What fresh hell have I let myself in for today??! After years of putting it off, I finally caved in and booked Paultons Park…unfortunately known for the UK’s only Peppa Pig World. Damn…we hate that snorty, puddle jumping bitch at the best of times, so a rain soaked wet weary day at a whole land dedicated to her was going to test our resolve.
Anywho, up and at em bright and early, raring and ready to have a fun filled day (surely without any tantrums from the kids ). I love British summertime ai, beginning of July and it’s raining so much that motorway visibility meant that I was using the cats eyes to guide my way…thank god I took that braille class all those years ago. Coming out the other side of our near death experience we were hit by another potential torrent…this time a little more human made though…”Did you guys bring the bag of nappies?”. Why Alaska? Have you done a wee or a poo?…”I don’t know, could be either”. Damn it mun, potty training is doing great!
It’s ok though, any potential unsavoury Alaska scents were quickly overcome by the overwhelming smell of bacon. Hmmm, that’s right, just as Grayson could smell the LEGO to guide us to Legoland, Paultons Park pumped out their own directional scent, a stern representation that Peppa Pig World was near. Sat nav off Jordan get your head out the window…THAT WAY!! Yes boss, we’ll be there in no time. Sure enough, with Jordan’s nose as our guide we arrive with time to spare…that’ll do pig, that’ll do!
Looking forward to this park to be honest, despite the dread of a full World dedicated to Peppa Pig (which is the most marketed commodity of the park), I had heard that this was potentially the best themed family park in the UK!!! Just had to finally check it out then (unless this was another clever marketing ploy…in which case it had totally worked). Cheap assed mofo that I am, the other thing that had warned me away like a paranoid germfobe in the middle of a pandemic was the price tag; £48 per person over 1m tall, and that’s the discount pre book rate!! Best get in before Alaska grows a few inches and we never take the chance on this park.
A case of super anxiety ensued as I broke out in sweats and panic over the upcoming height measuring ceremony where Paulton’s try their best attempt at a pre entry fleecing incase you’d mis measured your toddler. I’m on to them though don’t worry, I’d made sure Alaska donned her flattest shoes and had been willing some growth suppression just. Success!!! Limbo on through the entry gates Alaska, you just saved Daddy £60!!!
First impressions are great…the place does stink of bacon to be fair…you have got to love the commitment to the main park draw here. It had nothing to do with the entrance being through the cafe at breakfast time I’m sure. Amazing entrance and scenery here, luscious gardens full of aviaries at the centre of the park directing you to the different areas. It doesn’t look a huge park, but it’s a decent size and boasts 70 rides throughout, most of which Grayson can ride…all but 2 rides! This was the main draw for us, we have been struggling for parks where Gray can get his coaster fix, and this place had loads…bloody brilliant.
First stop is the newest area of the park…Tornado springs, home to Storm Chaser!!! A really well themed spinning coaster!! This whole area is incredible, all based around a tornado stricken American City, with the main attraction towering at the centre. Right Alaska and Jo, we’ll be back in a bit, we’re channelling our inner Bill Paxton (10 points if you got the reference). They had hijacked Mine and Grayson’s day out to be fair…Jordan was supposed to be in a show this weekend, but opted to make our day miserable instead…NOT TODAY JORDAN!!!. Wow, wait time of 0 minutes…walk on, ride done…fantastic. Gray lost his mind and they allowed us to go straight back around. Bloody brilliant mun (spoiler, Grayson would ride this at least 3 more times through the day).
Following Grays triumphant return, we catch up with Jo and Loo, who made their way around the majority of Critter Creek, hitting up all the big rides; the Caterpillar, the Carousel, ya know, all the death defying rides!! Ever jealous, Grayson ensures we do not fail to miss the DOUBLE DECKER CAROUSEL, and hops aboard level 2, whilst I have to monitor his frivolities from a wooden bench. I want to ride a horse too mun!!!
Full of disappointment, and a brief tantrum from myself, we meet back up with the joy removal crew and wander Critter Creek…great indoor reptile house, and a quick ride aboard the Caterpillar!! Yep, if Storm Chaser was intense, you aint seen nothing yet. Well, it was as intense a coaster that Alaska would ride today anyways. Cant complain too much Loo, you got in for bugger all, why would they cater to your adrenaline junkie attitude?
All this extreme coasteering had worked up our appetite, so we headed for an early lunch at Route 83 Diner, only to be denied entry…apparently 11am for lunch is ‘too early’. Not for Hobbits like Jordan and Alaska it ain’t (an additional 10 pints if you understood that reference). Blatant prejudice ignored, we head for a few pre-lunch rides to settle our stomachs. Back to Storm Chaser for Gray and Jo (she hated it), and a bit of Windmill Towers for me and little Loo…ooo, a kids drop tower, whats not to like? Well, the rain that’s what…the heavens opened and we were stuck on a pissing stationary tower with nothing to do but accept our fate. May as well have just taken a bath fully clothed…may have ended up drier.
Surely we’re allowed for some food now? Following a stern letter for the Hobbits rights committee, the diner agreed to open earlier than planned and allowed us to avoid the rain and feast on the delights of a storm ridden town. Was awful convenient of the tornado to deliver the cow direct to the diner ready for burgering. I’ll have the Peppa Pig special please…extra Peppa…delicious, oh and the kids? Well they just want to finger paint with mayo…and yeah that is my wife fucking around with the curly fries as earrings. Its all for Blog content, that’s what I keep telling myself, I must have driven them mad.
“Dad carry me, we’ll go faster”…clever ploy there Alaska, sure you just don’t want to distance yourself from your mother, sporting her new curly fry earrings? I certainly do. Yep the excitement was real, we were off to see how the literal sausage was made and time to accept the torture we had signed up for…Peppa Pig World!!! Straight in at the deep end, we are greeted for a queue to meet the delightful little swine and her brother George. Longest queue of the day this mind, around 20 mins for a meet and greet with this pair of hoodlums. The kids loved it though, and it gave Jordan a bit of respite to explore the gift shop, and make the difficult decision not to buy matching P.Pig PJ’s, and have a rant at how much she despised Peppa and all she stood for…but still wanted to ride Georges Dino ride…strong morals there fair play.
Queens Flying Coach ride, Georges dinosaur adventure (Dean’s coffee respite), and we had managed to wander away rather painlessly from Pig Land UK edition. Well, we did succumb to a brief stint of rage from Alaska going ballistic for ice cream, but this was nothing compared to what was to come a little later. We did manage to steer the kids clear of the gift shop and the inevitable bundles of Peppa Pig branded streetwear that I would surely buy. Honestly though if they had a Cap, I would have bought it…I’m a little ashamed to admit…nah I’m not. To be fair, this place was really well themed, and a great kids area…if it was themed to something like the Ninja Turtles, I would spend all day here, but its not…its Peppa Pig. Off we go.
This place is also a bloody zoo too mind, Some amazing enclosures for the animals in the ‘Africa’ section. Immaculately kept, thriving animals…Meekats, Mongoose, and Fennec Foxes…Oh my!! Fab!!
Moving from the real animals, we headed to The Lost Kingdom next to see what prehistoric Paultons had in store for us. Brilliant theming again, and some great rides here. Two big-ish coasters, a drop tower, a slow ride and a dino meet and greet amongst loads of other rides and play areas. This place had taken us by surprise…but not as much as the walk through dino experience that we ended up boarding a jeep and heading through a poor mans Jurassic Park on the Dino Tour. We had fun mind despite seeing the T-Rex tear apart a chained up goat whilst the kids watched in disbelief at the sacrificial slaughter meant to appease the Apex Predator of Paultons Park. They may have taken this too far, someone needs to tell them that the dinos aren’t real.
Jo and Gray head onto Flight of the Pterosaur whilst Alaska scams £6 out of me to lose a duck fishing carnival game and win a prize that would have cost a quid in Poundland…I’m beginning to think that this was where Paultons were making back their gains from the ‘free’ entry rule. Grayson would surely get jealous as soon as he spotted her grand prize and nag for his own…best distance myself from him for the duration then.
My turn then, love a ride on a coaster in torrential downpours…I felt like Dennis Nedry about the place…should have brought my yellow mac, its like a red rag to a bull for Dilophosaurus apparently (if Jurassic Park is anything to go by…that’s factual right?). Quick hide from the rain in the shop (Grayson must have been disorientated from the ride and not realised where we were by the lack of nagging for shit toys vaguely reminiscent of the Jurassic era). Quick Dino meet and greet, narrowly avoiding being Raptor chow, and we head to Velociraptor!! Its not quite as intense as Velocicoaster…more of an entry level version (well nowhere near really), but we did manage to get a ride at front and back.
Quick blast on the Magma drop tower to test my fear of heights and drop tower safety (always reassuring to have the attendant check and re check your harness, look confused and send the ride up anyway…I survived luckily), and a ride on the wild mouse styled ‘Cobra’. Another great little coaster that Gray bloody loved. Back for Ice Cream with Loo and Jo to cool down in the baking summer sun…I mean hammering down rain. We needed a little snacky snack mind, we had worked up an appetite running from Dinos and being traumatised by drop tower of terror. Ice Cream was preceded by Grayson’s reluctance to accept that we are all shit at carnival style games and refuse to piss money away, where the only prize we would win is disappointment, so opted for Dole Whip instead…yeah that’s the kind of prize I like!!
Just in time for the Blast off show…Yay!!! A great little show about the trials and tribulations of a team of 6 bumbling idiots that managed to scrape their way through space cadet training (I assume they have rich parents or were blackmailing the head of the academy) in search of an Alien Planet for ‘research purposes). Sounds awful suspect to me, but they did have some catchy songs and signed everything for the hearing impaired (so everyone could enjoy the boss tunes…someone clearly wanted their songs heard by masses). Pretty good production to be fair, and Alaska’s dancing and joy in her eyes made me beam with joy and forgive the Cadets for kicking off the next alien invasion. Yep, its moments of joy like that I adore.
Time was creeping up on us so a just enough time for a few more rides of Storm Chaser (twice), and a quick stop at the Driving school for the kids to pick up their licence ready for the journey home…cheers kids, I’m a little jaded and could use a break from driving. That was us done for the day…it has flown, and we had a great time. Only the unsuccessful navigation through the gift shop exit left, where poor Grayson would endure a broken heart at my reluctance to purchase a monster truck that was double the price of a normal shop…I’m generous, but I’m not stupid. The poor bugger though, distraught and heart broken, we leave with a few magnets for the collection and a keychain each for the kids backpacks. I had gone from the best Dad in the world to the worst in a matter of 5 seconds. I was crying, Gray was crying, Alaska was smiling…wait what?! Creepy Loo.
Anyways, he got over it in the end and we are mates again, and I am the best Dad in the world once more…take that other Dads!!
We had a fantastic time…Paultons Park was amazing, I genuinely can’t believe we had put it off for so long. One of the best family theme parks the UK has to offer? Very possibly. The rides the kids could ride and the variation was a lot more than other parks. The whole place was immaculate, and the animal areas were fantastic. If the annual pass was a little cheaper, we would now be annual passholders. We will be back again for sure.
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