Daddy Daughter Day

Right…it’s the day of the year where Gray and Jordan bond over their love of dogs and plot how best to manipulate me into buying a pug or poodle (I fully expect at least 3 “aww Grayson just saw a Pug and now is desperate for one” messages across the day). Yep…it’s Crufts ‘Best in Show’ day. The day where the best of the best meet in the main ring to duke it out for literal ‘Top Dog’ while the others (or losers as they will be known thereafter) leave with the same feelings of inadequacy as Elsa did just two days ago. Ha…not so high and mighty now ey? What have you got to show for it??!! Oh…a best in breed AND best in class?; damn that’s quite impressive…a loser today though. I’ve got your back Elsa; wait…umm I mean…suck it Elsa, you stupid poodle 🙄. That’s more like it.

All this to say…ITS DADDY DAUGHTER DAY!!! Yay, the day the Nij takes me on a date and fleeces me for all I own…well if Jo and Gray don’t do that first; no idea why I thought it was a good idea to give them my credit card for “emergencies”…hmm, I wonder how many ‘emergency’ poodles I’ll end up with this time.

We had a fun filled day planned whilst Jo and Gray have a day in what I can only assume will be completely shit in comparison. We are utilising the last few days of our Merlin Pass today (well, I have renewed, but it’s the principle). We’re heading to Sealife in Birmingham, followed by Cadbury World. Then, time dependant, we plan to grab some food and maybe go to cinema or something as we wait for the droves of Walking Dead extras to exit the NEC after a hellish day of watching dogs being molestered for rosettes.

Out the door traditionally late…only an hour delay this time (to be fair, part of that was the return home for Jordan’s phone; shes glued to it most days, but when you need to rush to make a timed entry to Sea-life, then it’s nowhere to be found…ahh yes, on the toilet, where else would it be?).

Pretty swift travel down, of course the car park is rammed with a mile long queue to get in…bloody Crufts. Who knew so many people liked dogs?. Pretty busy to say the least, and full of dickhead drivers today. Only got into two fights today…Alaska sorted them out don’t worry; nice one Alaska…but maybe don’t bite them next time. Jo and Gray dropped off…have a great day, don’t buy any dogs please…(a plea most likely made in vain).

Hammer it down to the nearest car park to The Birmingham Sea Life Centre for the first stop on Dean and Alaska’s ‘Daddy And Daughter: Super Hilariously Incredibly Tremendous’ day of fun; or ‘DAD SHIT’ Day for short…wait…BUGGER!!! I’ll have to rethink that.

Hmm…How about Dean and Alaskas ‘Proper Overly Outstanding’ Day?…There; can’t see anything wrong with that. I know; that was terrible, but it’s all I got.

Haven’t been to a proper Sea Life Centre since our family holidays in Weymouth when I was the kids age. Ahhh, back to a time where Health and Safety was laughed at and thought of as a cowards game. Back when a one armed man would lead you over the shark tank on a narrow scaffold board, and you could freely handle Sting Rays (thanks for the heads up Steve Irwin), and hunt for Crabs in the rock pools…ahhh; the good old days. These are not my usual elaborations of the truth just FYI…

Today Health and Safety has gone nuts…wouldn’t even let Alaska use a Starfish as a Ninja Death Star…blood pathetic 🙄. Put the fish down Alaska…poor thing has a loving family.

This place is bloody huge…it’s 5 flights of stairs high and every bit of space is utilised…madness. First impressions are great…place looks incredibly well designed and has really cool scenery. Second impressions though…the poor Penguin area  looks like an Antarctic storm had ravaged it, and left a few LED’s to maintain daylight. Ok…it’s a little run down, but it’s character building for the Penguins; can’t have them feeling too privileged with routine feeds and a safe place to live…yeah, make it a bit shitty so they don’t think they are better than regular old birds. Word is that every few months they have a Penguin ‘Hunger Games’, and let a Leopard Seal loose in the enclosure for an hour…

Has Alaska ever seen a penguin before? Well, by the way she was acting you’d think it was like the discovery of a new species. “Holy shit have you seen these things Dad?? They fly through water, poo rainbows and have a tiny unicorn horn”…that’s a beak Alaska.  Ok, back to my usual elaborate booms I guess, in reality it was more “aww Penguins, I love Penguins”, Bloody love a Penguin though, like a formally dressed Duck..

Onwards past the more depressing version of the Antarctic, and into warmer climates to see some fishies. Get stuck in the Fish tunnel…apparently it’s made for kids; meant to give them a fun view of the fish from the backside of water (10 points for the reference)…not oversized men who refuse to remove their backpack. Silly Dean. I WANT TO SEE THE FISHIES TOO!!!

After being prised out of the kids fish tunnel, I make my apologies for traumatising the fish and move on in quiet embarrassment. We make our way to the ‘No Touchey’ pools…STOP TOUCHING THE MOLLUSCS ALASKA!!. Ooo, Alaska, want to touch the Starfish? “Ewwww, no”. Definitely my child, I wouldn’t either. She had her sleeve rolled up and everything, but then was told to wash her hands and got offended. Bloody staff trying to look after their animals…ruining all the fun.

Swimming further into the depths, we found Nemo (Finding Nemo?; completed it mate…actually, saw roughly 1000 Nemos, this movie would have been shit) before making our way to the “Sting-a-rings”. The what Alaska? I do love Stingrays…deadly little alien fish. Back in my day…we were allowed to stroke these friendly little weirdos, but ever since their callous murder of Australias National Treasure…well, they kinda have a bad rep. Bloody gangster fish, swimming around like they own the place.

Next stop…Amazon. No, not the online store that, the real life fake Amazon. We meet some Pihranna and some more random fish. I’m sure they are awesome in their own special way…I just didn’t stop to find out; there are Sea Otters up next; they are much cooler than random fish…I can see random fish in Pets at Home.

Sea Otters…ahhh I was super excited to see these. Apparently though they hadn’t got the memo. Little bastards were in their VIP area just swimming back and fore in an effort to wind me up. Yep; I’m sure they were doing it just to spite me. They know what the crowd want, but like any snobby famous person, they leave you waiting. By midday a crowd had gathered, chants of “WE WANT OTTERS!!” erupts as the local Midland folk long for a glimpse of the rarely seen species. Bloody hell it’s getting a bit rowdy here, Alaska we better leave before it all kicks off…Alaska?? Stop scaling the bloody tank; let’s go!!

Got a glimpse of the top of their heads as they spite swam in the adjoining tank, and had a great view in the affiliated camera viewing screen. Cool…could have stayed at home to view that, glad I made my way to the riot zone.

Screw you Otters, ain’t got time for this. Managed to avoid paying an overinflated rate for a go on the VR experience that Alaska would have definitely ruined and head to Jellyfish Avenue. Jelly everywhere, it was like being in the middle of a primary school food fight.

Down to the basement to channel my inner Ariel and venture 🎶Under the Sea🎶. Tail fin?  Check, Shell Bra? Check, Fork Brush?…ITS A DINGLEHOPPER YOU UNEDUCATED FOOL!!!.

Holy shit, they have a Sea Turtle here too!!! Incredible…I absolutely love Sea Turtles and have only previously seen the war torn tragedy Turtles in Sea World. Great to see a fully limbed, non battle hardened Turtle up close. So damn cool.

Tour soon over, and the inevitable exit through the gift shop…brace yourself Dean. Phew, escaped with just a magnet…even Alaska knew the shop was shit. Nice little hour, loads of cool sea animals packed in to a very unassuming space.

Wander around the area where Alaska manages to avoid falling in the decorative fountains, but not the decorative spit rocks of the pubs rockery, adorned with last nights cigarette butts and chewing gum; hmmm, best wash your hands I think babes.

“Coffee cake” time for our usual lunch date. Nero and the best Cinnamon Buns I have tasted…I had to call Paige, but now I’m feeling the pressure in my assertion. Alaska wastes her Chouxnut…oh no, guess I’ll just have to eat it then…fuming 🙄

Begrudgingly pay my £9 for the privilege of parking for less than 3 hours. Bloody hell, didn’t realised I’d taken a left and ended up in Disney World. Fucking shocking pricing. Thank god I don’t stay longer…4 hours costs you a black market Kidney.

Crikey…feeling faint from the shock; time to boost my sugar levels…next stop; Cadbury World!!

Yep, part 2 of our Super Awesome Non Shitty Crufts Day, we were giving our Merlin pass a last minute battering and heading to lick Snozzberries off walls and prepare to have orange faced ‘Doom-pa Loompas’ sing of some poor souls demise. ALASKA, GET THAT ORANGE FACEPAINT OFF!!, it’s not an excuse to take the piss while you torture someone. Wonka should be in prison, not a world renowned chocolatier.

JUSTICE FOR THE WONKA 5!!!

We start the day with a fight to see the seductive Bunny. Manage a quick snap and a hug before the a mass brawl ensued; incited by Freddo, keen to reduce the crowd levels ready to abuse him for being a substandard Kermit. Seriously though, the character handler may be jolly, but is a fucking useless bodyguard.

We have the tour of Wonka labyrinth booked for an hour or so, so on to the The 4D Chocolate Adventure to kill some time… or not. Bloody hell, this place has changed again!!! Clearly Merlin realised that their precious tour was absolute bum chocolate, and clasped at anything to enhance its shelf life. Ok so background…last trip, the 4D cinema was available to ride before the tour…so was the chocolate doodle. This time…not so much. OK, guess I’m waiting and doing bugger all for an hour then.

Did manage half hour or so in the Play Area mind. Absolute carnage, filled with over hyped sugar fiends intent on injuring themselves in a chocolate filled frenzy. Alaska was no different mind; she’s a nutter without the sugar high…god help us when the tour begins. All fun and games until a group of kids cause a slide blockage. Rumor is they are still there, destined to live out their days in the Cadbury World tube slide. Last I heard, Willy Wonka was pouring litres of Cocoa Butter down the slide to lubricate the missing children whilst a group of Oompa Loompa’s sing of their imminent deaths.

Fuck this…Alaska lets go; I’m not being part of The Great Cadbury World Massacre 2025.

Back to reality we head to the shop, buy a load of chocolate and then catch up with Freddo and The Mini Egg Parrot fresh from their battle with the Bunny. Battle Armour Freddo is a rare photo op.

Finally it’s tour time; time to make our way through history and how the Aztec people suffered massacre and famine at the hands of the Spaniards. Well I think that’s what that was about…maybe I should have paid more attention. For the Greater Good…imagine a world without chocolate? We thank you for your sacrifice.

Next stop on the tour, the story of Mr Cadbury and his brother…Mr Cadbury, and how they managed to avoid adding brick dust to their chocolate. They don’t name and shame (apparently snitches get stitches), but they do randomly keep shouting the words ‘Mars’ and ‘Galaxy’; wonder if it means something? Brick dust chocolate? Still better than American chocolate.

Change to the tour, some chocolate making demos; Alaska don’t eat the chocolate!! Then head to the tasting area; Alaska, don’t eat the chocolate…give it to me instead, I’ll get rid of it for you 🙄 I think she’s on to me.

Full of brick dust chocolate…wait, no sorry; they were keen to dispel this vicious rumour. If it’s so safe then why are the Loompas following me around and warming up their best death chants?

Moving through the one way tour, we travel to the ‘Have a go zone’ where we get to reenact every kids dream…to make a complete bloody chocolatey mess and play with the chocolate. Alaska…DONT EAT THE CHOCOLATE!! “OK I WONT!!!”. Forgive me Little Loo…you don’t half throw off some solid Gloop vibes; you can see where I’d be cautious.

Artwork done, framed and heading to a random millionaires home. My random chocolate heart looked great, but not as great as Alaska’s abstract pile of chocolate poop. Despite the lack of any time to actually play with few chocolate; DONT EAT IT ALASKA!!…we still managed a masterpiece, but neglected to read the fine print. We get none of the sale money, Cadbury World were keen to collect the Intellectual Property rights.

Raging at my lack of additional funds to live at Disney World, we finally make it on to the 4D Adventure to once again watch the Mini Egg parrot play absolute fuck whilst the Bunny and low budget Kermit showcase their incompetence at blimp flight. Damn fun ride mind. “Brace yourself” (more house points if you got the reference; come on Hufflepuff massive!!).

Tour almost complete; time to climb aboard ‘Cadbury Worlds Slave Labour ride’...wait that’s not the name?  Oh yeah…on to ‘Chocolate Quest’. This ride is pretty cool to be fair a lot better than the previous ‘It’s a Small World: Bean Edition”. A shoot em up ride with a delicious twist. Collect the ingredient, make the chocolate. Great effort team…400 bars made; looking forward to collecting my loot. Wait? Only 2 bars? Not a bad return for Cadbury mind, free labour all in the name of fun.

Few bars of chocolate, few bags for the road and time to leave…if the Loompas will allow me…STOP YOUR DAMN SINGING!!

For the evening meal we headed to the NEC to piss around on the escalators for half hour or so…nice one Alaska; we had time to kill, but I’d rather we didn’t risk injury just to pass the time.

Food at Five Guys for some delicious Burgers and Fries…oh and Hotdog…Alaska loves Hotdogs. “Everyone loves Hotdogs”…damn right they do, but give me a Bacon Cheeseburger ‘All the Way’ please. Delicious!!!, and even better witnessing Alaska sell her Crayon on Canvas abstract to the highest bidder. Thank god, maybe it’ll cover the extortionate bill for burger and fries; Nice one Alaska…bowling is on you then.

We played a few rounds of bowling, which in honestly I wish I hadn’t. Who doesn’t enjoy being severely humiliated by a 4 year old? Me that’s who…she was ruining me, and making sure I knew about it. By the 3rd set of pins we already had a crowd gathering and jeering me…”Dean is Shit…Alaska is the a Tits!!”. Woah, calm down mun, you know she’s cheating right? What sort of self respecting 4 year old needs the side rails?!!

“Why don’t you use this then??”…don’t take the piss Alaska, no one likes a sore winner!!

She inches towards my demise as the Oompa Loompas show up out of nowhere to ensure I’m suitably humiliated. By half time she was hammering me, whilst subtly sabotaging me by stepping in the fault line and sending the machine into technical difficulties in order to distract my flow.  Oh no, the lane is broken…Alaska…what have you done??!!

Alaska lets out a war cry as she finishes the job and completes a Mortal Kombat style bowling humiliation upon me…FATALITY!! Yep, she battered me and even got a strike or two…how will I move on from this? We have a 3 hour drive home!!!

Luckily I managed to narrowly claw a win back in the second round…thank god, I was pondering sticking my head in the ball return machine if I’d lost a second round. Thanks for the win little Loo…I needed that; I guess you did too mind…I’m her lift home.

And that was our super fun Daddy Daughter Day done…time to wait a bit for Crufts to finish and contemplate this evenings final thought. Why the hell are bowling alleys always like nightclubs? Worse than a lads holiday in Bulgaria mun.

Had a great day with Little Alaska…apparently Gray and Jo had a fantastic time too; no idea how though, all they did was look at dogs all day.