Oh the trauma!! I only wanted an early start for our weekend away at Alton Towers (we are doing an overnight stay at Splash Landings), but poor Jordan had woken up in pain so bad that you’d have mistaken her Spleen for a timebomb…tick tick tick, oh its better now. Thank fuck for that, Alton Towers is todays destination, not Morriston Hospital. Panic averted, funeral called off (wish I’d held off on the non-refundable deposit) and we were on the way…only an hour late today. ETA was now 11:30…ahh bugger it, we are here for 2 days, lets treat ourselves to a late start…not like we had a choice, thanks to Jordan ‘Cry Wolf’ Fletcher.
Painless journey for the most part, the usual coffee and pee stops, the usual kids sleeping most of the journey, only to complain we weren’t prompt enough to arrive. Well that and the added bonus today of a fart beatbox freestyle from Grayson…wait, when the hell did he wake up? It was so peaceful. “Ha Daddy, I burped on your neck!”…Very ladylike Alaska, princess that you are. Karma soon hit as the combination of the early morning wakeup, 21 degree temperature, and my rally style driving soon meant burps turned to vomit…poor little thing. Please ensure you aim at the Eminem’s less appealing cousin, Snoop Farts as he is now calling himself.
With the faint scent of vomit in the air, and the relief that Alaska’s not so subtle neck burps hadn’t turned into an early shower, we eventually made it to our destination.
We had already checked in to the room online, and so didn’t have to worry about that, so headed straight to the park. First stop was to pick up our ride access pass, granted due to Jordans inability to walk, stand or cope with life in a queue for more than 10 minutes or so…thank god, today looked like every fucker around the Staffordshire area had decided to join in our adventures; I’m presuming they heard about my blogging prowess and wanted in. The more likely reason being the start of the kids summer holidays that just so happened to coincide with the start of the 10 year anniversary celebrations of CBeebies Land…what was I thinking? Ah come on, you know I didn’t plan ahead, and had no idea of the significance of today. Seriously, there was a Cobra Kai-esque greeting at the security gates by some sort of cult outing (presumably heading for the sacrifice to the Wicker Man) that had us stressing that the hour long wait for Postman Pat being the only ride we would make today.
Anyways…skip CBeebies for today, looks great, cakes, presents and frivolity everywhere, but we are going to save that torment for tomorrow…we need to psych ourselves up for that sort of torture. Yep, it’s the kids day tomorrow, but today is mainly for Mam and Dad.
Straight to the Dark Forrest, bypass Rita (mainly because it’s a bit shit, but also the wait time was mad), and head for Th13teen to chance if Grayson had grown a few inches overnight. Phew, luckily he met the 1.2m criteria by a hair and before we knew it, he was narrating the ride to me…shit himself on the drop section mind, eyes closed and everything. Really is his Fathers Son, hes a little bitch for stuff like that just like I was/am; anything dark and foreboding is our downfall…any other time, we are overconfident dicks…ahhh family.
Newly trained Th13teen tour guide brownie badge acquired, we grabbed a bit of food at the Kebab place across the road from Rita, and chilled for a bit whilst we formed a battle plan and mentally prepared Grayson to head towards Alaska’s favourite ride. “I want to go to my favourite ride dad!”, yes I know Alaska, I just said that, calm down.
Her favourite ride?...The Curse at Alton Manor. Yep, that terrifying Ghost Train, the ride that Grayson proudly tells everyone he hides the whole time in fear and only saw the vortex tunnel…THAT ride. Ok babes, Grayson has had fun, time for your turn. Grayson, pull yourself together babes, its happening. Poor bugger was bricking it, but not to be outdone, Gray pulled up his big girl pants, blindfolded himself, recited a few bible verses, and began on the road towards the haunted manor…all whilst trying his best to ward off the evil spirits by attempting to anoint the grounds of Alton Towers with urine…no Grayson, despite what Mam says, we need to find the toilet. Jo, Loo, go ahead we’ll catch you guys up soon.
Finally make it to The Curse at Alton Manor, Alaska looks after me, and spends the whole of the terrifying, creepy ride with a beaming smile on her face, proclaiming her love for the ride the whole time. Grayson on the other hand, spends the ride tucked so far into Jordans armpit that she mistook him for an ingrowing hair. Seriously kid, you’re afraid of this ride, but have no problem being in the clutches of Jordan’s armpit? You’re a braver man than me.
Shaking off the trauma, me and Gray hit up the Mine Train…pretty shit, but Gray enjoyed, and then head to the rapids because apparently Grayson wasn’t wet enough due to all the haunted house pant pissing. Apparently you ain’t cool unless you piss your pants (cheers Billy Maddison), but Grayson hadn’t got the memo…loser.
“Come on let’s go!!”…crikey Gray, calm your tits. Barking orders at the poor bloke in front of us as he hadn’t immediately moved into the 2 foot gap in the queue. Mate, we will likely be spending the duration of the ride in a boat with this bloke, don’t make him want to chuck you overboard!! On second thoughts…
Anyways; got soaked, and Grayson didn’t get thrown overboard…yay. Narrowly avoided a swift rugby tackle from the ride attendants mind…little bugger wanted to run backwards around the turntable and couldn’t quite see the fuss people were making about potential for death and drowning…kids just want to fuck about and embarrass you…think that’s the saying right?
By now I’d had a vat of vicious texts of Jordan, reminding me that her and Alaska had also tagged along to mine and Grayson’s day out, and that my princess was threatening to disown me if I didn’t return post haste. Cant be having that, especially since Jordan had pissed away a tenner on the rigged carnival games, designed to dupe willing idiots into doing just that. Disgusted that the games master had stuck to the rules and didn’t allow any leeway for wayward throws, Jordan’s agitation level had reached critical mass, and I was public enemy number 1…Calm down mun, its your own fault, if you’d had Gray with you you’d have been high fiving a giant Charmander by now…he swears blind he would win (despite precedent saying otherwise).
Getting back on Alaska’s good side, we make it on to ‘Heave Ho’, a shit pirate ship that Alaska bloody loved, despite the lack of terrifying demons or ghost children…TAME! Chuck a few more ghosties and ghoulies in there, and you’ll have a top 2 attraction in Alaska’s eyes…
Wicker Man for Jo and Gray then…quick shower in Alaska’s piss for me…cheers little Loo. Mark this date, July 20th 2024, they day everyone was covered in pee. Quick F1 style change of Alaska, and the Bat Signal goes out…Grayson has shrunk a few inches between Th13teen and Wicker Man (does fear shrink you?), and had been subject to a vigorous measuring by Alton Towers top physics professors and was deemed unworthy of sacrifice to the Wicker Man. Sorry kid, you have to be this tall to suffer a firey death…guess the honor falls to Mammy instead.
Better luck next time…brilliant ride, really kicks fuck out of you at the back, and a great take on a wooden rollercoaster…LOVE IT.
Next stop was the Ministry of Joy to see if maybe they could make Jordan smile today…yep, its was coming to the end of the day, and SMILER TIME!! Jordan gets on fine, has fun, lovely weather, front row…fab. Heavens open for me though…you know what doesn’t make me smile? Getting bloody soaked whilst being strapped into one of the longest rides here and suffering a brutal hammering from raindrops on the way round. You know what does make me smile though? (besides the psychological side effects of The Smiler of course)…hearing the trauma a bit of rain was causing the 3 girls I was in a row with. Don’t worry girls, the treatment will work by the end.
Rain was stopping play so we called it a day on our theme park part of the day…a chant of “Mini Golf, Mini Golf!!” filled the air, as the kids bayed for the blood of Happy Gilmore, and the torment they would soon inflict on me and Jo…honestly…its was torture.
Quick pickup of the room key and wander to the room…Lovely Caribbean vibe to this hotel…Splash Landings had a really cool feel, and really well themed. The room stinks of sick though and the TV has a crack on it…hmmm, guess that’s my £5 deposit gone? No time to complain, Mini golf closes soon and the kids are nagging for it…
Now, believe me when I say, nothing tears families apart more than 18 holes of mini golf…it was tortuous, torment and havoc. Brilliantly themed to the rides of Alton Towers, and a great course, but between Grayson’s cheating, Alaska’s limboing of every obstacle she could, the kids forcefully bothering the people in front of us, and Jordan claiming several ‘practice shots’ before her ‘real go’, it was a hard slog. Grayson did have a few brief moments of greatness where it looked like he was making a triumphant comeback, only to have a crisis of conscience, and decided against cheating the honour system. That and he kept swinging, missing and trying to put Alaska instead of the golf ball…bloody terrible.
Loser buys dinner then…cheers Alaska, Pizza it is!!! I won, obviously…well overall, Jordan had a brief canter to the finish line and narrowly lost. Thank fuck for that, my pride couldn’t take it.
Back to the vomit palace, and time for the entertainment. Fair play, the Merlin group hotels have some great entertainment for the kids in the evenings, Legoland was he same. Hokey Cokey and everything. Yes I danced, yes I loved it, yes I blamed the kids. Ma Garritas bar is the place to be in the evening here apparently. Apparently Splash Landings turns into some form of Magalufian haven in Staffordshire after dark though. Away from the sophistication of the Alton Towers Hotel, with their cabaret and classy acts, the post 9pm watershed brings out the dark side of Alton Towers, and transforms the hotel into ‘Gash Landings’…ooo how exotic. The Lemur mascot breaks out his stripper pole, and the kids are encouraged to tuck dollar bills into his tail. Well maybe not, but I was getting the vibes that Splash Landings was the raucous side of Alton Towers. Time for a quick pint and a bit of food before we retire to bed then. Quick pint? Heres another downfall of this hotel (which I do really like)…the queue for a drink was the longest I’d waited all day…AND I got robbed!! £20.50 for 2 pints and 2 caprisun…ffs, dread to think what food would cost us.
Outraged at the cost of drinks here, Alaska smashes a good half pint over me in an attempt for me to enjoy my beer through osmosis…cheers babes, that’s a solid fiver gone…pissed away a quicker than Mammy did on the Pokemon game, but at least I smell great ey? Who doesn’t love stale beer?
Tired, hungry and fearing another bought of robbery at the hands of the Merlin group, we opted for a Dominos Pizza to round the night off, and with a crotch smelling like I had swam through a vat of Budweiser, I head off to collects the spoils of war (I won the golf after all).
Good day, very tiring, but had lots of fun…here’s to tomorrow, CBeebies awaits. YAY!
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