Arrive to catch the Mega Movie Parade again…bloody marvellous, and to a present from Jordan…the Major Sweets top hat cake. Designed more for the gram than for a hot day, I demolished that bad boy, and instantly regretted it as we joined the line for The Mummy…Imhotep is gonna be so angry with me…
Then it was time…time for the queue to queue to queue…time for Stay and Scream. New York had a huge line from 3pm, so obviously we joined…ready for havoc, ready for HHN. Insidious first, get the scariest house of the year out the way first…I don’t want the Bride in Black haunting my dreams…gets do it in daylight.
The stay and scream was filled with lots of strategising fans…we had our own strategy…express pass the hell out of it, and do anything else later…3.2.1…GO!!!
Funnelled through, Jordan, determined that I sleep with nightmares of Keyface and The Man that can’t breath, directs us through the standby with a plan to redo this at the end of the night with our express…cheers Jo, now I need to pretend I’m brave. This is why I’m the planner…
Like a lamb to the slaughter, the nervous tension fills to the point where Jordan gets chest pain and almost has an infarct by association…yes yes, I pretend I’m a big man, but I’m really a bit of a willy woofter.
Right, so this is how it went down…
Insidious, great, but somewhat spoiled by the screaming woman the whole way round…I was that screaming woman. It scared the shit out of me and tonight Insidious will fuel my nightmares. There are two mannequin scares and what seemed like a never ending realm of men who couldn’t breath, men dressed as brides, some key faced bloke and a naked, hoofed Darth Maul. I can joke now, but I have never screamed so much in a house…I think the scare actors were embarrassed for me.
Ghostbusters next, such a good house…just an all round good time and some well needed respite from the barrage of poop your pants moments that Insidious provided. Ecto 1 (waaahhh, waaahhh), Garraka, and mini Stay Pufts, and just a bloody brilliant soft squishy marshmallow of a time. Note, Jordan screamed in this one.
A Quiet Place, was a pretty loud disappointment. Overused animatronics, not enough actors and a build up that promised but fell short…enjoyed as I always do, but left a little sad. The animatronics were badass mind…
Pit stop to destroy the little Stay Puft buggers…there were an excess of these in the house, so made sense to harvest them and feed them to guests. Cute little S’mores…clearly meant for the gram, but of course we indulged. Steered clear of the toothpaste corn dog…Grayson will be so disappointed.
Triplets of Terror was a surprise hit for me, watching the Belcher (ooops, I mean Barmy) kids carry out a murderous rampage in retaliation for a shit b’day party way back when…and I thought Jordan could hold a grudge. Note, never give Alaska a shitty party…there were too many similarities.
Major Sweets Candy Factory was great, and the guest activated triggers were a lot of fun. Not too dissimilar from Gray and Alaska’s sweets fuelled sugar rushes, we felt at home in the one. Crazed kids pissing about and causing havoc…yeah we have a dessert party planned tomorrow, so I guess we’ll see a repeat of this house. Loved it; campy, gory fun.
Skip the show, never appeals to use really…I mean, I have all the acrobatic prowess, and Jordan is a self proclaimed pyromaniac…we have the wish version at home.
Universal Monsters: Eternal bloodlines showed why women should not be allowed free rein of a horror house…Joke, Joke…please don’t cancel me. It was actually a great house and have no idea why it’s getting so much hate. Story was fun, and had some great scenes…oh and Saskia was brown bread at the conclusion. Shocker!!
Oh no partner, the Sheriff is in town. Apparently a Goblin was playing fuck and needed to be taught a lesson…Goblins Feast was slightly delayed as the cops busted down the door to the Human Chophouse and took said Goblin out. Rumor is they planted a gun, but no one has sympathy for the dodgy Goblins…no wonder there was an uprising.
Goblins opens and we travel the mystical realm narrowly avoiding being tomorrow’s delicious main course. I mean, I’ve put a bit of weight on, but I wouldn’t make a great meal…another life saved. Great house mind, really really fun.
Slaughter Sinema next and a travel through a B movie marathon of the Carey Drive in…clowns, sharks, murderous jesters and some heavy metal mofos. Good fun, but I lost a tenner stuffing dollar bills down the Mummy strippers thong. Apparently it’s not the done thing and I narrowly escaped park ejection by stuffing a $20 bill down the security guards top…I did make him dance first though.
Museum: Deadly Exhibits to see what St Fagans would look like if a murderous stone started kicking off. Again, no idea why the hate, it was bloody good fun, even if Teddy Roosevelt was missing…and Amelia Earhart, and Ben Stiller…wait a minute!
All those many screams and miles of walking had worked up our appetite…time to piss away $15 on half a bag of Doritos and some cold meat…yep, it was Walking Taco time. Why everyone raves about it I have no idea, maybe we ate it wrong? We were sat down, perhaps kinetic energy propels the taste buds…or perhaps it’s just a bag of crisps?
Amble though Swamp of the Undead, and catch up with Little Miss Mindfuck Surreal in Demon Queens (both great zones to be fair) before we headed to our last house of the night; Monsterous: The Monsters of Latin America. Great house, lots of fun (if you like infant death and people having their spines ripped out I guess), and a badass bird woman animatronic.
Hammer back through Torture Faire and Blumhouse zones, which get just a little more intense when the sun goes down, and we finish our night with a trip to see Diagon Alley under Voldemort rule. Great lighting, some banging tunes and a cool show…maybe we were rooting for the wrong person all along. Voldemort knows how to party…not that my muggle ass can cope with a Voldemort party at my age.
Last thing on the agenda was to redo Insidiois and reclaim some man points…less screaming, thank god…that lady who kept screaming earlier was out of control.
And that was the tale of our time. Had a fantastic time this year. No amazing houses, but all solid. Had a bloody marvellous time, and managed to get back just before midnight, just as my carriage transformed back into Lil Boo…
Thank god for Chris, we could have never done that without him.
Lie in tomorrow, chill day and Chris’ trip back home…damn I need to sleep…I’m flagging now at my age.
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