Ok, so today we did one of those things that seems like a great idea at the time, but on the day of, it felt like a an idea out of a fools mind…oh wait.
Yep, we’re on the Tour de Force of Scare Events this year, and I’d been duped by the skilful marketing via social media of Newsham Scream Park. This had better be good…it’s a 4 hour drive each way.
Welcome to the Fletchers’ Misadventures…Scooby Doo edition.
So yeah, it was supposed to be a group effort. Paige was the Velma of the Fletchers’ Mystery Inc (me? Fred? Hell no, I’m as Shaggy as Shaggy comes…me and Scooby Jordan). Fred and Daphne had fucked off to unveil the mystery of the rouge miner in Big Pit, and following a night shift spent worrying about the night ahead, Paige had decided to join them. “I might give today a miss, I’ve only just got home from work and I’m knackered”. Obviously shitting herself…it’s ok Pops, we’ll do a recon.
Wait…We’re going where??! A bloody derelict Orphanage/Asylum. Fuck sake!! No wonder Paige was up all night in a blind panic…this place was more haunted than a feature length episode of Most Haunted (throwback) with more ghost stories than good old Danny Robins could podcast about . Yep…this place was damn scary before they decided to chuck some horror mazes in the courtyard.
So yeah…let’s boo this!! Nice little drive up, hammer a McRib on the way (spoiler, doesn’t live up to the decade long hype), and finally arrive. Orphan Drive? Damn this road can sure rub it in to the poor little children…just a reminder kids, you have no parents. So yeah…the asylum. Throwing off all sorts of ‘we got ghosts in the windows, doorways and lurking behind you’ vibes. Damn this place was overwhelmingly picturesque and haunting…perfect setting for a good old fashioned scared night out.
So…here’s the deal. 1.5 hour time slots to do the mazes, take in the ambience, buy Dean a new hat, take some pictures and leave. Apparently the time limit is to stop the ghosts becoming too familiar with you and following you home. There, that’s something ai just made up but let’s hope it’s true.
Right, first up…’Humanimals’. Grouped in, we get pulsed through the intro room where a deathly looking security guard gives us the lowdown and chucks up into the maze of human/animal hybrids intent on tearing us apart. Damn…ok, it was mental seeing the Donkey hybrid just swinging his giant dick around…even crazier seeing the guy in front them offering himself to the Dr hoping for the same. Calm down mate, just take what you got and move on. Good maze, great acting, but I was almost choked to death by the woman behind me. Using me as a human shield, Whitney Houston broke out over the airwaves of this girls mind and must have seen me as the Welsh Kevin Costner…, I ain’t no body guard love (I mean, I’m a ripped handsome man, but I live in constant fear!). My pleas fall on deaf ears and I got ragged around more than a doll in a the kids nursery in Toy Story 3. It’s cool love thankfully being choked is my kink 🙄. She did apologise for the borderline attempted murder to be fair…I almost joined the ranks of the 999 spirits of Newsham Park Hospital.
Next up…’Priesthood’ : Darkness and Fingering!! That’s the unofficial tagline anyway. Basically, what it says in the tin. Transported into a room with a monk giving you the low down…hurried through a priest hole and made to wear a hood to dull the senses. Still moist from breath of the last victim (thank god Covid doesn’t exist anymore 🙄) I become the leader of the black hood gang. Screamed at, made to hold a rope (well I hope it was a rope…can’t really trust a priest from what I hear) to guide the way and molested; damn they have the immersion spot on here. This was an experience, and experience where I was screamed at to stop, screamed at to go…but never screamed at to collect my $200 (little monopoly joke for you there). Finally released back into the courtyard, hood removed, pants pulled up (how did that happen?), and free to enjoy the frivolities of Pennywise chasing randoms around.
Few photo ops and on to the next. ‘Under the Bed’. Aww hell no!! Dean leading the rear, were given the run down by Mags’ lookalike and chucked under a bed and into the stuff of nightmares. Creepy dolls, some bloke with 6 eyes, some other bloke chasing me, some over bloke smiling…and a giant Boogeyman. Yep, this was brilliant. Transported up the stairs of the asylum, (you can’t help but think scaring people on the stairs is a potential safety hazard?) and into the creepy bedrooms and dark hallways. Brilliant. The most terrifying part came after the house exiting the fire escape and down some rickety stairs…Almost Death Take 2: Manslaughter at the Asylum.
Last up…the place we almost ended up following the death steps…’The Mortuary’. Set in the actual mortuary, we are led with glowsticks and haunted by a cast of 2 or 3 guys. These guys were insane and chucked themselves around at the speed of light (which incidentally was pretty slow here given the absence of it). Creepy, but not pitch darkness with some insane water effects. Brilliant by shorter than Jordan.
Few last photos and a quick snap back purchase and we were done. Just over an hour, and well within the hitchhiking ghosts time limit…thank god, a 4 hour drive home with Jordan is bad enough.
Had a great time, it’s creepy, it’s picturesque and it’s well done. Massive respect to the actors…there is no way I’d be hanging around in the dark in that place between scares; my only comfort was the fact that if there was a ghost lurking in the asylum, then they’d have the actors first. That’s my logic and I’m sticking to it. 4 hour drive back now, bag of Cheese and Onion and a Strawberry Milkshake for dinner…
Comments