Today was all about one thing and one thing only…we had made a plan, and after months of rearranging, the day was finally here. HYPERIA HERE WE COME!!! Yep, the UK’s new record breaker had yet to feel the elation of being graced with our presence, but today, that was all due to change…hopefully. Hyperia has already broken the record for fastest breakdown following opening (well, its an unofficial record I have adorned it with), and was closed only a few days after its grand opening (must have crumbled under the pressure of a few thousand hyped up influencers on press night and become got a little camera shy)…so who knows if we would actually ride it? We must try though.
Right, so on the road and the stress of fast pass planning has finally fallen into Jordan’s lap. I have spent the last few days stress planning the perfect Disney Vacay in September, complete with Bibbidi Bobbodi Boutique reservations (for me, but don’t tell Alaska), and Savi’s Workshop (again, for me…don’t tell Grayson). All that to say, I am all stress planned out now, so time to share the burden.
Fastpass you say? Money to burn this close to Florida isit?!!...Well, tell the truth; we felt guilt for dragging the kid to Thorpe Park, where there is a grand total of bugger all rides for them to enjoy (well besides the amazing 4D cinema…does sarcasm come over well in the written word?) ansd the Flying Fish…ooooo. Yeah, so we had also planned a park hop to Legoland after we had our fun; you know, because Legoland was bound to be an afternoon of hell this soon into the summer holidays sigh.
The stress of securing a fast pass was pushing Jordan into a bout of panic sweats and stress poo’s as we make several service stops on the way to Staines (how apt). 9.30 comes and goes, and my screen is refreshed faster than a brit chilling by the pool in Benidorm sipping a Lemon Fanta. Finally, £40 pissed away on two skip the line tickets so that the kids can have a nice day out and we can feel like royalty as we dance past all the peasants who have been queuing over an hour in the blazing sun. Yes it was boiling here, but it wasn’t the sun I could feel burning the back of my head, that was the glares of spite from all the regular queue patrons. Its not all sunshine and rainbows guys, I’ve paid way over the odds for this privilege and will be regretting the decision in about half hours time once all the excitement has worn off.
Mind you, it was almost cut short all the sooner as the fast pass line monitor must have seen the joy on my face and instantly thought ‘NOT TODAY!!’. Wait what? ‘ Yeah, you used this at 11:34’…yeah I know, that’s literally the time right now, you just scanned me in…bloody idiot. You ain’t spoiling this for me, maybe Jordan, but not me…Step aside bitch!!
All I can say is WOW!!! This ride is incredible, every element of it…inverted stalls, outer banks, whip warps, bingle bongs…yeah I literally have no idea of all the coaster lingo, but this was insane. So much airtime and only a lap bar…phenomenal!! I didn’t almost cry mun what are you talking about??!! Jordans go, she loved it just as much, and then we lament bringing the kids as we now have to leave and head to a park where the best ride is a shit version of Spiderman Webslingers, where you leave with more arm cramp that an overpaid hooker at an all male orgy…hmmm, maybe calm the analogies Dean.
Right, we skip good old Grayson nagging Alaska to pick a present that he wanted just so that he could have two presents…clever kids, but I’m sure you don’t want a pair of bright pink Hyperia wings…well I hope you don’t anyways. Who am I kidding, lets get matching sets Gray!! This was proceeded by the grand Hyperia freestyle cup fiasco of 2024…I have become accustomed to collecting freestyle cups for some unknown reason…it’s a compulsion, its Dad’s fault (bad genes), and Thorpe had special Hyperia cup…OOOOOO. Nah it don’t work in other merlin parks mate…fuck that then, fuck Hyperia and fuck Merlin (is what I wanted to say)…Oh, that’s a bit silly, no worries thanks bud (is what I actually said). I was raging mind, stupid bloody money grabbing Merlin…I just want a damned special cup!!
I digress, I dry my tears using my new Hyperia wings, write, re-write and delete several crossly worded emails to Merlin Attractions, and leave this god forsaken place. Time to make our way 20 minutes down the road to the Land of Lego…Legoland if you will; where everything is awesome, apart from the queues, the rides and the prices…hmm. Why do we come back? We bloody love it!!
Quick stop in good old Greggs to stock up on sausage rolls and pizza to avoid being fleeced almost a tenner for a hotdog before finally arriving for an afternoon of being cooked alive in the sun while we wait for less than spectacular rides. I actually don’t hate the rides here, I’m just ruined now that I know what a UK park is capable of. Its for the kids though, lets have some fun.
If you hadn’t guessed, today was hotter than the surface of the sun! I actually heard stories of people booking trips to the sun to cool down a bit. Madness I know, but the UK chucks us a day like this now and again to taunt us into thinking that given a bit of sun and some good ole British charm, Legoland Windsor is just as good as Walt Disney World. That’s it, cancel the holiday, we’re doing a fortnight in Blackpool…I’ll book the weather.
Right, first stop, Minifigure Speedway, and as luck would have it (well luck of fantastic racing on behalf of myself and Grayson), we actually won the fixed dualling coaster race…Yeah go Team All Stars!!! Legends, suck a dick! Honestly, this was the achievement of the day, and I had soon forgotten about Hyperia…all I won there was a bit of weight loss…from my bank account.
Following our turn on the winners podium, the obligatory lashings of the losing team, and Champagne Celebration, we catch back up with Jo and Alaska (who by the way have no idea that celebrities they were now rolling with),. Fuming that we had the audacity to let them wait for us, we make out way to ‘TinyWorld’. Wait what? Think its call ‘MiniLand’ Gray, but I do think you describe it better. Lego creative will be all over you if you carry on bud. Tiny World, as it says on the tin, great little tour around the globe, visiting all the wonders of the world in a few hundred yards…bucket list complete!!
Freestyle hunt next, time to get me a new cup!! Nah, same old shit, lets make our collection a treble. Legoland themed cups are very poor and cost more than other Merlin parks, clearly taking advantage of the summer holidays, a rare warm day, and hiking the cost up by a quid, discount down by 10%, and my anger levels up 100%. I’m hot, tired and thirsty though…just give me the damned cup, let me get my flavoured fanta and be on my way. These are great value to be fair, £16 for refills all day…compared to £2.70 for a bottle of pop, this was an absolute steal!!
Sweaty, exhausted and defeated I catch up with Jo and the kids in Ninjagoville, UK…let’s Ninjagooooo. Should say, they are proper pimping the Ninjago stuff here throught eh summer…new themed food, some new shows, and an incredible mask building workshop…no not an actual mask, a 2D mosaic that you could make at home, but why wouldn’t you pay £25 quid to do it at a rushed pace in Legoland?...I’ve booked me and Gray for a workshop in a few weeks, cant wait.
Right, on to the main attraction here…The Ninjago ride. This is amazing…ly bad. Honestly, it’s a fun concept, but it hardly every works, and I spend half the ride trying to work out sensor points in order to actual score points. That’s what I tell Jo and the kids anyways…saves my pride. I honestly thought I’d die in the line through old age mind. Legoland’s wait time calculator was lying more that Prince Andrew when he convinced the world he couldn’t sweat. An hour and a half later, we were finally off, Jordan had trounced us, Alaska had misread the rules and karate chopped some random bloke in the queue, and Grayson was convinced he could now through ice and manipulate fire…Pure wank.
Off to Pirate land to look at the crowds, use the toilets, think ‘fuck that’ to fighting through the crowds, and leaving. Skip the pirate show too, we have a few hours left and its all about The Haunted House Monster Party!! The kids bloody love this ride, and Grayson feels like Ronnie Pickering (I hope that reference has aged well) being able to ride with eyes open and actually enjoying it…not quite like The Curse at Alton Manor that traumatised him last week. Too tame for Alaska mind, not enough creepy dolls and fear. Pathetic!!
One more ride left…well, me and Jo were done, but the kids were nagging like fuck and it wasn’t worth a three hour journey home with my seat having the shit kicked out of it and being told I was a terrible father…Jordan should really be nicer to me ai.
Right then, lets give this Fire academy a go! Just a warning, if you’re thinking of doing this ride…DON’T! Especially not in 28 degree weather anyways. You can skip the gym for the week, this absolutely ruins you…well it does if you do it right anyways. Physched up beyond belief to be the saviour of Lego City, we are briefed that only we can put out the fires, and save the city from disaster. For added effect, they had rounded up a handful of stray kids that had wandered from their parents, locked then in a building and set it ablaze. Fucking hell, Legoland, I like immersion, but this may be taking it a little too far…stop smiling so much Alaska. The alarm goes, we leg it to the engine, pump like Mikey using her Swedish made penis enlarger pump (allocate yourself some points for the reference once more), and make it to the building. Legoland still in the dark ages makes the guests, ahem, newly trained recruits, manually pump water to put out the fire and save the children, whilst your kids badly aim as anything but the target in what I assume is an effort to kill their parents through heat exhaustion. Yes we could have stopped, but they we’d have looked weak. Alarm goes, city is saved, back to the engine. Pump, Pump, Pump, Dead!!
Almost killed us mun!! Only the death climb to the summit of Mt Lego left to traverse (if you know, you know). Wagon in tow, we finally make it…I collapse, get resuscitated, and carry on through the exit. Thankfully the gift shop queue was longer than the Ninjago line, which had broken the kids spirits, and so we opted for a trip to the car to start our way home. Only three hours, no air con, and a quartet of sweaty, smelly Fletchers…Joyous. We had a good day despite my rants, weather was great, we had fun, kids had fun, and a spent less than usual…Winning!!
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