HO HO HO MERRY NEW YEAR!! Bloody hell, I cannot believe how quick the last week has gone. A week ago today it was Christmas Day, we were celebrating the kids apparent win at making the nice list and diving in and out of consciousness from lack of sleep and a pretty decent food coma. Even the no mans land between Christmas and New Year, where no one really knows what day it is and lawlessness ensues (we’ve all read about the great Pontarddulais Prawn Cracker fight of 2024 right?) has flown. Just like that…surprise bitches…it’s 2025.
New Year’s resolutions…Jordan is gonna try pull a fairy godmother to her Elsarella and beautify her enough to win top bitch at Crufts (yeah, best of luck with that), Alaska is going to try be the first person in over 100 years to find a real life Unicorn, Grayson is going to try have a decent school attendance rate (an accomplishable feat you’d have thought, but we’ll have better luck with Alaska’s Unicorn hunt; poor bugger gets a Tonsillitis related hammering over the winter months, that metaphorically butch slaps him from the schools good books), and I’m going to finally breach the worlds top 10 most handsome men. I mean, I’ve been hovering in the top 15 for so long, it’s about time I made a push for the big times…Chris Hemsworth, I’m coming for your crown. Mags?…well, she’s vowed to make it to 2026; though I think Jordan will have a better chance at her resolution, especially if Mags sticks to a diet of cake and cheap spirits.
Right, we can’t just sit around doing bugger all today (not like we did that for New Years Eve or anything), it’s our last day off of the festive season, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend it sitting in the house drowning in the remnants of Christmas past, eating my depression away. How about spending £70 to piss around at a trampoline park?…Perfect!!
That’s right Matthew (you must have got that reference), today we’re off to Jump Jam Trampoline Park!!!
Yes back again, it’s been a minute since we were last here. I haven’t been the same since my Brian injury last time out…Brian? Ffs brain…see, I’m still suffering the effects; this must be how Mags feels on the daily.
Despite Mags insistence that she had the energy of several coked up youths about to lay waste to Koolers on a Saturday Night in Merthyr, we opted to err on the side of caution and not allow an 84 year old access to a Trampoline Park. I wasn’t about to sign that waiver, and I’m not sure Jump Jams insurance policies cover Fracture Neck of Femur to an over exuberant pensioner hell bent on denying the reaper his prize.
Play it safe Grams, I’ll set you up with a coffee, you can just watch us and think of what could have been. Conveniently, as a result of pure good fortune we saved a quid on lockers and opted to employ Margaret’s Security detail for bag and shoe watch…I wouldn’t mess with her, she flails a stick better than Jon Snow flails a sword, and sharpens her dentures for extra bite power. Who needs a knife when you have detachable teeth ey?
Anyways, with the human version of Statler and Waldorf viewing from the stands, we set on our merry way to try our best to avoid injury and have a half decent time. Honestly, the jeers she was giving some of the kids attempting the warped wall was brutal. “Ha! Unlucky you little prick!!”…bloody hell Grams, Grayson in trying his best mun.
Speaking of which, nothing like a New Years Day 90 minute gym session to send you into a pit of self loathing. The warped wall? Completed it mate…well, the smaller one anyways. I have the upper body strength of Mr Tickle, and the stature of Jack Skellington (let’s keep it festive one last time). I can just about climb the stairs with my fitness levels…add a slight incline and a bit of upper body work and I’m buggered…reaper, stop chasing Mags; you may as well get me instead. To be fair, it was nice to see people much fitter than me, adorned in proper gym gear fail miserably…made my sore abs and sorer pride feel a little better; and I even joined Mags in a snide remark or two at their failure. Happy New Year…fucking losers!!
Ok, moving on for the disappointment, we had a lot of fun. I managed to dodge the wipeout arms relatively successfully…only stopping when I fell and flattened a 5 year old who was just trying to have fun. Listen kid, if you can’t play the game then bugger off and let the adults show you how it’s done. Me, I’m the adult…show him how it’s done I did not.
Hiding from the inquest of the family making their way around Jump Jam injuring and insulting children, and following a violent gladiatorial duel between Jordan and Grayson, we soon took refuge in the huge climbing frame play area. I was so pumped, I felt like The Warriors trying to make our way back home. The rival street gangs littered the park as we navigated the area. Grayson took out the Football Furries (a London based gang cosplaying as their favourite animals) and Alaska led the battle against the Bridgend based Orphans (a group of youths living under the Trampoline Park, cast aside by their parents). It was mad but we eventually cleared our name and chucked some unsuspecting kid under the bus so we could enjoy ourselves.
Right, gang warfare aside, we had great fun exploring and the 6 story play zone. Honestly, this place is great…some of the bridges are made of Perspex, giving the fun jeopardy of not knowing whether you’d make it beyond the middle of the walkway before the floor gives up on you. Grayson was absolutely shitting it…Alaska was living her dreams of flight.
We rolled Jordan through some of those rolly things (if you know you know…if you don’t, well I have no other way to explain them) for a laugh…she got stuck and Grayson had a fabulous time experiencing how fun it is to fall face first from a platform 2 foot in the air…oh how he laughed…well not really, he was not best pleased…
Next, we hit up the 360 stripper poles and recreated Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking ball. Honestly thinking of taking up a new career in pole dancing…I mean, everyone wants to see me take my clothes off for money right? Magic Mike got piss all on me…can he slowly slide down a spinning pole with awkwardly gangly legs and a weird look on his face? I think not. Ladies…please control yourself, I know that’s a powerful image right there.
Back down from the dizzying heights of the soft play, we next decided it was a good idea to take turns jumping off a 8ft ledge onto a giant bag of air…yeah, as fun as it sounds, and surprisingly daunting…well to Jordan at least. A wave of embarrassment sweeps the air as Alaska pushes her out of the way to leap to certain doom. Nope Jordan she’s perfectly fine…get your ass off that ledge. Oh and now Grayson is doing it, oh and now Alaska…and now Grayson. You get the jist. She eventually made it incase you were waiting with bated breath, but poor Alaska suffered a piss take related ankle injury following her final attempt at making Mammy feel inadequate. Bounce it off little Loo, you’ll be fine. Hard as nails is little Alaska…I’d have been calling for gas and air and setting up a go fund me to pay for my recovery. To be fair, I did also end up inuring my toes…I may have broken another few toes, taking my dodgy toe total on my right foot to 3 if anyone is counting.
Dodgy feet aside it didn’t stop me and Alaska from conquering the climbing wall, all whilst Grayson made a friend turned accomplice in an effort to corroborate his bullshit story of conquering the warped wall. Yeah yeah we all believe you Gray…honestly. Mags…did he do it? ah no good asking her, if I asked if Grayson invented Penecillin she’d sweat blind that he did just to go along with Grayson’s lies.
Thank god, 90 minutes are up…I’m bloody shattered; it’s been a hard year already.
Time for some food…bloody starving, or not. Pencoed Harvester had clearly been misguided in their guesstimate that people may want to eat food, and sent out mass panic texts to their bookings alerting us there was no food left. Seriously? Bloody madness mun. No fear, we were able to snag a reservation closer to home, somewhere that decided that people may want to eat in New Years Day.
Yep so, a quick shop, and a quick trip to Gowerton for some delicious food, complete with mounds of Blue Cheese sauce for little Alaska…she’s the Queen of Cheeeeese.
Had a great New Years Day to be fair…chilled out evening ready for the fun of work tomorrow…back at it.
Had a fantastic week off with the family and a great start to 2025!!
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