Hyperia, Hyperia, Hy-p-ri-aaaaaa!!! Ahhh do we have to? I’m afraid so Jordan. To be fair, I was struggling today too. Absolutely fuckossed. Shattered, tired, and in an anxiety ridden mess due to my recent discovery of an impacted wisdom tooth. FFS Dean you’re almost 40 mun, you shouldn’t be having these issues! On a positive note, it was nice to find that I did actually have some wisdom. It’s a glass half full type of day. Feeling rougher than half the patrons of a Friday Night in The Vulcan circa 2005, we eventually managed to drag our raggedy asses out of bed, in the car, on the road, to Starbucks and then eventually Thorpe Park…woooo!!
Ok ok, so not all bad, the Golden Goddess was calling us, and was looking great in the sunshine. The sun was shining, and it was boiling…then cold, then windy, then sunny again…typical British weather then. To be expected, as long as it doesn’t piss down, it’ll be a good day.
Great first line of the day…the baggage check…unnecessarily long, badly organised, and complete with overly aggressive shouty bagman with mild short man syndrome. Little people love being in a position of power aiii…trust me, I live with three of them.
Finally made it through the interrogation with only a mild full body cavity search…at my request mind, they were happy with the bag check, but I wanted to be sure.
Hyperia, we’re coming for you!!! Bit more dodging, ducking, dipping, diving and dodging through the substandard coasters. Colossus should be renamed ‘Colossal bunch of wank’ and Saw: The Ride is basically legalised torture. Maybe we’re just getting old, but last time we rode these I almost blacked out on Colossus and came off Saw minus a foot, but with a renewed lease of life…cheers Jigsaw old boy. Yeah, so, let’s give it a miss today.
Ooo Fright Night set up in full swing; well partial swing, there’s a tent up and some posters of bloodied Teddy Bears and Chainsaw Wielding maniacs…we’ll be back in November for this…stay tuned for more Stitches and Dorris Doors…
Hyperia, single rider line…the hack of the day. Hate waiting in line? Want an excuse not to ride with your partner? Then single rider line is the place for you. Hell yes it is!! 70 minute line can get fucked, 20 minutes later we were on and off, with the added bonus of a back of train ride…sorry Jo but it was delightful (I was clearly gutted not to be riding with Jordan…obviously!). This coaster is incredible!
Hyperia done, time for a Freestyle cup…the super special Hyperia cup I saw last time we were here and didn’t buy due to the kids wanting to park hop to Legoland please. Hang about? Sold out?! What the actual fuck like!!! Don’t cry Dean, you’re a manly man in charge of your own destiny. Spoiler: I cried only a little bit, everyone laughed, I cried a little bit more, and so on and so forth. The cycle was eventually broken with whispers of a limited edition Hy-beer-ia (Hyperia branded beer incase you hadn’t guessed; Jordan swears she coined the phrase despite the very obvious sign stating otherwise). Right, let’s move!!! We head on a Holiday style quest to find the hottest Christmas toy of 1996. No wait, beer Dean, we’re looking for beer. Not too far either, right next to the sign advertising them…who’d have thought. A successful Facebook post at my newly acquired souvenir led to me dropping a further £12 faster than a newly divorced man at a strip club; Dad and Paige needed one too…obviously.
New substandard freestyle cup picked up (I’ll never get over the loss of the Hyperia cup)…and lunch was calling. Tacotopia or something like that…same place as last time. Nachos, Burritos and Tacos; oh my!! Decent value, decent food…especially with a surprise additional fully loaded nachos. Cheers kitchen fuck up. Great on site entertainment here too…some fucker on a date not so humble bragging his new screenplay to his date…it was either that or some sort of weird job interview. Couldn’t tell, strange people in the world ai.
Full of cheese, nachos and beef…Nemesis Inferno? Why the hell not, I have ‘spewing on Nemesis Inferno’ on my bucket list. Just as well, I’d taken advantage of the free nachos and was already nauseous from the humble, not at all bullshit ridden proclamations of James Waan…ker. Let’s start this bucket list off, beware fellow Thorpe Parker’s, it’s about to rain!!
Front row queue gave us Inbetweeners flashbacks as some inconsiderate arseholes take our place at the front of the ride…VIP queue jumpers? Little tip, probably best not to announce VIP over the tannoy to everyone on the loading platform. You may either give people with 24 YouTube subscribers and a handful of TikTok followers false hope they had finally made the big time (not talking about anyone in particular 🙄), or cause muttering a of ‘who the hell are they? Are they even famous?’. Nope they weren’t, well not to Fletcher acknowledgement level anyways. Quality ride mind, could do with some more cohesive theming along with Alton Towers version, but brilliant all the same.
Legged it through Big Easy Boulevard to avoid the gold sparkle gang…don’t ask, we can’t explain, and duel with the social anxiety of getting free chuppa chups…we’re a strange couple ai. Then head across to The Swarm via a quick bypass of the Tidal Wave of Tidal Wave…seriously, it’s warm, but who the hell wants to be walking around all day looking like they’d full body pissed over themselves??! I hate water rides…have I said before?
The Swarm then…quality ride, slow, short and broken down…FFS!! Lurking like rollercoaster thirsty zombies paid off and we were quickly ushered into the queue and riding the slowest, most gentle alien abduction…London may be fucked up, but the Aliens know how to treat guests right. Nice smooth coaster, bloody love it mun…just wish it was a bit longer.
Back to Hyperia for a quick re-ride before home time and we were done for the day…still shattered, and still feeling rougher than the love child of Saw and Colossus, but had a pretty fun chilled out day. Only a 3 hour journey home in a car with no air con, I love British Summer!!
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