gray managed to get a well deserved telling off from climbing random scenery in search of Reindeer before we head for the Wild Woods to meet the Grufallo. I’m still bitter about the shit transformation from Prof Burps Bubble Works (something that even Merlin seem disappointed in through the reams of merch still available), bit Alaska and Gray love it. Dad hasn’t been on this since the transformation, and was equally as disappointed that the smell of Lemonade had been replaced by lemon scented Grufallo farts (we blamed thr ride but it may have been Anya now I think of it). It will always be Prof Burps, and a petition is now in the works with a collective signatory power or myself and Dad…expect its return never.
At least the Vampire is still here though, and time for the days ride on it. Me, Dad and Gray head for it whilst Anya takes Looloo for a few kids rides…The shoulder restraints apparently make Anya claustrophobic and relive the days of her alien abduction and probing (though we ensure her it was a dream, she proclaims reality and has been mentally scarred). Damn, the Vampire had a crazy queue, which had obviously got to Dad and Gray as Dad tried his best to steal tombstones for his Halloween decs whilst Grayson bounced off the walls like an Arkham inmate…yes very strange. Its nice to be the most ‘normal’ one here.
This is a great ride mind despite being almost as old as I am, it kicks a hell of a lot and swings you around the track…please don’t retheme this Merlin. Great ride pics, quick snap them up before they disappear…’you’re there Dad, next to me and Gray’. Oh wait, nope that’s not us, best delete those pics for breach of GDPR, we are over here…how the hell can we forget what we look like mun!!
All that embarrassment had worked up our appetite, and Anya and Alaska had already eaten. Head for the Chippy for lunch and the most delicious, strange concoction available…the Chippy sausage dog!! Battered Sausage in a roll, on a bed of mushy peas, covered in curry sauce, onions and gerhkins…bloody marvellous!! Bog standard fish bites for Dad, and a pot of Mayonnaise for Grayson (well he had a full meal, but all he ate was the Mayo…bloody kid). Following so Ramsey-esque food reviewing from Dad, we left in piles of batter and scrumps and headed off to continue todays adventures.
Wandered back round Mexicana and Adventure Point, and back to Tomb Blaster to regain some pride and show Paul whos the real MVP!! Alaska, afraid of the potential repercussions of another Paul voctory began shaking with fear whilst Grayson set about psyching Dad up… “Come on Paul!!”. It’s ok we gave Paul a brain injury via lasers to sabotage him, which clearly worked as I schooled him this time!!
By now, Jordan had begun her desperate pleas to get me to collect her ASAP following the conclusion of her show 2 hours prior, setting about reminiscent scenes of when we left Grandma June to enjoy the Holy Land Experience in Florida back ion 2005 whilst we enjoyed Universal. Wont be long babes, just a quick few rides left!!
And just like that, it was time to depart…’FLETCHERS…DISASSEMBLE!!!’ Calm down Paul, you ain’t no Captain America, put the hammer down!! One last Freestyle refill in Jumanji, and we set upon or separate journeys back home. Though with Anya’s sense of direction, I do wonder if they ever made it back home.
Quick game of Hide and Seek on pick up by Jordan as we spend the best part of 15 minutes trying to locate a wandering woman complete with jazzy Poodle, and it was time to head home. Long assed day, both shattered, but I had fun…not sure about Jordan. Oh, and I think my new penchant for Vlogging has got to Grayson…’We are YouTubers…we aren’t famous, but we are Youtubers’. Cheers kid, boost the channel and all, but not sure the Starbucks server wanted to know.
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