So I won’t bore you with the usual morning palaver, we’re up, we’re on our way, and looking forward to a few days away at LEGOLAND!!! Yeah it’s Grayson’s 6th birthday weekend (his birthday is tomorrow) so we are treating him to a night in the Legoland Hotel and a few days in the park. Grayson has been banging on about coming here and staying in the hotel for ages, and since last time we were here we opted not to remortgage the house to pay for a night away in Windsor and stayed in a cheaper hotel, we had promised to return in style today. Yes we caved, skimped and saved and were able to afford a premium room…thank god for the annual pass discount we have.
I do think Grayson may have been confused as to where Legoland was situated mind as he began the morning with “How long until we get to the plane”…umm, about 5 months buddy, but we’re driving today. Nowhere exotic, just 180 odd miles across the M4. He was proper excited though, he kept humming and singing…”is it my birthday yet?”. Carry on with this humming and it may never be again buddy. Forgot my sat nav, thank fuck we have Grayson…he could smell the Lego already and guided us there with an extreme ‘hot and cold’ game like a Lego hunting truffle pig.
What do you know, we’re here, only 3 hours or so, a lot quicker than the last few trips. Time to arrive in style and park up in Legoland hotel. I cursed this place last June and said how shit it looked, but I think that was a spot of jealousy…this place is awesome, greeted by a bloody fire breathing dragon…A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON!!! We literally called bullshit on Grayson for telling us this, but lo and behold, this Dragon that adorned the hotel entrance had more smoke pouring out of nostrils than a chain smoker visiting Halloween Horror Nights. Good start, I’m sold already.
We get in the reception, and this place is cool as tits from the off…pits of Lego, minifigures all over the wall, Lego everywhere (who’d have thought ey?)…all Gray wanted to do was explore, but we couldn’t get our room key until 4pm for some reason, so we’d have to wait with baited breathe to take much more of it in. Though we did get to explore the toilets, and even they were bloody cool…if you like Lego, then the toilets will excite you. Oh yeah, and the staff in the hotel were great from the start with an impromptu quiz from the toilet attendant…yes it’s as strange as it sounds, yes it was uncomfortable having a female toilet attendant stare at me whilst I had a wee and chat to the kids about their favourite Lego, but damn they were great with the kids.
Psyched up from the minor invasion of privacy, we headed to the special person entrance to Legoland at the back of the hotel…all whilst the kids took every opportunity to explore anything new, legging it around the treehouse/castle play area. All we’d done was walk from the car park to the hotel, to the toilets and to the park entrance and we were already half hour in. Plenty of time for that mun!!
Finally manage to tear the kids away from the hotel and straight in to Lego Mythica, a cool land based around mythology. Last time we were here, it was busy as hell here, but it’s early, off peak, and it’s the back of the park so the crowds hadn’t caught up yet. Bewsh!! Hydra challenge!! Basically a vicious carousel above a pool of water…with cannons!!! “Mammy you’re shitting yourself”, easy little Loo, I doubt that this has struck fear into the heart of your mother…I was wrong, Jordan was a shivering mess and even professed that Alaska was just too short and ensured that the bloody ride attendant kicked them both off…raging, that’s the cowards way out Jo!!! Seriously though, I appreciate health and safety an all that, but damn these guys took their job seriously….ain’t no one getting on that ride who are a few millimetres short!! As paranoid as I am, I do appreciate it…Alaska not so much!!
Great, got absolutely soaked on Hydra, a rookie move so early in the day. At least the sun had shown up today though, take the win. Following our literal spin through watery carnage (I may be over exaggerating a little), Grayson took us on a walking tour of all the Lego Mythica beasts on display, and insisted on having a photo with each and every one…honestly it was like a shit safari. Lego in its natural habitat…ahh I can see the David Attenborough documentary now…coming soon.
Bloody starving so time to evoke our new tradition of a few hotdogs and a new freestyle cup for lunch…bloody Legoland being sneaky buggers though, keeping the cups in vending machines in an effort to stop passholders gaining discount…fuck that I’ll find one elsewhere and save a few quid. The winner that I am swiftly located a discounted cup (after asking where to find them) and the quad of Fletchers head to the Monster Party ride. If we cast our minds back to last year, Grayson was bricking it (ha) at the thought of this ride, but now Billy Big Balls, almost a year older and not any wiser, he gives Alaska the low down and tries to allay her fears. Christ Loo, last week you braved a haunted house that caused me and Gray PTSD, I think you’ll cope with a Lego monster magic house…maybe that’s the issue, it wasn’t scary enough for her…mmmm. Suffice to say, she loved it, and I have video evidence; which I got a slap on the wrist for taking…oooops. At least I didn't launch a half eaten hotdog across the room mid spin mind. Naughty Jordan.
It’s actually really good to see that Gray can go on a lot more than last year, and Alaska is now at the height Gray was last time we came so they can both explore new rides.
Grays next stop was Driving school and Alaska and Jordan hit up the younger kids version. Gray was really looking forward to learning about the rules of the road and stopping at red lights in a fake Legoland street…not!!! He had one thing on his mind, destruction!!! He would strike fear into the hearts of the other children on this circuit, may god help them!! “there’s no winners or losers, you just do your own thing”…that’s loser talk love!! Reassure your kid all you want, Grayson has a bloodlust. Though clearly not as thirsty as they kid dressed a ninja smashing into everyone. Safety briefing (yawn), and Gray is straight in there to the first car he could find. He had a lot to prove following the trash talk in the queue where I had to hold him back from kicking some kids ass…keep it on the track boys! Aaaaaaaannnnd they’re off!! Well, not quite, Grayson’s legs apparently forgot how to work and he spent the best part of a minute working out that if he pressed the pedal, the car would move…of the shame. Though after a slow start he got to work and quickly started to pile the bodies high…the annual Legoland sacrifice had began.
Fear has a funny way of doing things to you, apparently Grays antics had kicked up a fuss and he was now treated with the respect of a mafia crime boss and granted a licence following his stint in driving school. Time for some pictures then…say chhhheeeeese! No Alaska we aren’t calling you (she insists on being called cheese), just smile. Beautiful pictures, Alaska looking evil like the spawn of Bundy, and Grayson throwing model poses. I heard there was a scout around for Ralph Lauren, so it all made sense.
Following Grays newly acquired licence we headed to the minifigure speedway, the new dual racing coaster for this year. It wasn’t quite Duelling Dragons, or anything beyond a thrill factor of 0.2 on the Richter scale, but Gray was so excited that he ran all the way through the ride and pissed the attendant off just a smidge, but we managed to get front row seats on Team Legends. Very apt considering both Gray and myself are actual legends! Damn it!!! All Stars won. Raging mun!!! Great coaster mind...next time...
Heads held in shame, we head back to Mammy and Loo to catch up, chill at the Duplo Valley theatre and watch a show…all the while I traversed Everest!! Well, not quite, apparently Everest is less work to climb than the hill to the top of Legoland…damn, there are negatives to staying at the back of the park. All to get our passports stamped and parent swap, the latter of which apparently does not exist in Legoland (bullshit). I did get Grayson’s name added to the birthday notice boards mind, and the fact that they added an extra year to his life...well we won’t talk about that too much.
I finally meet up with the family following my sherpa assisted descent down the hill and it’s time to regain some pride from last time we were here…it was time to win Grayson a prize on the midway games…it was tense, Grayson promised he could win the game, Grayson broke that promised pretty swiftly, but not me, I beat the fixed games and won a huge Koala bear for him…not a real one :(. Little assist from the game operator may have helped a little. It may not be Dinkey Kong, but it’s something. Good ole Nigel.
Enough frivolities, it’s time to spend some hard earned birthday money on ninja shit!! Enter Ninjago!! This place is cool mind, even with the ride closed most of the day. Pair of Katana swords and a plush later and he’s well on his way to recognising that in Legoland, money disappears faster than a birthday cake at a kids party. Alaska, not to be left out helped herself to some candy floss and kicked off when she was caught out. “I want my candy back!!!”…well it’s not quite yours just because you steal it Alaska.
Damn this may have not been an advisable idea…who in their right mind would give their kids weaponry…most of the idiot parents here that’s who!! Foolish, Grayson was now acting like king shit…walking around flailing his katana blades and bad mouthing pirates…they do have guns mind Gray, it’s probably best to keep it on the down low or else you’ll end up walking the plank!
Ooo a pirate ship, come on the Grayson, it’s on to the Jolly Rocker for more Willy tingling fun (again, that reoccurring weird inside joke). Gray loves it though, and it’s great to see him having a blast today. Across the road Alaska the daredevil is putting Jordan into a stress induced infarction, walking across narrow beams and across the 3 story play areas. She can do all this, but struggled to navigate stairs and repeated the play area cycle on loop until we reached her. It was manic here mind and Gray had by now befriended a fellow ninja following a tough application process. The first task was to keep away from me as much as possible, a feat that caused Jordan to endure a Hulk styled rage when we left her to take a running tour of the play area.
Calm down, we moved to Merlin’s challenge, where step one was to win Dean’s challenge, where the the kids fought over who rides with me…it’s nice to feel popular; I wonder how Jordan feels…hmmm. “IM THE BIRTHDAY BOY!!” I think everyone knows by now buddy, this ain’t Disney, you don’t get anything for being older, just increased admission costs!
Oh shit, wishing well, quick Jo let’s move on. Grayson was wanting to use said wishing well, but poor Jo was still suffering PTSD when he wished Mammy away a few years back. Ah shit, best console yourself in the ice cream shop. Who doesn’t love ice cream, with sweets?!! Hmm strange kids.
Anyways, Alaska decided she deserved a present at this point and a acquired a magic wand…great, nice to see her Abracadabra’in the shit out of Grayson…your ninja skills are no match I'm afraid buddy…ooo and the room is finally available, yay, let’s head back to the hotel to see what awaits.
Laser Raiders first though, because apparently we can’t resist a laser shooting game where we compete with each other and complain when I continually eclipse their score. Great little kid dumping ground they have here in their queue, leave the kids, go around the queue, pick them up if you want, leave them if you want, and crack on with the rides. Personally, I enjoy having the kids with us, mainly as a self esteem booster when my final score is over 5 times more than Grays. Don’t even asks about Alaska, she spend most of the time shooting Jordan... she now has a traumatic brain injury from being repeatedly shot in the back of the head.
Slowly ambling back to the hotel we notice that Grayson is back on the birthday board…the correct age this time…thank goodness I smuggled that time turner into the park…Gray is 6 again!! Just as we thought we were safe from crazy people (present company excluded) we have a crazy meet up with the pair of knights outside the hotel. It was a strange encounter, but the pair were amazing with the kids, funny, eccentric and escorted us to the hotel with Grayson leading a chant of “DUCK DUCK DUCK DUCK’. Now writing and indeed reading this, it will make no sense, but it’s all relevant and at the time kind of made sense. Despite the funny looks and clear jealousy at our escort, we had a great laugh, and even caught up with the duo, akin to the prowess of Batman and Robin later in the evening. Cheers guys, Grayson had changed his favourite word from ham to duck…thanks!
Finally we are here…key collection, it’s time to see the room. I think I was more excited than Gray, especially since we had ordered the VIP birthday package to accompany it. Like a pirate version of cribs (now there’s a blast from the past), we entered the most incredible hotel room we had stayed in. Amazingly themed, massive room with ace pirate decor and a built in treasure map to find some loot. Something for a little later. The room was also given the VIP treatment and was splayed with loads of gifts and a random cake for the birthday boy. “I want to see my fairy room!”…ah shit, Alaska, firstly they don’t exists, and second, when did you start shitting money? How the hell could I afford two rooms? Nutter…only a brief tantrum ensued mind, so not too bad.
Come on, loads to do before the world shuts down at 9pm, or so you would think…Legoland appears to just stop at 9pm and send everyone to their room like naughty kids. Nothing to see here, everyone retreat to the treasure hunt in your rooms! We had food at skyline bar where we were treated to a brief tantrum from Alaska before Ollie the Dragon appeared to calm her down and grab a selfie with the birthday boy and his sister. Speaking of which, the staff at the bar caught wind it was Grays birthday (mainly due to him screaming it at them) and very kindly organised a birthday brownie for desert and a little sing song…only the one tune in their repertoire mind, they ain’t no accapella group, lower your expectations. They were again amazing, and really made the day special. What’s the Legoland equivalent of Pixie Dust? Bricksie Dust?….yeah let’s go with that
Bloody hell our evening is frittering away..let’s get to the Lego playroom, we got the tickets after all. Surprise surprise, Lego everywhere, kind of like a massive room filled with pits of Lego and Duplo…with a bar. Yep, we may need a drink after today. It’s been fun, but it’s been very busy!
Part of this wonderous Lego graveyard, beholds the Lego creative workshop, kind of an interactive brainstorming session that helped spitball ideas for Legolands new Flat Ride. We were led into this room to work as Legoland imagineers for a grand total of bugger all…all for what? The fun of creating a masterpiece. It kind of reminded me of when the Simpsons when the Schools kids were duped into creating Funzo. I have a copyright pending Legoland, just be aware!!!
This was pretty damn cool mind, me and Gray built a Lego ‘coaster’ that interacted with an iPad to help move, add music and lights etc and was great fun to build alongside Gray. Though, our construction was fallible and would result in many, many casualties. Take 2 was a lot better though.
On return from our team meeting and successful foray in the construction industry, we find Jordan hard at work and playing with Duplo whilst Alaska heads to the bar…presumably to get over the shame of watching her Mam happily build away. The shame. It’s ok Loo, Daddy’s back now.
Getting tired now, but there is a Kids disco to attend and a car that needs emptying. Right kids (and Jo), go hammer the Timewarp and the Fast Food Rockers classic, I’ll get our shit out of the car. Apparently it’s the witching hour for dads to empty the car as we as a multiplies of us descended simultaneously on the hotel, arms full of bags, too weak or ashamed to make multiple trips. We always win in the end…
A quick look around the boardwalk at the majesty of the park at night, and it’s back to the room, absolutely shattered. We progress through the in room treasure hunt to finish the evening. This is such a cool feature of the Legoland staycation…each room has a treasure hunt to a prize, which makes the whole experience better than anything we have previously done. Obviously crack the code in record time (next stop an escape room), and claim our prize. I know everything here is expensive, but this was such a cool idea, and one the kids have absolutely loved doing. Every detail for the kids enjoyment has been spot on.
Absolutely shattered, but what a great day…the kids behaved, the staff had a been incredible and we can’t wait for day two tomorrow!!!
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