Bloody knackered mun…just rolling in at 11pm after a 5am start to the day…glorious sunshine, low wait times and some great coasters…yep today’s trip was back to Alton Towers!!! Kid free!!
Honestly, I love my children more than anything in this world…but damn do they hinder your ability to ride coasters together; short assed little nuggets! So yep, off to Grandma and Grandpa to play havoc and ride Donkeys on the beaches of Porthcawl whilst me and Jo headed to enjoy Merlin’s finest establishment.
This morning started with a fashion show where I threw in some of my best magnum and blue steel poses, only to be heavily critiqued for my choice of pink on pink complete with Optimus Prime hat. I opted for a more grown up Donkey Kong cap instead as a result...are you happy now Jo?!! Content with my outfit choice, Jordan allowed us to head on our way to Alton. The sun was shining, and the air was filled with inspiration for the day ahead. Jordan feeling a little over inspired took the opportunity to finger paint her car with her Mocha and a touch of blusher and mascara thrown in for a rather abstract concept of in car decoration…the mini did need jazzing up a bit, the cream interior was getting a bit boring.
The fun of the journey didn’t stop there though…in a strange attempt at in car entertainment, Jordan had somehow broken her phone way beyond any form of repair and spend the latter 2 hours of the journey locked in a battle of wills with EE to procure a replacement and cease her current contract. I’d stick to ‘I Spy’ personally…Jordan’s new game was a little bit shit, and very expensive…more on this later, but let’s hope the in ride queue entertainment would be better.
We finally had our Physical copies of our Gold Annual Passes arrive last week…yay!! We couldn’t wait to walk around the park like some uppity aristocratic Merlin royalty, nodding to all the fellow pass holders in a similar manner that Welsh bus drivers do when they pass each other in the wild. However, Alton were offering Nemesis Reborn reprints for the unreasonable sum of £15, and so despite my protestations and arguments with Merlin to get my OG passes out to me, I was now swiftly exchanging mine for a slightly snazzier version. Money well spent…well not really, but call anything ‘limited’ and I’ll spend money on it…
First stop was CBeebies Land…time to see what Postman Pat was up to and ride the Octonauts coaster to gently ease us in to the day, with an ever hopeful Go Jetters Unicorn reunion...minus the kids. On second thoughts, probably best not to hang around here without kids for fear of looking like a rather unsavoury gentlemen…the moustache I was rocking didn’t help, and Jordan’s constant jokes about stealing kids, the giant bet she was carrying, and the trail of sweets she was leaving behind helped even less…thank god we didn't have Mikey with us. Come on let’s move on Jo, don’t fancy the humiliation of Tinky Winky strong arming me out of here…
Spinball Whizzer had an unnecessarily long queue, so we gave this a swift miss and headed to a slightly more chaotic ride…THE SMILER!! Don't get me wrong, I like Spinball Whizzer, but 45 minutes for a low grade Crush's Coaster wasn't doing it for me.
Yep, being kid free had the perks of being able to freely enjoy the coasters, and so we took full advantage and headed straight to X Sector. We gave Oblivion a miss, mainly due to it being a bit shit, and decided the best was to start the day was to be hurled within an inch of our lives on the record breaking coaster…seriously, if I didn’t have a headache before, the combo of loud music and 14 loops would do it. Yep it was LOUD! Good start to the day mind, ride ops were quick and got through the large queue in about 30 mins…get in, steal your belongings and off you go…I never did get my wallet back…fuming. Bit better off than Jordan though, she was robbed of a tooth… she won’t wanna be smiling after that.
Next task of the day was to quickly organise and join in the Towers Fun Run back to the car…no wonder I don’t run for sport! Jordan had left something in the car and it was up to me to retrieve it…and that was anything but fun. I was fucking useless, after a 100m my ankle was fucked, my chest was fucked…and more importantly, my pride was fucked. Stick to speed walking Dean, you don’t feel like such a failure when you slow down…or almost collapse in a breathless heap in front of terrified onlookers readying their CPR skills.
Running like a bellend had ensured I was feeling a little parched, and what better way to quench my thirst?…a new freestyle cup…good value considering bottles of pop are £3.25…daylight robbery mun. Oktoberfest?…in May? Must have had an excess from last year…ahh since you insist, get me a beer then.
Right, enough pissing around Jo, Dark Forrest, and ‘Rita: Queen of Speed’…sounding more like a 90’s nightclub drug dealer than a ride, but who doesn’t love being launched across a track at 60mph in less than 3 seconds? Jordan as it turns out…if only you could see the ride photo, and her poor little face bracing herself for impact…I was more worried on The Smiler given its history personally.
Anyways, front row queue, only added an extra 20 mins to the wait time, and like Will from 'The Inbetweeners', my front row ride was almost foiled by a disabled person…Jordan! Her penchant for breaking her phone had landed her in an hour long battle of wills with EE and almost caused us to miss the ride…not this time Jo, the call handler cam accompany us on the ride if they wish!
“It’s going to rain…my Welsh senses are tingling”…hmm, your nipples don’t actually sense rain Jo, Mean Girls has lied to you! Clearly her apparent Welsh Spidey like senses had failed her though as it only got progressively warmer throughout the day. Best get that checked out Jo, your senses are fucking useless and you’ll never rival Derek for the top weatherman spot.
Bit of grub; between my run and Jordan’s terror on Rita, we had worked up an appetite for £11 kebab wraps…£11 mind!!! It was huge and managed to comfortably feed us both…this did prove to be a poor move from us mind, as the requirement for sustenance meant that we had not missed the opportunity to ride Th13teen…
Th13teen was closed…fucking hell, I was looking forward to that one…I don’t think it’s worth the long walk back though, so once we’ve left the Dark Forrest, we won’t be returning today…see you next time.
Working off the wrap, and rejuvenated with energy, we took the path of most resistance across the vast grounds and headed to the Forbidden Valley…250 steps, like actually steep, shitty constructed steps…how would Jordan cope?! She can barely walk a obstacle free path without rolling her ankle…like an OAP Ninja Warrior.
Now, if you’ve never been to Alton Towers, you may not quite appreciate this, but this place is HUGE!! It is set in some amazing historic grounds, and in the sunshine this place looks incredible and has some fantastic areas of the grounds to go exploring, or in my case frolicking through the gardens in the sunshine…ahh the rich life. Though I wouldn’t want to be here when the sun goes down…I’d fucking shit myself…there are bound to be ghosts here!! Yep definitely...creepy caves, menacing statues, Jordan...terrifying. To summarise…sunshine: good, darkness: bad.
Step 250 finally arrived and we were in the Forbidden Valley, and gave Nemesis: Sub Terra a go. I had heard mixed reviews and that it kind of resembled the old alien ride in WDW…that I never went on due to my fear of most things. I really am terrified of a lot of things. I had tried the toned down Stitch version, and that almost induced an MI, so this would be fun. To be fair, it was an absolutely mental experience…a few unexpected elements and a savage towel whipping of my legs from the Nemesis creature…oh and more running, great! It could do with a few more elements to make the experience a little better, like an actual creature that would send feelings of impending doom to riders, but we did enjoy it.
Nemesis Reborn next then…obviously! Not much to say, it’s a bloody brilliant ride, but not violent enough for Jordan apparently. Don’t know about you Jordan, but I prefer to stay conscious at the conclusion of a roller coaster, so this suits me fine…did have a bit of a palaver mind with the Phalanx operative being a bit of a Phallus and not letting us in the front…little bit of penis humour for you there.
Oh great, more Phalanx wankers at the refill station…bothering me whilst I quietly try to refill the freestyle cup…I just wanna pick my drink without judgement mun…go release Nemesis or something…
Fake ‘Air’ next…now known a Galactica. Love these kinds of coaster, weightlessly being flung around the park whilst staring at the ground and wondering ‘ooo if this harness fails, I wonder if I’d survive the drop?’…it didn’t help me enjoy the ride. Jo riding shoeless was a spectacle mind, more for the people behind her that had to spend the 2 minutes or so staring at the soles of her feet and gnarly toe nails…sorry guys, she insisted…said it makes her feel more at one with nature, free as a bird or some hippy bullshit like that…strange woman.
Looking for another rush of fear, The Curse of Alton Manor was next of our hit list…no idea how I would cope without Alaska to protect me, but guess Jordan would have to do…umm, yep, so second time round doesn’t make it less terrifying…it’s such a good, well told Ghost Train style ride, that has some brilliant effects and sets, and honestly, I still can’t tell if there are live actors in there. Great to see Jordan insisting on sitting directly next to me to ‘protect me’ though, thanks babes…we won’t mention the ride photo where you’re looking more terrified than Grayson did last time round. Not that you could tell with his head buried in Jordan’s arms mind.
I survived!!! With a new lease of life and with the day being almost as hot as the surface of the sun, we chanced a water ride! The sun had kindly made a guest appearance for our visit, and promised to dry us off...cheers Mr Sun! Congo River Rapids, where the ride is presented by some bloke with an Aussie accent, despite being set in the Congo, and the only soaking you’ll get is from your own blood. For real like, this was an aggressive ride…we got battered worse than a chip shop cod fish…or sausage, whichever analogy suits your palate. Thank god for the sporadically placed child lifeguards ready to send forth the ‘man overboard’ signal and save you from drowning should the rapids violently toss you off…steady…
99% still whole…I almost lost my thumb , we celebrated with a last ride of the day on the Wicker Man…last time out we spent a collective time of over 2 hours in the queue, and so the 30 minute wait today actually made us appreciate the ride. Yep, this wooden coaster is actually pretty damned good; despite the threats of being sacrificed and burned alive…it still felt safer than Megafobia…they are only threats here, at Oakwood it’s a near certainty.
Peruse around the exit store, contemplation of buying random shit and pissing away more money…stay strong Dean…and we were done for the day. We had such a good day out. Weather was fantastic, not too crowded and we managed quite a few rides…time for the long journey home to pick up the kids and get to bed…absolutely ruined.
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