So here we are…it’s Christmas Eve again, where the hell did that come from?!!
The start of a fun filled (yay) festive week off as a family…yesterday I had a trial run as an elf to Jordan’s Santa Claws in my new Christmas tradition of playing dog bather extraordinaire for Ammanfords best (and only) groomer (of dogs I should add) to help halve her work load and get Jo a rare half day (this counts as a Christmas Present right??)…Today, we were spending the morning at our old Christmas tradition of the Pantomime at Cardiff New Theatre…Jac and the Beanstalk boiii…though I had heard there was no Gareth Thomas this year…shame, I don’t how the writers will possibly be able to fill the void left by a half naked old bloke with no acting prowess. It sounds like I’m being sarcastic I know, but I was genuinely gutted to hear this news, he’s been a staple for years.
So…my goodness, it’s a Christmas miracle, we were out of the house with plenty of time to spare despite Jordan’s best efforts to foil the plan, we were determined to be early, Grandma takes the panto very seriously, and we dare not cross her…sooo off and out by 8:15…marvellous!
Pretty quiet on the roads considering the time of year, and always great to see Jordan getting into the festive spirit…”I miss crimewatch”. Umm, what the hell sparked that Jo?…I guess she was looking for ideas for robbing people on Christmas? I know cost of living has gone up a bit Jo, but we haven’t quite hit that level yet. “Ahh, no I just saw a woman jogging and thought about the crimes that used to happen to jogging women on Christmas Eve…I miss the little stories”. Wow, umm ok, your little stories are someone’s real life trauma and a psychologists nightmare…but yeah, Merry Christmas, you miss your stories 😂
Ahhh bloody hell, we’re here like an hour and a half early. Trauma from years of being late and pelting it through Winter Wonderland in a Home Alone esque mad dash through the park…one year we lost Mikey for the duration of the panto and found some random child had taken his seat in the theatre instead…he’s never forgiven us and swears blind that it’s the reason he can neither watch Home Alone or go within 100ft of Winter Wonderland without having a violent PTSD flashback.
And finally the rest of the gang join us, only 11 this year, but that didn’t stop us all causing havoc over finding our seats…up in the gods again this year (it’s a better view anyways), and a great opportunity for Magaroo to get her steps in; apparently we are trying to kill Grandma off for Christmas.
“Pint Dean?”…at 10am? Ahhh yeah bugger it, it’s Christmas!! Get the pints in Mike. In a few moments I witnessed elation turn to despair as we were denied our festive beverage. It got weird when Mikey grabbed the server by the collar in a style similar to Arnie searching for a Turboman. “WHERES YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!??!!”. Chill Mike, it’s Christmas.
Finally to our seats and the usual havoc of who will sit next to who…9 adults and 2 kids, of course the kids wanted to be with their aunties and uncle rather than us…get your asses back here! It’s family Christmas time!
Christmas jumpers were in full swing…I’d secured us a load of new Disney Christmas Jumpers, but neglected to do the same for Grandma, so amongst all our Minnie’s, Mickeys and Flashing Stitch’s…Mags was rocking a lovely Tesco Value jumper…quality, fit in well with Paige’s Home Bargins and Mikeys Primark Jumpers…they were still a little better than the jumper worn by the woman we aptly named ‘Flashy tit woman’. How festive!!
And on with the show…good solid opener, not quite Gareth Alfie Thomas and his dancing tits, but a crass mash up of Scar and the Childcatcher from chitty chitty bang bang blasting out an ode to the Giant that for some reason had it out for a poor old cow; no not mags, the pantomime cow…daisy I assume.
It all went down hill from there, once you hit the dizzy heights of the Giants cloud land in the opening sequence, it always would be…we meet Jac, Jill, some bloke called Simon and the pantomime dame…Always the same…jokes are a replica year on year, but we love it that way…few innuendos splashed in for good measure, and the kids have no idea why they are laughing…to be fair Mikey often had a blank expression too.
Ooo here comes the famously short woman apparently…Lesley from birds of a feather…yeah she was little, but not sure that was really her claim to fame Jo…guess it must be from the same fact site you read about the famously small rooms at Art of Animation.
Damn this year was random as hell, next think we knew they were breaking into a a Dr Doolittle song, where several animals donned the stage like the Panto had been casting the dancers from a fetish club…Pigs and Sheep and Goats, oh my…yeah oh my god what the hell is going on?!…all good Mandy? “Yeah”…your face says different, it’s ok, we’re all feeling jaded by this random mish mash of songs, dancers and strange fetish play…not to kink shame or anything.
Half time hits and we get given 3D glasses…funnily I thought that we were already watching a performance in 3D, but I couldn’t wait to be proven wrong…Panto was about the get 4D this Christmas!!
Best pop to the toilet, getting old and a weak bladder an all…I wonder if I should ask everyone if they want an ice cream when I get back…WTF? Where’d you guys get Ice Cream from?. “Ah Anya did the Ice Cream round”. Great stuff, what did you get me?…fuck all that’s what!! Nice one Anya, kind of you to offer, glad I bought you fuck all for Christmas. Call it prophylactic Karma.
Grumpy and pining for my lost vanilla Ice Cream the show proceeds…time to don your glasses and enter the lair of the Giant!! The crowd were screaming in fear as the mid level 4D effects took place…every time something happened the crowd shit themself like 3D cinema hasn’t been a thing for the last 10 years or so…it was pretty decent mind and quite cutting edge for a seasonal event…they clearly blew the budget and it was clear they were not on a water meter with the amount of water everywhere…I may as well have stepped outside into the yellow weather warning rainfall; I may have ended up drier…at least I can use the kids for an umbrella outside.
We’re almost done for this year, and it’s birthday shoutout time…10, 11, 13 year olds and their families having a great time…”Mandy Collins who turns 60”…fuck I thought she was going to murder me and turn me into the latest victim of Jordan’s favourite festive crimewatch. I could feel her embarrassment and rage from 5 seats over as she feigned humility and quietly drew her thumb across her neck whilst staring at me dead in the face…best enjoy my last Christmas I guess. Wasn’t helped at all when Grandma threw her walking stick at Mandy exclaiming “there you are, you need that now”.
The usual end to the Panto and it was time to leave…not before a nice family picture though ey kids? Nah don’t think so, why wouldn’t you pull a face like I’d just told you Santa had died and then look in two different directions…Finally a decent shot, only 100 takes later…my god, Christmas at its finest.
Where’s the Babycham then? A hunt that had taken us across 3 Tesco stores and 2 Asda in 2 days…only to return with 3 prawn sandwiches, a pack of sausage rolls and some Kraken rum…I was happy, Jordan was not…the hunt for and form of Perry was turning out to be harder to find than turbo man…or I guess power rangers from back in the day. Who knew that a 4 pack of Babycham would be the hottest selling Christmas toy this year!
On the plus side, we had forgotten that Adda have a yearly ‘take as much Veg as you possibly can because we are closing for a whole day and are worried that the Veg will melt in a 24 hours period’ giveaway. Bit of a mouthful I agree, but we did come away with approximately 37 bags of Parsnips, Carrots, Sprouts and Broccoli…Hope you’re hungry guys, we’ll be eating this for the next month…or I guess the animals could share some.
Today is is busy day, quick turn around and 5 minutes chill time in the house before heading back out for the annual Christmas Eve meal with Deb, Chris, Adele, Keilyn and Logan…it’s hectic, but it’s fun. Pumphouse again this year where Deb once again duped us into turning up way too early by giving us the wrong time for Dinner. Should have learned from last year, but like idiots we are too trusting and ended up an hour too early…a trend we were apparently determined to follow today. Ah fuck it, let’s have a quick pre game drink…Pints all round…only half for Alaska though, she’s the designated driver…cheers little Loo!
Poor bloody kids were knackered, early morning excitement combined with mass trauma thrust upon them during the 4D panto. No time for sleep though, have a fuckton of flashing Antler headbands and elf hats!! Deb had arrived and with it the tone of the restaurant had been thrust into Santas grotto. Wouldn’t change it, it’s manic fun and Mags is like a maniac with a Christmas cracker…fuming when she doesn’t win and even called Grayson out for cheating using the two handed method.
“Chinsano and lemonade Jo?”…the hell is that Deb?! Just get her a Disarano and Coke mun. Is Chisano an actual thing? How did she mix up Coke and Lemonade? Had Deb had a few too many Chisanos herself? Who knows?…fuck it, it’s Christmas!!
“So let’s go around the table and tell us our first Christmas memories”…ah here we go, nice one Debs…Mags is about to break out the story of Jesus’ birth. Sit down Mags, we’ve heard it all before.
Quick spin past the really cool Christmas house on the way home…and it’s time to wind down for Santa to arrive…we hope.
Grayson has been sleeping for the best part of an hour already and been in and out of sleep during the meal…this should be fun.
The elves had dropped off the kids Christmas Eve boxes whilst we were out…shame crimewatch isn’t about anymore, I could use their help with the clear B and E our house had just endured. Some new PJ’s, Christmas Micky and Minnie Plush, new activity books and of course, Santas magic key!!
This key can get in anywhere, and for some reason we are leaving it outside the door for him? Yeah sure why not…break in and watch us sleep in exchange for presents…that’s cool I guess. It’s mad how the kids just go along and actively encourage this. But ya know…presents an all. Even left him 2 keys, one for the back incase the front didn’t work…cheers Grayson, don’t think our home insurance will be covering us for this.
Right, bed time soon…bloody hell it’s half 10 already, better get milk, cookies and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer…”Dad we’ve got to give him a proper Christmas plate or he’ll be tamping”…that he will Grayson, but a generic Christmas plate will do for now.
Kids get to bed…or not…as predicted, Grayson was now wide awake and so the military operation to settle the kids down for bed began…Sargent Margaret took command and off they all went to settle in bed and watch TV ready for Santa…he won’t come until your fast asleep remember guys!! Alaska was clearly fuming with Grayson’s reluctance to sleep and before long I am summoned to the bedroom and Alaska demands to go to her own room…smart move LooLoo, a hyped up Grayson would be doing my head in too.
A call over the radio…pppssshhht…”Magtastic to base…Grayson needs a wee”…fucking hell mun, I’ve already walked the length of the corridor several times this evening, and for some reason I have decided to build a mass of presents on Christmas Eve (clearly not learning from last year)…ok Mags on my way, and don’t call yourself Magtastic…it’s weird. Come on quick wee, *crash from living room*...Gray shits himself and goes into urine hyperdrive. I’ve not seen a person pee as fast as Grayson thinking that Santa was fucking round in the living room…in reality it was Jordan badly putting together one of their presents, but alls well that ends well…Gray soon rushed off to bed and was fast asleep.
Bikes?! Wtf were we thinking building bikes on Christmas Eve. It’s 2am and we are only just starting…they best appreciate this, we are dying and I’ve got loads to do yet. Fortunately we are now mechanic wizards and build them quicker than anticipated…Halfords got nothing on us!
Quick clean of the kitchen, stuff the turkey and chuck it in the oven and it’s bed by 3:30am…can’t wait to be woken in a few hours to see what Santa has brought us all. This is Karma from the hell I put my parents through at their age for sure…But I wouldn’t change it at all.
Merry Christmas all!!
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