Ok Ok, so whos the idiot that decided breakfast at 7:45 on a Sunday was a good idea?? Anyone? Come on own up…oh yeah, it was me. Sorry guys, get your lazy asses out of bed, what do you think this is? Some sort of Holiday?...Grayson clearly hadn’t gotten the memo, and was taking the relaxing Caribbean theming a little too far. Nope, up you get, there’s a free breakfast to be had, and early park entry to be won. To be fair, the early entry did not benefit Gray one bit, so you can kind of see his protests…but we won’t tell him that until a little later.
Finally awoken from the clutches of the best room Splash Landings had to offer…sprinkled with a scent of vomit and pizza (vomit came with the room, the pizza was our attempt to mask the delightful aroma), and still in some form of carb loaded hangover from last nights Pizza, Grayson begrudgingly dressed and is ready to hit up Flambo’s Jambo. Sounds like some strange 90’s gameshow hosted by Dave Benson Phillips right?...well its actually the hotels top dining offering. This should be fun, looking forward to being gunged by an elderly DBP trying to relive his prime…all whilst stressing about the decision between a Full English or a stack of Pancakes…tough choice.
I digress…Jordan took forever to leave the room on accounts of being a self-conscious woman requiring a layer of makeup to meet the entry quotient for Alton Towers breakfast buffet…Grayson was raging, he could have had an extra hour in bed mun. He was further pushed over the edge into a frenzy at my attempts to film the waterpark…which was empty btw…I know the rule Grayson, don’t call the Splash Security over here.
Breakfast was decent, usual buffet faire where a free for all inevitably ensues between families stocking up their backpacks for the day to make some reparations for the extortionate pints at Ma Garritas…there was literally someone smuggling a mountain of hash browns into their backpack. You want to hit them hard? Go for the pastries, fill your bags, boots, hamsters cheeks…food for the day. Top travel tip right there.
With Alaska’s cheeks power loaded with Pain au Chocolat, and a backpack of bacon, we check out and head to the best perk of staying on site…Early entry to ride Nemesis: Reborn, and wander aimlessly for and hour around the Forbidden Valley. Yes there was bugger all open barring this and Alaskas favourite ride, but it gave us time to take in the décor and enjoy some ambience before the mad rush of the day.
Nemesis is still one of the best coasters in the country in my opinion, Jordan thinks its sub par, and would much rather ride the In The Night Garden boat ride (its is a little scarier to be fair), but I think its top tier. Theming is incredible…you ride a giant monster mun, and the ride is smooth and just a great adrenaline rush…Love love love it!!!
Broke down for Jordan’s go mind didn’t it…bad times.
Alaska in the meantime had her own little adrenaline rush (not that she knew), as she joined in Alton Towers new Soapbox Derby event…sponsored by Phalanx. I’ve never ran so fast to catch a wagon hurtling down a less than mild incline. She loved it though and demanded another round. Don’t think so little Loo, by heart can’t take it; don’t you know how unfit I am?
More afraid of Jordans wrath than the impending infarct, we hit up the Nemesis merch shop for Grayson to con me into buying a badass Nemesis: Reborn cap…I’m only a little jealous. This shop is really cool, the whole place is bloody well themed. Anyways, ulterior motive…you have a present Grayson, its time…time for THE CURSE AT ALTON MANOR!!!
A seasoned pro now at hiding his eyes and covering his ears, he assumes the position back in Jordans armpit and refuses to leave as a creepy child terrorises us…that right there is karma Grayson; now you know how Mam and Dad feel. Think we broke Alaska though, its no longer her favourite ride…shes reached her limit this trip.
Right, that’s enough creepy shit…you heard kids; smiles and rainbows for the rest of the day. We are here to celebrate the CBeebies Land 10 year anniversary…yay!!! Fuck ☹
There is a massive celebration on, like it’s a big deal or something apparently. The kids are excited to see characters they have never seen before, and celebrate something they never watch…hmmm. The atmosphere was electric as we made our way to the main stage. Feeling like she could take on the world, Jordan gives some kids shit for chasing ducks…they promptly ignore her and murder a Goose right in front of us to show us whos boss. Swinging a Goose around by their neck like some form of medieval weapon, we decide to move on to the party zone before someone tried to flay us with squirrel.
To be fair, they know how to throw a party…Glasto set up calls for Glasto prices…food trucks boasting ice cream for a pittance of £8 a tub, burgers for £15 and corn on the cob for just shy of a tenner…madness.
Some good entertainment though, the kids were loving it. Well, not my kids…Grayson had turned into a teenager, refusing to dance, and Alaska celebrated with a tantrum because we couldn’t rewind a live show to redo the claps that she missed out on. Mam, Gray, we’ll see you later…Little Loo is in a rage, and the puppet dog thing on stage is the culprit…fucking CBeebies!!
I have a secret weapon don’t worry…Donuts and Hotdogs…Kryptonite to a vicious 3 year old hell bent on shanking the stupid CBeebies presenters determined to ruin her day by doing their job…dickheads.
Refreshed, refuelled and inner demons unleashed for a few hours, we checked out the various shit activities around camp CBeeb before making our way to the birthday boy itself…CBeebies Land!!!
Actually not a bad area… its vast, well themed (if you like childrens TV I guess), and has some fun rides. Staff are good here too, great to the kids, and added a celebratory pop badge to the kids lanyards. I fought the urge to ask for one myself fearing judgement from an adult dressed in dungarees, sporting a Bluey plush…still disappointed in myself though.
We head for the never ending queue for the car ride that tours you around the land, and piss away a good chunk of time on something I could have done on foot in 5 minutes…great stuff init. We did have some fantastic entertainment from the Squirrel in the queue mind, taking its opportunity to make its big break to a handful of bored park goers, furious at their kids for ruining their day at Alton Towers. The crowd went wild, nuts were flying everywhere, and the Squirrel took a bow and fucked off about his day. A jealous crowd groan and resettle into the mundane wait to tour the land a few feet in the air. Good ride mind…
Bluey show next then…never seen so many full grown adults dance, sing and participate in a kids show…it was madness. Placards proclaiming love for the Heeler family adorned the stage area as hundreds of adults blocked their kids view of the Aussie Dream Team. Madness mun; Jordan, let the kids watch the show, sit down!!
The meet and greet that proceeded is what I image the queue to meet Jesus must have been like…it was mental. Fights broke out as Goose maces began flailing once more…fortunately The Teletubbies came to break up the riots though, with Tinky Winky dropping several Peoples Elbows on unruly 4 year olds whilst Po made their parents watch. It was brutal, but we all soon fell in line.
Still thirsty for blood and violence, we headed to Justin’s (who??) Pie-O-Matic Factory to unleash hell on some randomers. Honestly, this was mental…There were more balls flying everywhere than a male only strip club. Pneumatic guns shooting foam balls, what could go wrong? Grayson was in his element as he oversaw the demise of kids and parents alike, showing his true potential…some crazed manic hell bent on watching the world burn. We had to tear him away soon after fearing for repercussions for the bloodbath he left behind. Hes now wanted for GBH, we won’t divulge too much until the court proceedings are over.
Now, I am convinced that no one likes taking their kids to parks realistically, and that there is no such thing as a well behaved child in line. I’ve got to believe it, we can’t be the only ones surely? Fighting kids means another Alaska tantrum as we board the In The Night Garden Boat Ride…a relaxing tour meeting Iggle Piggle, Wiggle Diggle, Miggle Jiggle and Dave’s trippy homes and gardens…no idea what the hell was going on, or why Upsy Daisy was flashing us…this is a kids ride right?
Fortunately we avoid a re-ride and convince Alaska that Postman Pat will be a better alternative…I mean it is though. Now, you may think I don’t actually like this land due to the amount of shit I have given it, but I actually think its great for kids. Every ride is interactive and tells a story rather than just being a sightseeing tour of inanimate objects. Saying that though…Ive had enough, lets get some Donuts and head to see what else is about.
World of David Walliams featuring Gansta Granny: The Ride!! The most British theme park ride I think I have ever seen. Reminiscent of old Beanoland in Chessington, with some Roald Dhal vibes, its actually quite a fun themed area. The ride is a bit of fun, Jordan got stuck in a dog door in the queue (if you know, you know), and the ride itself was probably the most British theme park dark ride you will ever see…kinda like a shit Spider-man ride from IOA. Its still pretty good mind, and we came off surprisingly entertained.
And just like that, our weekend here was done and we began the tour back to the car and the long long long journey back home.
Had a great few days to be fair, look forward to being back. Alton Towers is great, still didn’t get round it in the 2 days we were there.
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