I could see this being a bad dayâŚI was already being furiously nagged to go the the âpirate play areaââŚyep, itâs back to Folly Farm to make some use of our annual pass. Well, Me, Gray, Alaska and Grandmagsta flash. Yep, Iâm chancing a day at Folly Farm with Mags again. Last time we ventured here, she brazenly ploughed me down with her mobility scooter in a fit of rage and bloodlust. Today was not to be a repeat, I made sure that as punishment, she would have to walk the distance of the park!! Yep, sheâs disarmed!! Pembrokeshire police can stand down, thereâll be no hit and run by Mags today. Digressing as usual, Jordan did not make the trip with us today, instead she sensibly opted to attend a Dog Show in which Elsa was to (spoiler alert) place better than she did in Crufts, and ironically, qualify for Crufts next year as a resultâŚoh the joys. Well done both.
Back to my day though, itâs where all the fun, anguish and sometimes magic happens.
We hit Folly midday following a morning of errands that only pissed Gray off by delaying our trip to the land of the pirate play areaâŚitâs literally all he cared about.
Do you think I could pass Mags off under the annual pass and save myself a few quid on her entrance fee? Well, I would have liked the opportunity to try. While Mr Honesty, Grayson was quick to point out that âJordans not with us today, thereâs only the 3 of usâ to the cashier. Damn you kid, if this is punishment for the delay in getting here, youâve more than got you own back. Tamping, raging, Paiging mun!!! To be fair though, Mags and Jo donât really look alike, even if you were partially blind so doubt I would have got away with it anywaysâŚthat and the fact that I am honest and would 100% not try to blag free entry for Mags đ
Absolutely fuming from the fleecing of ÂŁ24 for entry fee for a woman who was destined to take a walking tour of the benchâs of Folly Farm, we made our way to the ever fun Tropical trails, only to find that our favourite part, the sloth forest was closed. Great, I can see this ÂŁ24 entry fee being well worth the 4 hours weâre gonna be here today. Letâs hope more of the zoo is open; or at least the pirate play area!!!
Standard routine goes to the Fun Fair next, sorry kids, payday ainât for a few days, no cash today for rides Iâm afraidâŚhave to kick it old school and swing you both by your ankles while I spin in circlesâŚbefore all this health and safety bullshit.
Ah well, on to the play area then to watch the kids run riots and forget how to use their earsâŚthough it did give me the excuse to pretend I was supervising Alaska just to use the slides and climbing frames myselfâŚout of the way kids, I paid good money to be here and Iâm hitting these apparatus like a year 6 school canteen gym session.
Chasing the kids through the labyrinth of slides, ropes and platforms has worked up our appetite. Time for a quick stop at the cafe for some overpriced foodâŚnothing like paying ÂŁ30 for 3 sandwiches, a muffin and 4 drinks. Good thing I took out that loan before we arrivedâŚforesight!! Mind you, youâd swear Grayson wasnât allowed food in the house by the was he was eating like heâs never ate before. Ahhh Ham and Cheese Sandwiches, like crack to a 5 year old apparently.
Right, no time to waste, no time to digest, back to the play areaâŚffs kids, let me finish my coffee firstâŚumm nope!! Mags supervise the coffee, Iâm off to get stuck crawling up some platforms and get jammed in some slidesâŚumm I mean supervise Gray and Loo. Now, what I have figured out from today, and the many days we spend chasing the kids around hereâŚif you wanna take your kids somewhere where they ignore everything you sayâŚthis is the place. Honestly, Iâm sure they switch their ears on mute mode and have tunnel vision to just run, climb, slide, repeat. Itâs exhausting, and the one time I let them crack on on their ownâŚGrayson gets told off for climbing a slideâŚdamn kids, I canât catch a break.
I did have to laugh mind seeing Grayson superman launching his sister head first down the slide and watching her fly down the slide like a little badassâŚstraight back up she went, but back down a little more cautiouslyâŚsensible, learning by reflectionâŚgood job Alaska.
And it was all fun and games until she hurt herselfâŚaww little Loo, think weâve exhausted this part of the zoo, letâs move on.
Fresh from being ignoredâŚwe moved on to animals, but not before a trademark Alaska tantrumâŚnot the first of the day, and unfortunately not the lastâŚdamn sheâs inconsolable and only wanted to spend another day and half in the play areaâŚhow unreasonable am I to take her away from thatâŚbad dad!!
All the kicking off and screaming did have an advantage mindâŚwe managed a great closeup view of the Lions as they came to investigate what must have sounded like a distressed gazelle. Itâs just Alaskas tantrum sorry guys. No such luck Iâm afraid. Mind you, we did get to see them tucking into some mystery meat in their indoor area, getting a front row view to the huge male lion flinging around a dead leg. Bloody hell, this Lion was MASSIVE!! He paws were bigger than my head, and all I wanted to do was cuddle itâŚhmmm, best not go on Safari Dean.
Whereâs Grandma Gray?âŚâHaha we fed grandma to the lionsââŚumm cool, I thought Iâd recognised the heart tattoo with my name in the middle of it on that leg the Lion was flinging around (Iâm Grandmas favourite btw, which is why that joke makes sense incase you were struggling to connect the dots).
She didnât get fed to the lions btwâŚI know there was genuine concern, Grayson was embellishing the truth a littleâŚor in lay termsâŚlyingâŚthank god. Right, ainât seen the Squirrel Monkeys in a whileâŚwait, is thay monkey dead or sleeping? âHeâs dead dadââŚoh, ummmâŚâyeah Alaska likes to say itâs dead because she likes killing peopleâ. Best stay in her good side then, nah! Not like a short little ginger has ever been a serial killer.
Pop in to see the make believe Welsh WildcatsâŚthey must be, they were nowhere to be foundâŚwell, unless you believe Gray and the lies he was spouting about spotting a pawâŚa lie the Mags was quick to support. Honestly though, he could say he saw a bright purple dinosaur and she would swear blind that she spotted it too.
My disbelief sent Grayson into a frenzy where he promptly beat the shit out of me screaming âIâm not lying!!â Whilst Mags shouted words of encouragement like the Mickey to his RockyâŚâyour a Wrecking Machine Gray, knock him outâ. Give it a rest mags or Iâll Clubber Lang you!!
Quick visit to the the giraffe and penguins, and finally made it to the Pirate play area!!! Finally, the only reason we were hereâŚwell in Graysonâs eyes anyways. First stop was to hit the maze, in which I was expecting to see Jack Torrance chasing us with an axe, before making our way around the obstaclesâŚâDad I won!!â Won what? âThe race!ââŚyeah the race to be the biggest dickhead maybe!! Abject cockiness and wildcat lies get you nowhere Gray!!!
âIâm pink beard!!! Youâre white beard dadââŚshots fired, cheeky bitch Iâm only 36âŚthese kids are giving me an all round torrent of physical and emotional abuse today munâŚI miss Jo, they do it to her when sheâs around instead.
Hide and seek in the giant ship was next on the agenda, where I obviously ended up schooling them bothâŚdespite Grayson hiding directly above where me and Alaska were counting, which we could see through the very obvious inch think gaps in the flooringâŚclever kid đ. Mind you, Mags, she ended up as the champion though as we forgot she was with us and ended up losing her for almost an hourâŚcongrats Grams, hide and seek champ 2024!!
Iâve had enough, itâs almost home time and by now both kids were adamant that they were good todayâŚI disagreed off the back of the tantrums and physical assault from Grayson and Mags, Oh and a quick impromptu tantrum from Alaska because we needed to return home rather than go back to the play areaâŚhow dare I.
I did give in a little bit mind as a trip to Folly Farm is not complete without freshly cooked sugar donuts and chocolate dipping sauceâŚmmm. The kids enjoy these a little too much and it becomes painful to watch them absolutely cover themselves in a sugar and chocolate combo which Iâd be bullied into cleaning up. Great stuff!!
Quick exit stage right through the gift shopâŚsorry kids, Chessington on Monday, not buying any of this rubbish, and itâs time to wend our way home to await the return of Jo and Elsa. Fun day actually, had a great time and so did the kidsâŚand Mags.
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