Today was a good day…sun was shining, bloody boiling hot, and we were spending the day at the park made famous by ‘The Inbetweeners’…here’s hoping my car is still in one piece at the end of the day. It’s Thorpe Park day…kidless again!! We enjoyed ourselves so much last week, we decided to leave the kids with Deb and Chris so we could have some coasteriffic fun…that’s a word right?. Note to self, must not get too used to it, I may end up enjoying spending time with Jordan again 🤔.
To be fair, Thorpe is mainly coasters, and the kids wouldn’t have a very good time anyways…which is what we told ourselves not to feel so bad about leaving them behind. They did have a great time at the Barry Island fairground though, not like we left them to sit and watch YouTube all day.
Yep, we love Thorpe Park. It’s a very small park (considering the miles we walked at Alton Towers last week, and that just about covered the gardens of the manor), but it packs a shit ton of stuff into it. We were a week too early mind, Hyperia is opening on Friday, and we’re not due back here for a few weeks to experience it…gutted. At least we could hope to catch a test run of the UK’s newest, tallest, and fastest coaster…to be fair, we’re best off avoiding for a few weeks, we heard they are expecting 6-8 hour queues, and I could think of much better ways to piss away 6-8 hours of my life…
We’re so damn tired, but haven’t been to Thorpe Park yet this year, and I need to get the new Annual Pass reprint…that was my rationale and I’m sticking to it. The 5am start didn’t help me feel any less tired mind, I spent over 3 hours doing my best not to fall asleep at the wheel…as much as I like an adrenaline rush, I’d rather stick coasters, they have slightly less jeopardy than arbitrarily traversing the lanes of the M4…coffee is your friend Dean…cheers Starbucks!!
Phwew, unscathed and full of caffeine, we arrive to the skyline of Thorpe Park, Hyperia towering over everything else…yep that’s damn impressive. Parked up, we head to the longest queue of the day, the entrance. Fuck knows how they manage to draw this out so much, but the security checks take bloody ages, and make the estimated 6-8 hour wait for Hyperia opening feel short. Ok, maybe an exaggeration…just. The in queue entertainment of Jordan abusing some kids for cheating the queue and catching up with their friends did help pass the time though. Think you’re going to have a fun time with your mates guys? Think again!! Here’s your warning, best avoid her for the day.
First stop, Hyperia lanyard!! Yep, another £15 down the drain for a souvenir reprint of Jordan’s gold pass this time. Against her wishes, but necessary for the collection. It looks greats to be fair, and despite the protests, Jordan wore her new pass around with a snobbish swag to her. Can’t fool me babe.
Finally we’re in!!! Insane to see Hyperia absolutely dwarfing Saw: The Ride (yep I’m hyped for this incase you hadn’t guessed) across the new skyline of Thorpe Park…poor Saw, looks similar to mine and Grayson’s Lego Creator Workshop design in comparison; and the random torture traps that accompany it will surely lead to its eventual demise.
Despite the delightful weather, we avoided the water rides like the plague…who the hell actually enjoys walking around fully clothed soaking wet? Saying that, some bloke later in the day had decided that clothing was optional on days like today. Same as always then…Carnage, Destruction and Aliens! A night in Merthyr?…nope, it’s The Swarm!! First ride of the day is the most important!! Or is that breakfasts as the first meal of the day? …Nah, this seems more appropriate. I’m sure I’ve said before, but this coaster is incredibly well themed. Don’t think there are many places that have a whole land themed specifically for one coaster, accompanied by its own song. Despite the ruin and devastation caused by the invasion, it still looked better than a normal day in Merthyr! And less alien looking creatures too…you Londoners don’t know how lucky you are.
We bloody love this winged coaster. It looks agonisingly slow, but packs a lot of punch and the slow inversions give a great intensity to it…riding at the back made it much more intense. Just wish it was a slight bit longer and it would be an amazing coaster.
Holy hell it’s boiling today almost Florida-esque, minus the intense humidity…I’ll take dry surface of the sun temperatures over humid any day…and a perfect excuse to pickup a new freestyle cup. Pissing away £12 a go for a refill cup for a few hours has become my new tradition, collecting them like Pokemon. Unlike that useless fucker Magikarp, they are actually quite useful mind and save us a pretty penny throughout the day…given that you need to take out a loan to for the alternatives…£4.25 for a regular cup of Fanta??!!
Churros…the breakfast of champions. Well they were today at least, cinnamonny, sugary goodness…the diet starts Monday.
Churros in hand, and boosting our sugar levels, we hit up Stealth to see if we could win ourselves an iPhone or some random blokes wallet as they fall from the skies below the summit…still feel surrogate embarrassment for the guy ok our last trip here that lost his keys, wallet, phone and pride…bad times. Back row gives you a hammering on the top hat, but we love it. The initial launch though…0-80 in 1.8 seconds, Jordan was not a fan and ended up with her classic clutching her tit in fear…because that’s a thing apparently.
Resting up her crippled nipple, Jordan sat out The Detonator whilst she applied sudocream to her freshly stealthed boob. Hate a drop tower, but only 10 minutes so I’ll have a go. Mind you, after hearing the constant drop tower related deaths that have been happening globally, I was skeptical, though I was made to feel safe watching the staff guess at the safety of the harnesses and continually check and re- check they were locking…best start praying Deany. Fucking lying wait time sign mind, 10 minutes turned to almost an hour… if there was ever a most not worth the wait ride award, I suspect this would win…significantly. Though it did give me a nice view of Thorpe capitalising on the hot weather by sending Tidal Wave around empty just to unleash a soaking on the unsuspecting public…who needs riders when you can just get soaked from the sidelines…not me that’s for sure, fuck that.
Straight from the wonders of Detonator, and into Sunset cinema. Cheap DIY ninja turtle glasses donned we watch the rambunctious load of shit that followed…in 4D!! Violently chucked around and splashed worse than tidal wave, I’d had a fuckfull after 2 minutes and was praying for a swift evacuation…absolute ton of shit. Thank god for our annual passes, and the ability to return whenever we like (following a 3 hour journey each way of course)…we wasted a total of an hour and a half on the shit show of the Cinema and The Detonator…lesson learned I guess…
Nemesis inferno to cheer us up, and front row flashbacks from The Inbetweeners…fortunately didn’t suffer the same fate and had a great ride at the front…the guy just before us though, not so much. Apparently the front row isn’t rotund person friendly…thank god we hadn’t had lunch yet. Btw, actually think I prefer Inferno to the OG…sacrilege I know.
Speaking of lunch, holy fuck, the Taco place is open, Tacos and Nachos please…cheaper with a drink apparently, and so we manage to cheat the £4.25 drinks con Thorpe Park has going…hoozah!!! Our sombrero fuelled bliss was destroyed by some pretentiously aggressive ordering from a plant based warrior…yes we get it, you’re Vegan and by default better than us, no need to aggressively broadcast it to the whole restaurant…I just want to eat my damn Tacos in peace.
On a protein high we meandered around the park and manage to catch Hyperia testing…looks insane and genuinely excited to return to ride this…which is bound to not fulfil expectations and leave me disappointed. Genuinely in disbelief that Thorpe Park didn’t at least let me and Jo on for a sneakly little ride of it before opening on Friday…my 143 TikTok followers would have loved the exclusive POV and will be devastated now.
Oh well, The Samurai will have to do…did I say Samurai? I meant ‘Hotpoint: The Washing Machine’ experience…shrunk down into your favourite piece of apparel, you experience a first hand view of the battering your clothes get…oooo exciting! Five minutes being chucked around the skyline in a windmill…bloody love it though; just not after Tacos! I was proper chucked in to Dad mode here mind, sitting in amongst a group of kids in the row, and even helping a kid into his seat…poor bugger. The constant reassurance that we were in fact not going to die that he required throughout was a little tiresome…he did lose his shit when I the harness came loose mind…or so he was told. He did say thanks so that’s all good. No worries kid, sorry for the trauma.
Saw: The Dwarf Coaster finished off our day… we may as well be one of jigsaws games with the absolute battering this ride gives you…headache from hell mun, but at least I left with all my limbs in tact.
Ice cream to finish off the day and left at a reasonable time…good thing, I’m bloody shattered; getting old now see. Great day out, great weather, great coasters…half decent company 😜
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