Time to head back to Wonka Land and take the kids on a chocolate induced sugar rush whilst trying not to suffer the same fates of Augustus Gloop and Veruca Salt. Yep, we were off back to Cadbury World…home of the Freddo!
It’s Passholder day today, so we managed to snag some tickets earlier than expected (it’s like trying to book Glastonbury tickets the scarcity of a tour on a Sunday before June). Fortunately, Cadbury World, though good, just ain’t a full day, so we had a leisurely morning potter and a trip back home to Merthyr to drop Mags off. Yep, we donned our road warrior gear and braved the run back home to drop off Mad Mags to the Thunder dome.
Next stop, Birmingham…god help us. Not as much as a journey as usual; only a few hours in the car, but the kids were sure to make it feel just a little bit longer…I swear they had already had their pre-game sugar intake and were like a pair of coked up teens ready to hit an illegal rave…give us strength. To counteract, we decided a breakfast of carb loaded sausage rolls would help keep sugar levels down, you know, given the impending bathing in the chocolate river that was to come…unless they have taken that away as well…
Right chocolate knobs, we are here…CADBURY WORLD!! It’s been a year since we were last year, and Jordan’s first time here in ages (we subbed her for Mags last time). Crazy busy here already, a hectic as hell reception area, but pretty well controlled…well until we arrived. The Mini Eggs Parrot comes waltzing through the foyer to be greeted to a swift tackle from Alaska. She knows not to miss a photo op and loves cuddling the mascots. “We just need to get outside for the meet and pictures…” nah mate don’t bother, Alaska don’t care, this parrot ain’t going anywhere until she’s done! Come on guys, let the rainbow man do his job, let’s go outside. Poor bugger had to awkwardly walk about 29 yards with the kids hot in his trail determined to be first in line. Nice one kids…this attitude will fare well in Disney later this year.
Obvious we had to get more pressed coins… again! £1.20 for a penny pressed into the pattern of the parrot we just hassled? Hmm, let’s get three I guess. They know how to make their money back mun…it’s not complimentary chocolate, they screw you on the pennies mun.
Quick browse around the shop…in the hunt for more overpriced pennies or maybe we could find a 10 pence piece for £100…a bargain considering the markup. Nah, just a taste of the chocolate walls I guess then is it kids? I know I made the comparison, but it’s not really Willy Wonka’s factory, there are no Snozzberries, and the only thing you’ll be eating off these walls is bacteria…hmm. STOP LICKING THE DAMNED WALLS!!!
Dodging another fleecing of cuddly toys that we will never see again (we have at least 4 from last trip the kids nagged for and cannot locate amongst their toy trash land at home), we head to the outdoor area until our ‘tour’ time.
First stop is the 4D Chocolate Adventure!! A trip through the rip off Teletubby land that had now been inhabited by Cadbury Mascots. I remember this being a half decent fun little experience from last time, so was looking forward to seeing how Alaska enjoyed now given she is a bit older, and gauge Jordan’s reaction (as a spoiler…one really enjoyed, one really did not…guess who). Grayson was absolutely determined not to go on, knowing him he’d found some sort of Cadbury mascot horror skit on YouTube and was now bricking it at the thought of a flesh eating Freddo chasing him in 3D…just get your ass in here, I’m prepping you for HHN!! Gray must have slipped the staff a tenner he had smuggled away from his birthday to deny us entry, giving us hassle for not having a QR code and sending me back to the bloody entrance to get one…only to return without one and then be allowed in anyways. Fuck sake!! Getting my steps in and working off my chocolate though I suppose.
Right we’re in and ever the rebel, Alaska chucks her 3D glasses on the forehead despite being politely asked not to by the staff…there’s no point, she’ll do what she wants, and we dare not challenge her...she bites. “What are you doing here?!”…don’t take the piss Loo, the poor staff member is probably thinking the same thing and doesn’t need shit off a 3 year old…he probably already getting enough shit off his parents for his life choices.
Seated, and we get to ride Cadburys version of Minion mayhem with Captain Seduction Bunny and the Mini Egg shitting Parrot…I think they should rename the ride this and will be starting a petition. Pretty decent 4D cinema, hilarious to see Alaska vibrating all over the place and holding on for dear life as we are set upon through a traumatic tour of Cadbury Land, incited by a bunch of Coca Beans and a Giant Drum Playing Gorilla. We had fun though, and Gray and Alaska loved it!!! Jordan…not so much! She’s used to more extreme rides now, and unless they’re is an element of potential injury, she isn’t a fan…she’s a fan of the Smiler for a reason.
Ahhh great, time to get conned into some green screen photos. Of course I’ll buy them, we’re surfing a bloody bar of chocolate and riding the Crunchie Coaster…I mean, it would have been better if that coaster actually existed, but why not pretend, it’s almost as fun.
Quick piss about in the play area to burn off some calories and torment the other kids. Honestly, Gray and Alaska are a bit full on and I think other kids are a bit scared of them…me too guys, me too. Nice day too, sun was out and you know the old saying…’Suns out, guns out’…Grayson was running around with his top off and introducing the ladies to the gun show…put them away kid, they’re more like a pair of noisy crickets. To be fair, he was spurred on a bit by the echoes of Careless Whisper producing a weird play area ambiance. Odd choice.
Now fully clothed we head for a little gander about Bourneville experience…this was bit shit to be fair, but did bring a sense of nostalgia and had some cool memorabilia of Cadbury through the ages…and a bit of history, but we’re weren’t too into that.
Right…DO NOT EAT THE CHOCOLATE!!, as soon as I tell the kids, we literally watched some guy indulge. Fuck sake mate, this chocolate is recycled…it may very well be the last chocolate you ever eat! Yep it’s the chocolate doodle area, moved from the tour by the looks, and tucked away a bit, but hey, we’d stumbled upon it and Jordan was excited to show off her skills of explicit artwork and calligraphy…can’t wait to see this.
Alaska gave a strong effort, doodling a pile of cat shit…”Mammy look at my Reindeer”. Funny fucking Reindeer Loo…is that after it has been digested by a cat yeah?. Grayson to be fair is getting pretty solid in his artwork and began extending his skills from slime and felt pens into chocolate, producing a half decent self portrait…I mean, it’s looks bugger all like him, but is we are judging against Alaskas Cat shit Reindeer, then this was a work of art. Jordan meanwhile…making cocks, COCK-LATE if you will…nice one Jo, nice one.
On from the chocolate life drawing session, we head for a quick coffee and snacks before heading our tour time…we managed to catch up with the Bunny for a pic on the way, and make a quick complaint after she had almost killed us on the 4D adventure, but Alaska was just fuming that she wasn’t the frog. Unlucky Loo, you get what you get. £5.45 for a muffin? Bargain…said no one ever. Still don’t stop me buying one mind, £20 on a pair of muffins, two coffees and two Caprisuns…bloody hell, get a Freddo out here, I want to make a complaint!!
Speak of the devil (or Frog in this case) and like magic he appears and of course Alaska is the first to tackle him for some cuddles..she also tried to take a bite…ahhh that’s why she wanted to meet him. Sorry Frog. Almost tour time, and this tour can’t come quick enough…the bloody kids were causing havoc and staring at other kids in the cafe in an effort to gain some playground style respect and intimidation…think you win there kids, even we’re a little intimidated of you.
Finally, we enter the amazon, complete with a snazzy new Cadbury ‘handbag’ filled with Wispa Bars for Alaska. Always great to see the birth of chocolate, and learn how many chocolate beans would buy you a servant back in the day. Shame we deal in coins and notes nowadays, chocolate beans seems so much more fun. Oh yeah, and always great to see the old fashioned exchange between the Spaniards and Aztecs…chocolate for smallpox…fair trade.
Jo was genuinely interested in the insurrection demonstrated through interpretive dance and live action dioramas…and to be fair, they are done really well, and give a good account of the history of how chocolate made its was to the UK…quickly brushing over the decimation of a whole culture and populous…but we now get Cadburys chocolate, so all is well…I presume that’s the message they are sending out?
Soon enough, we were thrust through the continued journey of Cadbury and played the role of a cocoa bean, getting shaken within an inch of our lives and smashed through a processing machine to make sweet sweet chocolate. Great bit of fun, and actually quite interesting, even if I did now feel like a cannibal, having lived life briefly as a cocoa bean.
And then the tour completely changes from last time. Merlin magic at its finest, cutting out a lot of the experience, and thrusting as many people through as little rooms as possible in what I assume is an attempt to increase throughout. The whole upstairs was closed, and we were quickly hurries through the building to get a free cup of chocolate in a HHN style conga line.
We are walked past a brief chocolate moulding demonstration and onto the free choccie tasting…always worth the three hour drive for some free shit, and possibly one of the highlights of the day. A pot of chocolate with a choice of toppings…oh Cadbury, you know how to get on my good side. Though this was just to quash any complaints from the hour long ride wait where I had to endure Alaska dropping marshmallows and eating them off the floor, chocolate covered cuddles from Grayson and the absolute state on my darling wife being a chocolate covered mess…great stuff. I’m not with these guys…I’ll go single rider.
Grayson, Loo and the inability to queue…fucking nightmares. ‘Only 50 minutes from this point’…only?! The sight was taunting me, have you tried queuing with a sugar hyped pair of kids…and Jordan?! Alaska wandering with her Cadbury handbag and the pair of them painting me in chocolate…bellends. Almost there though, and the line went down quicker than anticipated…maybe 49 minutes or so.
Time for Chocolate quest!! Yay!! This was a shooting style ride that replaces the old Cocoa Bean dark ride they used to have and was part of Merlin’s upgrade to the place. ‘You may get wet’…calm down Freddo, it looks cool but I’m sure it’s not that exciting. This was a really cool ride to be fair, collecting ingredients to make chocolate…and even get rewarded with chocolate at the exit. I did expect to be rewarded with the 76 bars we actually made through our skilled ingredient collection mind…not the measly four we were granted. Poor form.
We leg it through the shop once again to avoid bulk buying 46 Freddo bars for £8.40 …something I actually regret now given the current economy and the inflation rate of Freddos. Felt like I had now missed the gold rush. Of course we got the ride pic despite the poor posing form of Jordan and Alaska, but at least me and Gray looked like we were enjoying ourselves.
…and that was us done…hmm. The tour was a LOT shorter than last time, and a lot of the cool advertisement stuff and fun interactive displays were now gone. Such as shame, we spend almost a full day here last year, and now it’s not really more than a 3 hour experience (dependant on the ride wait time and your kids enthusiasm for play areas). We did have a good time mind and managed to get home at a reasonable hour for once.
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