Man this holiday has flown…we’ve only just got here and it’s time to fly home. Feels like yesterday we were eating lunch in Space and helping the Guardian’s defeat the Evil Emperor Zurg…wait that WAS yesterday!! You get what I mean though, time flies when you’re having fun, and I’ve had such an amazingly fun time with my little family. We’ve had tears, and tantrums along the way (mainly from Jordan), but it’s all been spliced neatly in between the many, many moments of joy, happiness and magic. The years of planning and stress, booking all our experiences and character meals; everything, all the money spent….all worth it. Just a shame all good things come to an end…and to be fair, I am absolutely shattered and need a holiday from my holiday. Disney isn’t a holiday, it’s a series of experiences designed to slowly kill you off I’m sure 😂…that ‘magic’, well it’s just basically Red Bull in the form of Pixie Dust…you don’t know how you carry on with 5 hours sleep in the baking hot Florida sun, but you do…over and over again until it’s time to go home…that’s your vacation; the 9 hour flight home. Mind you I say that before I have to spend 9 hours sitting next to a hyped up Alaska and her new pet Lucy…this is gonna be fun (or traumatising…let’s hope the former). Oh, and I’m sure work is also missing me, and I guess the animals too, so needs must and all that.
So, it’s departure day (boohoo and all that; I got all my tears out last night when I was packing and lost the scales, ultimately leaving me in stress sweats all night at the amount I’d have to pay at baggage drop off).
“Omg you need to see my poo…it’s so long”…good morning to you too Jordan, I’m really glad you’re so pleased, but where is the lady like woman I married. Guess we know where Alaska gets it from. I politely declined the invitation to Jordan’s new abstract art which she refused to flush until she took a picture for Grayson to see. Yep, she’s bloody disgusting, but Ladies and Gentlemen…that’s my darling wife. Picture acquired (Grayson loved it by the way; “OMG it’s like a snake!”…damn it mun), artwork flushed (the next occupants of room 5113 can thank me later), and the panic begins.
Fortunately we did all the packing last night…yeah, packing 6 popcorn buckets, 5 freestyle cups, and a millions bags of candy was my idea of a great last night…NAAAAHHHTTT. Between the kids alternating stuffing the popcorn buckets and their faces full of candy, and just generally being not very helpful (who’d have thought?; though they did help empty several cans of Mountain Dew…does that contain high sugar content or something?), last nights packing became more a Squid Game round than a fun family activity. Hey ho, we were eventually done though…thank God we brought an extra case; that’s good planning right there (I know we can’t control ourselves).
Time for some Tetris!! My favourite part (really?). Unfortunately I had lost my Tetris Champion crown back in 2005 after I left school to follow a career in History, but ever eager to get it back, I now practice on the families luggage. Man, the way I packed these, 2025 is gonna be my year!! So yeah, total lies aside (I was only ever the runner up), the car was finally packed up and ready, and following a final sweep of the room (wait, did we remember my wallet this time?), the hoodlums were ready to go. We pushed it close, but we made the check out deadline and were unfortunately off to the airport; and not a moment too soon, Milton had now been categorised as a class 5 hurricane and was heading straight to the mouse (apparently they have long overdue beef).
Seriously though, it was getting kind of worrying. State of Emergency warnings, evacuation orders, airport closures…we were lucky we were able to leave. I mean I love Florida, but something tells me I don’t want my family around when Milton comes through kicking the hell out of the state. It’s so bad that the Governor has even waived fees on the Toll roads so people can leave. You know it’s bad when Americans are willing to give something for free…
Right, Full to Full…that’s the agreement, and I ain’t having Alamo screwing me out of more than they should (I mean they’ll already likely sting me for that coin toll I spent 3 days paying off, and will try get me for todays free toll roads). Ooo, contactless fuel payment. Wait…Why have I been billed $175??!! I haven’t even had fuel yet. Oh yeah, apparently that’s a thing. I’ve been assured I’ll get it back in a day or two (we shall see), and I still had to pay $70 on top for the fuel I needed. Luckily I didn’t intend on feeding the family today…
Car drop off, robbed for $7 trolley rental, cases stacked higher than Kilimanjaro. Let’s roll!! I don’t mean literally mun, these cases have a mind of their own, next thing I knew they were flying off the trolley. Stress testing the popcorn buckets I guess…if they can survive that they can survive the British Airways packing crew…unlike our rain cover (a moment of silence please). It’s ok guys, you just watch as I struggle…I don’t think my family understand sarcasm; either that or they just don’t care (likely the latter with Alaska’s attitude this past week).
Early for once…the flight out must have scared us, but now for the anxious wait at luggage drop. The smell of fear drifts through the air as I break into a mild panic sweats and stress farts…how much would the cases be over, and how much would the airport rob me for now (my wallet was running on fumes following the gas station heist)?? Under weight??!! WHAT??!!! Grandma June must be looking down on me absolutely furious!! I should have bought more, I knew it (I dare not tell Dad I had room in my case for all the sweets and chocolate he ordered).
Security checkpoint next, and relatively painless…they only made be strip down to my mankini to pass go…where is my $200? Shoes, belt, hats trousers, shirt, boxers…all in the box please sir…oh, and your dignity, chuck that in too for good measure.
Actually the slickest security checks I’ve been through, check in to departures all in under half hour. Where to now then? Shops…where else?? Disney and Universal claim the last droplets of blood from us (they know how to get us tourists ai), and then it’s time for lunch. Shake shack, the place Grayson claims boasts the smallest burgers known to man (they are a grower…in the sense of flavour though). Burgers, Hotdogs, Fries and Cheese…oh yes, Alaska was in her element.
Suitably full we browse the most expensive airport shop in the world, boasting €7 for a 31g bag of sweets, and Alaska introduces the staff to Lucy. Mind your fingers ladies, she bites…Lucy does too. Then it was time to head to our departure gate. Poor Gray has become traumatised by our almost missed flight back in Gatwick and was willing us not to participate in the Great Florida Airport Run 2024. Poor thing is knackered from two weeks in the stroller, and doesn’t feel like stretching his legs. You should see the medal though…top class. That’s what everyone in these races wants right? I shiny medal and bragging rights??
A few Toilet Tantrums from Miss Independent determined to be the master of her own bladder and not be told she needs a pre flight wee, and it was finally time to board. You’d think this would be easy, everyone has a seat and all that jazz, but crowd control was as poor as rope drop in the Magic Kingdom, and a simple task became a free for all. Bloodied, beaten and victorious, we finally board the plane and take our seats. “It’s gonna be a rough flight guys, this storm is playing hell across the Atlantic”. Phwew, glad good old Cap’n BA gave us that bright bit of news, not that I’m scared of flying or anything. To be fair…the emergency alert everyone had prior to take off had me looking forward to the air…Damn, Florida is gonna be a scary place to be over the next few days :(. Oh well, nothing we can do now…give me all the beer and wine you can spare please crew and prepare for take off! By the way, turn your damn phones on flight mode!!
Barring an absolute battering from Alaska and her new found ability to unleash joyful fury upon her doting parents. The flight was half decent and pretty smooth…thank God. I mean, I was ragged around the cabin worse than Alaska’s Jesse doll was around Galaxy’s Edge (if you don’t get the reference please catch up) once or twice, Alaska had an absolute fit over vegetables daring to touch her noodles, oh and every time I tried to sleep I was awoken by an Alaska lacking situational awareness and screaming at the top of her lungs, but we finally arrived back in the UK (Grayson was amazing as usual, he’s great on flights, much better than me). Cold, wet, windy…ahh just like Florida.
Only the stress of luggage collections passport control and brief 4 hours journey home…what could go wrong? Right, where’s the nearest Starbucks? I have a feeling they’ll be sponsoring today.
Thanks for the memories Jo and Kids…I’m a very lucky man. Florida! I’ll see you in a February for Mardi Gras!!
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