Right then kids…Grayson school, Alaska off to Laura’s; Mam and Dad have a day of doing absolutely bugger all planned! Alaska’s Spidey-Sense must have been tingling, and like the superhero she is, opted to miss out on a day with her friends in order to save her parents from a day of ‘boredom’. Thanks Alaska, what would we ever do without you?
That’s right, trademark tantrum…ACTIVATE!!! Grayson had had the audacity to walk out the front door before her, which clearly ruined her day and sent her spiraling. Don’t you know the havoc you have caused by trying to get to school on time Gray??!!
Childminder cancelled for the day, and filled with the promise of a day out with Daddy at Folly Farm, She-Hulk had now calmed down and was seeing sunshine and rainbows through her tears…until she heard that Jordan would also be joining us...ahh whats a little more rage ey?
Come on then, don’t utter a word of this to Grayson, he’ll be throwing broken hearts out the school windows if he knew we were planning a day out whilst he was burdened with an education…he still hasn’t forgiven me for buying Alaska a Happy Meal for lunch whilst her was at school slumming it with school dinners…poor thing (I can almost hear the worlds smallest violin playing for him).
First stop, Greggs…Carmarthen may be deprived of a lot of things like a decent football team or a well sized venue for shows and music, but at least we have a Drive Thru Greggs. Novelty is wasted on us mind, you can’t purchase unnecessary amounts of sausage rolls and cakes if you can’t see them…and you know that’s how we roll.
Supplied with West Wales’s sausage roll quota for 2024 (Alaska still refused to share), we finally arrive at Folly Farm for a day of clandestine adventure. Best hope Grayson avoids social media for a few days, we’d be rumbled.
First stop, coffee and cake…well Luxury Hot Choccie. Correct, inflated prices for machined Hot Chocolate…with squirty cream and a flake. Well worth it. Apparently delicious, but not sure if Jordan was using all the powers gained through her A Level Drama class just to make me feel like I hadn’t wasted £3.85. I appreciate the sentiment, but you didn’t convince me you were Abigail in ‘The Crucible’, and you aren’t convincing me now. Just so I don’t get in too much trouble, Jordan is a pretty decent actress, and was great in ‘The Crucible’…PHWEW.
You can tell its almost end of term…besides wayward parents and rogue holiday goers, this place was filled with school trips, albeit really badly managed school trips where the kids just appeared to be doing whatever the hell they wanted. I think I saw some kids plotting to steal a penguin and one fighting a Lion in a Gladiatorial style showdown…West Wales are a different breed ai.
Best avoid the Land Train today then, can’t think of anything worse that being stuck in the middle of rowdy primary schoolers on a sugar high, we’ll stick to a walking tour of the Zoo. Jolly Barn took the title of first stop, where Jordan would fight Alaska for the best spot to stroke the animals…childish bugger. We witnessed a Goat uprising, and Alaska trying to recruit the Barn Owl on display into an assassination attempt on the rat population of the Jolly Barn. That’s my Girl…I Bloody hate rats!!
Quick milking of the fake cow, only to find that water doesn’t churn into butter or cheese as easily as regular old cows milk (she was fuming), and a display of expressive art in the form of a chalk rectangle, and it was time to exit the Jolly Barn before the Goat uprising began, they started singing some Les Mis, and a blood bath ensued.
Better off in the Tropical Trails where Jordan blended in with the Sloths due to her newly acquired Narcolepsy (ahh the Lesser Five Toed Sloth), the Crocs finished the Rat Assassination (Rat-sassination if you will), and me and Alaska lay flat on the floor in a crowded room to see how we measured up against a Salt Water Crocodile. This may come as a surprise, we are not even close. Quick check in on Lungy, Grayson and Alaska’s favourite animal here…hes a Lungfish incase the name had boggled your minds, and off to make a dent in the mass of sausage rolls and hit the play area.
Bypassed the vintage funfair, thankfully…The Ghost Train shits me up even now, and I’m a brave little boy nowadays. I get designated the job to supervise Alaska on the Big Play area…gutted, honest. Nah bugger that, it gives me the opportunity to relive my youth and explore the three storey high play area, complete with slides…I hate it, honest.
Little humble brag, I beat Alaska in the slide race several times…its no big deal, but its always a proud moment when a father outraces his 3 year old daughter…you’ll get there Looloo. Back to Mammy for a pit stop and a drink before Alaska adopts her safari guide alter ego…Tour Guide Cheese. We are marched on a tour of the zoo, stopping at the Lions, Camels, Bongo, Meerkats and Tortoise before her legs gave way and transformed into Remy, narrating the rest of the tour from my shoulders, using a few handfuls of hair to guide us. Thanks Alaska, but it’s boiling and you are getting heavy, can you walk for a bit please?
The new area for the Patas Monkeys looks great…the thing we love about this place is that they don’t stagnate the enclosures, everything seems to be continually refreshed and altered for the benefit of the animals, and the new area was looking like it would be fantastic.
Whip round the Asian Adventure to see a Red Panda’s ass, a Mortal Kombat Pelican duel, invisible Dholes, and watch some Dusky Pademelons flexing their guns in a brazen display of intimidation, and it felt like it was time to move on.
We played Where’s Wally with the imaginary Wild Cats…the biggest ruse West Wales has ever seen…we are sure the enclosure is empty, and some sort of social experiment to see how long people will stare into nothing until their imagination convinces them that the rock they are seeing is a living, breathing animal…well that’s what Alaska told me anyways.
Waved goodbye to the Giraffes, avoided the gift shop fleecing (we’re at a farm…get it??) us of our hard earned moolah, and it was time to depart to pick up Grayson, and never utter a word of us having a nice day out with Alaska whilst he was in school…it’s the summer holidays in 2 days, he’ll be treated don’t you worry; though I’m sure he won’t see it that way…I’ve still got that McDonalds to buy him.
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