So here it is…The day Jordan has been dreaming of her whole life (apparently)…the day she entered Crufts. Well not her; Elsa, but Jordan was along for the ride. How exciting, I was feeling slightly nauseous this morning; not sure if it was excitement or a dodgy services Burger King (my body can’t take fatty foods anymore), but I could hardly sleep. No wait…I could hardly get out of bed, just 10 more minutes please, I’m bloody knackered and we’re only a 5 minute walk away from the arena and I need my beauty sleep (God knows that I need some rest this week).
Jordan on the other hand, well I didn’t think she knew the purpose of an alarm, but she proved me wrong. Shot out of bed faster than she did that time the hurricane alarm went off in Florida a few years back. Apparently, she prioritises sleep over personal safety, but Crufts trumps the lot. A bit mental to see Jordan and Elsa both sitting for an early morning pre game makeup sesh, but hey ho, its their special day.
Alright, alright I’m up mun, lets get cracking, nothing spells out a fun filled day more than a brisk walk through a freezing cold Birmingham. Bloody hell its cold here today, should have brought the Husky, she’d have felt more at home. Fortunately, only a quick walk to the arena though which worked out well and saved us fighting for a parking spot close to the arena. First (and last win of the day…Spoiler).
Anyways, into the NEC. Holy hell this place is massive. I didn’t know what to expect, but this was a bit mental!! I imagine it would be heaven to anyone that liked dogs and didn’t like money because even I was looking for something to piss away money on. I later found something BTW, well not so much me…a tale for a little later. Not as mental as the food and drink prices mind, but still…First task of the day weave through the maze that was the exhibition hall and find our spot, which to be fair we were able to did pretty swiftly. Bottom corner out of the way; best places for poodles I guess, save the more central areas for some decent looking dogs…well played Crufts. Though the poodle crew did quickly amass like some sort of strange cult that worshipped hair spray and half naked dogs, commandeering a vacant (well I assume it was, but they may have very well have just won a turf war for it) ring to set up camp like some sort of post-apocalyptic marauders. I feared for my life, so to blend in, Jordan had set me up with a nice-looking poodle jumper that I wore with pride…umm yeah of course I did.
Fresh from making camp and just as the minions were rolling in the barrels to light some fires and start to construct some mad max style road warrior armour, I’d decided to hunt down some over priced coffee. Now I am used to overpriced coffee, I regularly frequent Starbucks and end up paying over the odds for a Caramel Macchiato, but I like it. However…When I pay Starbucks prices to a coffee van just to hear “Ah the coffee machine isn’t working, why isn’t it working??!!”, immediately followed by a cobbled together caramel latte, I did question what was going on. I even fancied an overpriced muffin (4 bloody quid) until I watched them wheel in trays of Costco muffins and pastries…yeah bugger this, its about £4 for a full tray, I was expecting an artisanal masterpiece for that price…ah I’m making myself sick with my bloody snobbery, in reality I’m just too tight to fork out a few quid for something.
Come on Dean, its only 7am, cheer the hell up!! And that I did, dancing my way back to the poodle wasteland through puddles of dog piss; I felt like the Gene Kelly of Crufts…’Singing in the U-Rain’…no? I’ll see myself out…
It was early, but already Crufts was in full swing and as I returned from my tour of the food booths (damn my HHN mindset), Jordan and Elsa were starting to prepare for a swift jaunt around the ring…In 4 hours time. Damn. Best get comfy Dean, its gonna be a day.
“STOP LICKING YOURSELF!!”…Bloody hell mun Jo, I’m bored, I gotta kill time somewhere…oh, not me? The poodle?...Yeah Elsa, give it a rest mun, stop ruining your coat, its all you got going for you, well that an your winning personality…I guess. By the way Elsa, that reverse Mullet Jordan is spraying into you looks cracking…Party in the front, business in the back.
Countdown is getting nearer, the stress and nerves were palpable, and that was just from Elsa, Jordan had gone off to change into her ring attire and left Elsa with me…the guy who vehemently denies any adoration for the fluffy haired dumbass (Elsa not Jordan mun)…I do like her really…ish, but Elsa wasn’t feeling it and was careful not to make eye contact the whole time in some form of despair that Jordan may never return. Quick as a flash Jo reappeared to Elsa's delight, and I could return to my customary browsing of social media and podcasts whilst I just sat, and sat, and sat, sat, sat, sat (been reading too much Seuss lately) in eager anticipation for Elsa to take the poodle champion of the day.
All the while, Elsa was acting like she’d already won, sitting on top her crate looking all regal and judging the peasants that dared to lay eyes upon her…snooty bitch. To be fair, she is treated better than me and come complete with a sign warning people to touch her hair on penalty of death…or a bite from Jordan. I don’t know, poodle people are odd.
Until today, I was unaware, as I assume most are, that Crufts doubles as a magic convention, or so I assumed with the amount of sparkly outfits that adorned the ring. Honestly, at one point I was expecting for someone to drag a giant top hat into the ring, only for their poodle to appear and strut around the ring with elegance…before being cut in half. Mind you they still wouldn’t have won unless they were a male black poodle…I’m not calling the judge biased, but Elsa is a White Bitch and was nowhere near a winner…not that I’m bitter or anything.
My god, this judging took forever, we’d assumed that our class would have been over by lunchtime so we could at least have a browse around, but 2 PM and we were just about entering the first class of the day. I assume it was due to the judge imploding at the mass of Black Poodles on display…again, not bitter…
Anyways, finally time for Elsa and Jo to hammer the ring and show Crufts what they were made of…mind you, we quickly lost hope when the judge only quickly glanced at Elsa before rubbing her up and down (Elsa is still traumatised) and sending Jordan off for a few laps for daring to bring Elsa to the competition. Elsa ended up not placing, I literally have no idea what they judge in Crufts, but I was raging…I thought they had done a great job, and I presume that if they were judging the best reverse mullet, then she’d have come first…or at least a strong second, behind the black poodle of course.
Round 2 didn’t go much better, but at least Jordan didn’t have to waste her energy on a lap of the ring…no, the judge had already had enough of that, but still opted for a cheeky grope of Elsa’s legs…better luck next time guys.
Right en, finally time for some food, its only 3.30…ah bugger it, time for a hanger induced tantrum from yours truly…I’ll just bloody have something later…fuming. Didn’t really help when Jordan rubbed it in my face by signing Elsa up to a monthly food box…I’d honestly have taken some of that, I was so hungry.
Nevermind, lets take my mind off it and spend an unnecessary amount of money on scissors…nah I think I’m good…is what I should have said, but I cave so easily and ended up guilt purchasing a pair of scissors that I will never see…yes they looked decent, but we have some pretty badass crinkle cut scissors in the house that the kids use for crafts, and they were a fraction of the price…
Had a titfull now, tired cold and hangry we leave Crufts after a pretty good day where Jordan lived out her dreams – I do wish the dream she lived out was becoming a millionaire mind, but beggars can’t be choosers, I guess.
Well done Jo and Elsa, I thought you guys did great and deserved the win, but what do I know…bloody Poodles.
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