Thank god I bought the aquatic package for the van…the 6.5 hour drive to Colchester would have been a bust without the submarine…some people get convertibles for the sun, but not us, we got it for the rain…judging from our journey, I think I chose correct. Jordan was chancing it in a grooming competition, so obviously roped me and the kids in for the ride. It’s cool though, we had our own plans…Colchester Zoo!!! Though we did quickly change our plans once I found out that Colchester Zoo had a fun run planned that would cause a mild inconvenience to my travel route…bugger it…Jimmys Farm and Wildlife Park!!! Wooo!!!
First though, to make it through the night! Colchester takes almost as long to get to as it does to Florida…or so it felt. So we were doing an overnight stay prior to our respective planned days. Foolishly, both of us had worked during the day which meant a late departure time, and even later arrival time…great, just what I want after a busy day in work. All we needed now was for the weather to be worse than what prompted Noah to start building the arc…ahh great, obviously the British weather obliged. Great stuff, time to channel my inner Captain Nemo.
Obvious, for any planned 4.5 hour journey, you can add an additional hour or two…call it Fletcher timing, with a quick stop for an evening KFC and a new rock for Grayson’s collection. Seriously kid?!! Full of fried chicken and fuelled by the stereotypical Starbucks, we ploughed onwards and came face to face with the Grim Reaper…staring death in the face quite literally as the surface water submerged the van and almost sent us all to Davy Jones’ locker…thank fuck I’m an amazing driver, and there was no one next to us.
Pulling our souls back into our body, we bust out the jet skis and carry on to our place of rest…just for the night thankfully. Jordan’s friend owned a Caravan not far from the competition venue and so we were staying on grounds at a holiday park for a few hours rest. Yeah it was a late one by the time we managed to get here, it was almost 1am and we were knackered and looking forward to a restful nights sleep. Apparently though the holiday park had other ideas…I know we’d travelled for a long time, but I had no idea how far we had gone. Apparently we had made it to Ibiza (or some more up to date party holiday the kids of today go to). The bloody main venue was pumping out the music so loud that the bass was shaking the caravan and setting off car alarms across the park well into the early hours and it was 2am by the time we managed to start falling asleep…honestly, I don’t know what they wanted from us, but with this level of psychological warfare I was ready to give it to them.
And just like that, it was morning, and we were awaken from one of the most uncomfortable non-sleepy nights sleeps I’d ever had…4 of us in a tiny bed…it was bloody boiling and I was half expecting one of the three bears to wake me up. Right let’s get out of here then, looking forward to getting rid of Jo for the day and heading to
Jimmys Farm…this place had been on our radar for ages and I had heard they have now have Polar Bears!!! SOLD!! I was really intrigued to see how the farmers handled the buggers…and see what a Polar Bear steak tasted like. They have a really nice farm shop apparently and supply their own meat…Meerkat Kebabs, Armadillo Burgers and Polar Bear Steaks…delicious!!
Drop Jo off at the village hall for her competition…strange Hot Fuzz vibes coming from here. Hey ho, enjoy the day Jo…for the greater good.
First stop for me and the kids, Starbucks…obviously. We’re a bit early and I need my coffee! Especially since I was spending my day with a hyped up bunch of nutters…at least some of us got enough sleep to recoup some energy…damn. Not far to go and we are here, yay!! Grayson shows his excitement with a quick nosedive off a bench and flat on his face…so that was a fun start to the day. Man up Gru!!! You got a full day out, don’t ruin it.
Strange layout here, but looks decent, massive spaces to walk and a great little uphill woodland walk to explore…the kids bloody insisted on making me walk up the almost vertical woodland (slight exaggeration) whilst pushing them in the red wagon…they bloody weigh a ton, and the tree roots make this layout akin to a tough mudder course, but at least I was working off my breakfast.
Kids…They have polar bears here mind, why the hell are you are more excited about Ducks and their island? Strange kids, but hey, at least they don’t discriminate.
Up through the Woodland walk to see what’s up here…where to Gray? Ahhh good choice, a pub! ‘Hair of the Hog’…if Harry Potter had been Suffolk based, this would have been the place for the wizarding world to get pissed up and Avada kadava muggles and mudbloods. Cool, great venue. Closed mind, guess that is reserved for a secret spell.
After walking around woodland for what felt like an eternity, we finally stumble upon some animals…couldn’t wait to see the bears…ahhh just some chickens. Damn! They were rare breed chickens apparently so that’s cool. Oh and the adorable Piglins…piglets Grayson, piglets.
Wait, what’s this? Hell yes, the Brown Bear habitat, some of my favourite animals!…I was so sure Grayson was bull shitting a sighting, but lo and behold… a Brown Bear!! Slowly ambling around the enclosure…being chased by the trio of terror (aka me and the kids). Such amazing animals and great to watch him chilling for a bit whilst we hid away from the rain…did I mention it was raining? It rained all bloody day.
5 mins into the rain and I was regretting todays venue choice…I’m sure Colchester Zoo had more warm indoor areas rather than a vast expanse of rain soaked forest, but I saved a fiver on tickets so…
Now we had to make our way back from the wilderness, but transcending downhill through the woodland in pissing down rain with the kids and the wagon felt like some Ninja Warrior-esque task...actually more like Takeshi’s Castle, especially when I was chased by a bunch of people shooting water pistols at me (yeah that may be an outdated reference).
Ahhh man this place has all my favourites…a Giant Anteater!!! Though it was too cold and wet for him today and he just eye balled us from the comfort of a warm enclosure…I feel you Gordon (I think that was his name), too bloody cold today.
Holy shit!! Capybara babies!! Like a million (or like 8-10) Capybara. Such amazing creatures, though even the babies look like giant rats. Can’t help but love them though and the kids were amazed and almost jumped in with them. Standard walk through the Meerkat, Rhea and Tapir (all of whom also didn’t fancy braving the weather), and then we took refuge in the Butterfly house…finally a little warmth!! A giant polytunnel of Butterflies, paired with Lemurs of all things…great for Lemur growth apparently. We did have a nice half hour or so sitting on a bench in the Butterfly house watching Grayson dodging Butterfly attacks like King Kong avoided the planes in the Empire State Building scene.
Moving through the monster verse we head to find Godzilla in the Reptile house, where some prick of a kid was doing his best to stop the kids seeing the Crocs. Kid, you don’t know this pair, if you know what’s good for you I’d move along. Fortunately his mother had heard rumour of Alaska's temper and quickly hurried off, begging Alaska’s forgiveness as she left…GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!
The thing I really like about this zoo is that we saw so many human/animal interactions through the day, and we got lucky to catch most of them…it was Crocodile feeding time, and great to see Crocodiles actually moving for once (rather than playing the guessing game ‘real croc/fake croc’)…now this was not quite Australia zoo style, but they did manage to tease the croc into embarrassment when he missed the chick on a stick…AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!! Baying for blood, the crowd eagerly watch’s a pair of Crocs tussle over a dead chick, and watch the mild ineptitude of a zookeepers failure to feed one while the other kept stealing it. Poor Croc, best you start Peter Panning your portion.
Buzzing from the adrenaline charge of a vicious Croc attack we make a quick stop to kick the shit out of pile of gravel (no idea why Grayson did this), and for Alaska to demand the cafe makes her a hotdog at once…she’s a growing girl mun! £13 mind…lucky I saved that fiver from not going to Colchester zoo.
Finally, the moment we were here for…Polar Bears and Arctic Wolves!!!. This enclosure was incredible, and amazing to see these animals so close. We even watched the near sacrifice of a small girl to the Bears. I was only slightly jealous of the family that were on a Polar Bear encounter and got to hand feed the Bears…so cool; and the pack of Arctic Wolves howling were amazing. Mind you, perhaps the most impressive thing was how they had managed to mimic the Tundra in the Suffolk countryside…it was bloody windy and so damn cold; made us feel right at home in the Tundra. No wonder the Arctic animals are thriving.
Mind you, perhaps the greatest sight of the day though was the Dry Robe wanker (wonder how well that reference will age) in their natural habitat…ahhh the fun of the zoo.
Getting tired now, the Caravan Park party into the early hours was taking its toll and combined with a mild case of hypothermia, I was ready to call it a day, grab a coffee and head back to the car. So a quick loop around to see the Macaques and another stop off for a warm in the Butterfly house, where Alaska abused someone for ‘sitting in her seat’…we don’t own the benches Loo, but I do appreciate you clearing me a seat.
Nice view of some Parkour Peacocks at the exit, and just as we are about to leave, Grayson spots we had missed an animal on the map…please don’t make me do it Gray.
Yep, we headed back to see the bloody Arctic Foxes!! How did we miss these? Only the small 25km detour across the Suffolk countryside and back through the woodlands that had tormented me at the start of the day to spot them, but at least the kids were riding in style…and I’d got my steps in for the day.
Exit through the gift shop as always…luckily Alaska was sleeping though (tired after a long day of demanding hotdogs and abusing zoo patrons I assume) and so that was one less kid to nag for some shitty zoo branded gifts. Unfortunately though Grayson did enough nagging for both of them and following some heavy bartering managed to provide them some snap bands…I felt like I won, but the £5 a piece novelty that will be lost this time tomorrow would say otherwise…bugger it.
Off to pick up Mammy and her gang then and start the journey from hell home…only 5.5 hours on the way back, I’d class that as a good journey. Oh, some great news though, Jordan managed to win 3rd and 2nd place in her respective classes, and Lacey, her apprentice also placed 3rd. Well done all…still can’t beat that backflip mind.
All in all, despite the awful weather, near death experience and mid morning rave, we all had a great time, and glad I took a chance at Jimmys Farm and Wildlife Park…I’d like to say I’ll be back again, but after that drive, I think it may be a short while before we do.
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