Started this morning by boarding the arc in which the animals have now been situated…or at least this would have helped. The weather has been bloody horrific lately, and I fear the end of man as the great flood rains down on us…finally the day of collecting pairs of animals has come to fruition. Welsh weather ey? Who needs a car when a boat will often suffice.
Anyways, fresh from my cameo on the Deadliest Catch, we got up and ready for the coin toss between Thorpe Park and Alton Towers…oh it’s nice to have choices (though we do end up to’ing and fro’ing between options like an indecisive pair of children). We’d originally planned a day at Thorpe Park for the Mardi Gras celebrations since we can’t get out to experience Universal’s version. Thorpe do try to do similar to the park across the pond, but end up being the ‘B Movie’ counterpart…but everyone loves a trier!! To be fair, they do a good job and I was well impressed by Fright Nights last year and am looking forward to a trip back this Halloween. However, feeling a little less selfish today, we decided to alter plans to Alton instead as there are more things to do for the kiddies and a few more child appropriate rides…if only Gray was slightly taller…he best grow by September!!
Off we go, only the small matter of inflating the tyres on a Mini, which in stereotypical fashion, Jordan made look almost impossible…leave it to the men…I’ll go find us one.
A slightly shorter journey than the 5 hour Chessington Trip culminated in an excited arrival at Alton and a brief car park quiz by an overly eager parking attendant, determined to catch out any rapscallions intent on cheating the parking system and avoiding the fight for the Alton Towers monorail. Yes, we have a Gold Pass…Merlin royalty, let us through peasant!
Finally, we are in!!! Haven’t been here in almost 13 years, and we were looking forward to a fun filled day, kicked off by the obligatory hell of securing a child swap pass to slightly reduce wait times for us…woo!!! Hell of a line for this mind, almost as bad as the Wicker man wait time (you’ll soon understand). Bugger that, Jo, you grab us a souvenir freestyle cup, I’ll handle this!!
Managed to find solace in the resort box office and pick up the newly set up Merlin Passholder Passports (because I need them for some reason), a guide map (for my collection), and as wonder would have it…a child swap card. Go Dean…fuck the system (and the long assed queue for the customer service desk)…SUCKERS!!!
Feeling like a boss with success coursing through my veins, and the arrogance of someone that had secured a 5% Dragons Den investment, we headed into the park and on toward Mutiny Bay to hit up Battle Galleons!!! Not before the kids spotted Alton Bear mind you and legged it to him/he (as he identifies) like hungry Lions chasing down a lone Gazelle…watch out Alton, these kids bite!! Ahh it was lovely to see him interact with the kids mind, massive cuddles and hugs, mainly for me, and some great pictures with happy smiling children…and mine were there too.
A little emasculated from cuddling a giant Teddy Bear, Grayson was quick to top up his masculinity with a quick chat to a bunch of Pirates who were quick to hide their treasure when they saw the likes of Gray and Alaska hurtling toward them. Good move guys, these guys have got a thirst for gold like a leprechaun hunting down a double rainbow.
After getting some tips and hints for pillaging and looting defenceless seaside villages, Grayson and Alaska were now well prepared to lower the main sail and set forth to bring me the horizon aboard the Black Pearl…it was time for Battle galleons!! This is a pretty cool concept for a ride, like an interactive boat ride with super soakers!!!Pile aboard a boat and fire water cannons at other ships and passers by in the queue…like a real pirate!! We had a laugh and even embraced the pirate lifestyle by drowning some kid in the queue that dared fight us!! Sorry kid, you should know what you signed up for. Jo and Alaska paid for it though and ended up suffering the repercussions from revenge fuelled parents wondering how their child had drowned on dry land…fucking land lubbers!!!
All that plundering had worked up our appetite, and following a denial of the Wicker man due to what I came to acknowledge as one of 2 routine delays within an hour timeframe, we headed for some overpriced hotdogs and nachos for lunch. “Everybody loves hotdogs!!”…too right little Loo, you little hotdog fiend. To be fair, overpriced for the real world, but barely scraping the profit margins for theme park food, and pretty tasty. We enjoyed and were filled up and ready to tackle what the rest of the day threw at us…and try not to throw up the hotdogs on the coasters. Challenge accepted!
Now, if your favourite thing to do at a theme park is the atmosphere of a ride queue, complete with continual stoppages and delays of the ride, then have I got a treat for you…The Wicker man!!! The UK’s answer to the capital punishment. It won’t kill you, just make you wish you were dead!! Ok, a little extreme, but we did manage a collective wait time of 2 hours for this ride between Myself, Jordan, a child swap and an eternity of delays. Amazing looking coaster, great theming and build up through the miles of queue line, and 2 indoor showrooms, but worth a 2 hour wait? I think not…spent most of the day in the bloody Wicker man queue, whilst Jordan and the kids had a great time exploring the Sea Life centre and winding up the Pagans circling the grounds of the Wicker man. Nice one Gray, you angered them!! No wonder there was such a long delay…oh and it pissed down for the duration of my wait in the outdoor portion of the ride.
Right, that’s my turn over…great ride mind, time to swap kids…child swap always sounds a little unsavoury to me, I don’t want to actually swap my children (well…), just exchange parents…Anyways, off you go Jo, enjoy the prison like wait of the Wicker man queue, see you in 25-30 years. Come on kids, let’s explore!!
Oooo, The Curse at Alton manor, a spooky assed ride that I harassed the kids to ride with me. Grayson, channelling my very own 6-year-old self (ahem, 26-year-old self), politely refused to ride something that even the façade brought fear to the heart of a 36 year old Dean. Politely? Nah he begged and kicked up a massive fuss for me not to drag him on, like he was about to be sacrificed or something…ok ok, I can’t be too mad at him, I was A LOT worse, A LOT older having ran out of Haunted Houses well into my 20’s, and would not have ridden at his age at all…Spoiler for later though, we did ride. Stay tuned…
Following the loss of man points for Grayson, and years of her life for Jordan (now well into the 2nd delay of her wait on the Wicker man), me and the kids chanced a walk through the Haunted Hollow to fuck around with some Gravestones…not real ones, we were allowed to mess with these without fear of ghostly repercussion, and even played music on them like some sort of Children of the Damned / Big crossover movie. Fresh from the desecration of graves, we then moved on to the Forbidden Valley to see Nemesis Reborn. This had been closed for well over a year for a much needed refresh and re-tracking, and I couldn’t wait to ride it…I remember it being a badass coaster, and with its fresh paint, theming and retracking, this whole area looked incredibly themed, and well worked into the park…phenomenal!
Few selfies in front of the whispering Eye/Mouth of the monster…Nemesis, not Jordan (she was still in the Wicker man queue), and it was about that time to piss away some hard earned money on merch. Ah I love it, make anything elaborately themed/limited edition and I’m right in there to waste my money. Despite trying my best to convince Grayson to buy a special edition T shirt, he opted for a pretty boss looking resin model of the beast…thank fuck for annual pass discount, To be fair, I did almost waste £150 on a pair of bolts from the old Nemesis track that Alton Towers had mounted to lure in foolish idiots like myself to purchase a piece of theme park history…I majorly regret not getting them though, and opted for a Sweater instead…Fuming!! The kids concluded our first tour of the Forbidden Valley with the obligatory fight over a freestyle cup, and my brief stint as a salesman for our red Fuxtec wagon (literally everyone was commenting on the genius of in park child transport); all while the wicker man tried its best to ruin our day with a collective wait of over two hours!!! I’m not bitter, but we wont be doing that again.
She’s free!!! Jordan completes her sentence and eventually rides the Wicker man and is quick to decry any enjoyment of it due to ‘being spoiled’ by Florida, a statement she later makes at the conclusion of her stint on Nemesis Reborn (bloody sacrilege). To be fair, I half agree, the coasters here in the UK are a little tamer than what we have become accustomed to, spending more time in Florida in recent years than in UK theme parks, and recently having ridden Velocicoaster several times. Alton is the closest thing in the UK mind with their theming and rides, and despite the Wicker man’s best attempts to ruin our day (still blaming Grayson for bad mouthing the Pagans), we were having a great time so far. Guess we better catch up with Mammy then isit guys? Just so happens Jordan decided to continue her trend of following stereotypes, and was unable to follow directions to our location and ended up at the complete opposite end of the park…we got our steps in today I’m telling you.
We eventually meet up at the dreaded Curse at Alton Manor…This is it, time to escape the curse. Assuring Gray that this would be a Haunted Mansion type fun dark ride with ghosts, we manage to convince him to join us (bribed with a pick ‘n’ mix). The poor bugger was bricking it, and I was feeling less confident the more we went through the queue…Creepy children hidden in the forest, and not just Alaska. I was beginning to disbelieve our own lie that had convinced Grayson. So here we are, wandering into darkness, unsure what our fate beheld, Grayson a quivering mess, me and Jordan feigning bravery, and Alaska?...well she was shaking with excitement…crazy kid. Now, let’s rewind a few years, before all the bravado of Halloween Horror Nights fandom, I have ran out of a fair few Rides and Houses in which ghosts play a key role…if I wasn’t trapped in a car with a lap bar, this may very well have been one of those to join the list. I should have stayed off with Gray…it was terrifying; mostly due to the insanely well done animatronics and props, and not knowing if any of them were real, and the anxiety that we would be chased (yep a small irrational fear of mine)…but, wow, what an amazingly done ride, much better than what used to be there. I spent the whole time swearing in fear all the way round, Grayson hid under his hood and maybe saw 1% of the ride, Jordan held it together, and Alaska sat there unflinching with a big smile on her face the whole time. Yep, I think we need to worry about her! She even insisted on buying one of the creepy dolls and cuddled it the rest of the day. Damn, shes a brave little demon.
Right, pull yourselves together Fletchers (well Dean and Gray), Nemesis awaits!!! Finally, straight on, theming in the land continued into the queue, and of course, more bloody rain to accompany…short wait time for such an iconic coaster, and the ride was amazing and as smooth as a Ken doll; though Jordan was not quite as impressed due to the aforementioned Florida spoils. Surely one of the coasters will impress the self-appointed quality control lead of UK roller coasters (as she insisted on being called all day)…well, just wait.
The blade, yay!! Gray can finally ride something; a Robot Wars-esque pirate ship that looked a little dilapidated either due to theming or just general lack of trying. Half decent though and got a willy tingling thumbs up from Gray (that’s a weird in joke that I realise may not translate well by the way)
Catching back up with Jo and Alaska, we learn of the octagon style fights in Costa due to poor service and even poorer made coffee (I’m a Starbucks fan), we hit up the Nemesis Merch store to once again deter the kids from grabbing any old shit they could get their hands on, and finally succumbing to the £10 pick ‘n’ mix…yep, we filled that bad boy to the brim!!
Bloody hell is that the time? We spend so much time on the Wicker man, our day is almost gone, and we’ve only seen half a park…and had promised the kids some enjoyment today besides a Ghost train (which we do acknowledge that Alaska did thoroughly enjoy). We legged it to ‘X Sector’ to ride The Smiler!! Getting yet more steps in, and working off our Hotdog and Nachos, we realised that this is a bloody huge park, definitely a 2 dayer. We are here for 1 day though, so no time for rest, we’ve had more than enough in the Wicker man Queue. Traversing the massive, picturesque grounds, I get subjected for a bad pun at a statue from Jordan and spot the guys from ‘Theme Park Worldwide’. Not to be ‘one of those people’ who acknowledge youtubers as celebrities, they didn't even bother to come say hi to us…how rude! Though we did catch up with some of Jo’s new mates that she had made from waiting an eternity in Wicker man queue…did I mention how long we waited here?
We did it, we finally found a coaster Jordan was happy with, of course it was the record breaking Octonauts coaster!!...umm, ok, it was of course The Smiler!!! Despite the incidents in its history, it was a brilliant ride that flipped you around more times than a stint in Dolphin Stadium at Seaworld. I had no idea where I was, but to be fair, I did smile…
CBeebies Land to conclude the day, and finally let the kids enjoy some rides. This was a cool little land that I wish we had spent more time in, mainly due to my love of Postman Pat and the Teletubbies, but also because Gray and Loo really enjoyed it here and we were running short on time. We did manage the Octonauts Coaster though; not quite The Smiler, but the kids had a great time, and Gray got to enjoy a ride where he was able to keep his eyes open and actually enjoy. Mammy then joins us after her stint in the Ministry of Joy and goes hunting through CBeebies land on her own, catching up with a Unicorn…a bloody Unicorn. Quick Loo, don’t let Mammy spoil all the fun! Ahh, the kids were beaming when they spotted this Unicorn, and Alaska could not stop hugging her (and smacking its bum which I thought was a little odd…). Now we have pestered the poor creature (no wonder they pretend to be extinct), we best ride her attraction. The Go Jetters ride, kind of like a flying carpet style ride where the kids determine how high we go…Gray would have flown us out of orbit if he had his way, but thankfully, there are restrictions. Smart move.
A quick last minute ride on the Postman tw*t ride, where the postal service funding eclipses all other services in whichever god forsaken land encompasses Pat’s daily postal route…no wonder the NHS and Police services are in such dire straits…a bloody postal helicopter isn’t going to help Mrs Jone’s Fractured Neck of Femur is it Pat? The kids hammering the horn all the way round only increased my hatred for Pat and his black and white cat!
And that was basically that, our day concluded with a quick look at the shop to purchase yet more merch because I had decided I hadn’t spent quite enough, this time a commemorative pin badge (how badass)…it was absolutely manic there, filled with people panic buying Rita duvet covers and The Smiler branded teddy bears…one for next trip I reckon, and the kids were running riot and intent on causing absolute havoc. Back to the car with you lot, had a really good day, spent way too much money, but made lots of memories…money well spent!
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