The closer it got, the more I feared the fear!! A seasoned scare event pro now (having not ran out of any horror houses for at least 10 years), we were set and ready for Fear Avon Valley Scream Parks new one off summer event: SUMMER FRIGHTS!!
Me, Jo and Paige had booked ourselves on for a night of terror a few months back…complete badasses that we were, but as the event crept closer, I slowly but surely came to the stark realisation that we were an uneven team, and so, I’d be left to fend for myself at the mercy of the scream park should they split us into pairs…Fuck!
Cue a few panicked messages to anyone willing to listen. Mikey: refused, Dad: refused (little bitch). Fuck Fuck Fuck!!! Paul had a backup though, Anya was now volunteered as tribute in a Hunger Games style ‘volunteer’ kinda way. Are you secretly hoping she doesn’t return or something Dad? Bugger it, desperate times and all…sign her up, it don’t matter that last time she made this event she left in fits of tears and consoled herself in the VIP tent, plying herself with all the sweets she could eat…I still think they are recovering from the economic battering they took from the all you can eat sweet buffet fiasco of 2019.
Mind at rest that I could safely outrun Anya should we have been lured into a façade of an event designed to lure unsuspecting victims into the pretence of a night of frivolities only to be faced with real life murder, work was made a lot easier. This was further compounded with my new found Instagram and tiktok fame thanks to a tag from the one and only Danny Robins (yes I thought when he messaged me it was a fake account, yes I played our interaction very nonchalant despite being a big fan). Long story short, turns out he was real, he asked to use one of our videos, there’s potential for new t shirts, he wants me to join him on his new Uncanny tour and get a matching red anorak (ok ok, the latter few points may or may not have been made up). We were genuinely mind blown though…
Right…Maccas meet up with Paige and the Human Shield…ummm I mean Anya. Chicken and Ice Cream and a boat load of cheese bites later and we were on the way…
Bit of context, we are getting used to scare events and haunted houses, but had no idea what to expect at this event. It was billed as a 40 minute linear event across 3 houses…one of which was in pitch black with a glowstick to guide you. Strange way to kick off a rave I guess, but what do I know?; Anya put the pills away!! Anyways, yep had no idea what was going to happen, I had been winding the scream squad up with my imagination running wild that we would be locked in these houses for the full 40 minutes like some tamed down version of McKamey Manor, and would be segregated, etc…hence we bit the bullet and had to invite Anya along. Fuck knows, lets get it done…stop crying Anya!!
Arrival into the deserted car park further enhanced our fear we had be duped into some twisted hostel style situation and would be set for a painful slaughter soon after arrival. We were just about to dump Anya out of the car and speed off for our lives before we turned the corner and were met by a car park full of people willingly sacrificing themselves like some messed up cult…thank god for that!!
Shit yourselves then didn’t you guys!! Come on lets get this done…SUMMER FRIGHTS!! We’re coming for you!!
Met by the queue to queue to get in with a big top bar, overpriced merch (I resisted…it was hard, but I resisted), and a pair of scare actors prowling the site, we lined up ready to meet our demise. Anya, shitting herself for real this time, possibly due to her lactose intolerance brought about by the multiple shareboxes she had consumed in a vagrant bout of stress eating swiftly headed for the porta potties, only to have her first real fear of the night set in…the lack of hand washing facilities!!
Like some form of pandemic zombie with a thirst for hand sanitiser she ambled around the site begging whoever would listed for them to wash her hands…’please, I need to be clean!! Won’t anyone help me?’. Yeah, um, we’re not with her…she just turned up and started talking to us…honest. Her final hoorah ended at the bar as she forked out £4.50 for a vodka shot to be used as makeshift sanitiser…’I will be cleansed…I must be clean!!!’. Crikey Anya, if this is something that worried you, I don’t know if you’re ready for this event. Right, Paige stop licking the Vodka lefties off her hands, its time!!
The New World Order welcomes us in and gives us a briefing…props to the scare actors here mind, they are well into it…if I had to look at our gormeless faces to present a 5 minute brief whilst we stared back at them and gave the odd sarcastic comment, I don’t think I would be able to keep it together. Its well done, I’ll give them that. Anyways, Theres bad shit to come, its dark…heres a glow stick…enjoy.
Fucking wicked like, Anya quickly shifts herself from the front…so much for operation human shield, and somehow I get volunteered to lead the line (where the hell is Chris when you need him?). Fuck sake…heres your glowstick Dean…thanks Paige.
First up, X4: blackout. The New World Order had forgot to pay their electricity bills amid the rising cost of living crisis brought about by Tory Britain, and had now invented a backup generator powered by screams and human flesh…we were ripe for the picking. This was a mental maze mind, where one of the scariest parts was the violation of several health and safety laws as we wandered around dark corridors straight into walls…sometimes only guided by the shining faces of the scare actors lit up by Nick the trusty glow stick…oh and the freaky clicks of the scare actors…bellends. To be fair, they did help now an again as their screams at us were met by a chorus of ‘where to hell do we go then?!’…over there isit? Cheers bud.
I was a cautious leader mind, slowly, silently creeping through the corridors, not too keen to walk flat out into a wall and injure myself…despite the protestations of Jordan demanding I do just that…come on then Billy big balls, you go at the front, you wander the darkness only to be met by the dark faced monsters lit up by the glow of Nick. Didn’t think so, and Paige, you grab my coat anymore you’ll be Magic Miking it off my back.
This was a great maze, only downside was the finale where the fog had now engulfed the room and made even the glowstick impossible to see…bugger it, channelling my inner Matt Murdock I chanced severe injury and legged it towards the light. Fortunately it was the way out, not death, and we exited house number 1. Bloody brilliant!!
Next up was The Core…fuck knows what to expect here…but if the last house was anything to go by, and the subsequent brief for this one, health and safety would soon take another kicking. We were proper into it now mind, the cast were psyching us up and I was ready to now become part of the resistance…FUCK THE NEW WORLD ORDER!!!. Calm down mun Dean, its make believe.
We are lined up to get a pair of waders…wait what?! Yep, it was a proper immersive experience…we were geared up, waders on and told to hurry and enter The Core…the fuck was going to happen here then? Why are my waders bloody soaking? Is this blood, urine or water?!! Who knows, just get on with it.
Well, it took us about 10 minutes before we could find out as Anya had decided that she didn’t want to play by the rules today and get size appropriate waders…Paige and Jordan armed with an Anya sized shoehorn manage to get her bottom half in (and maybe rip them a little in the process). Finally, she looked a little like she was cosplaying Dr Eggman, but were we ready…in you get, hell awaits.
This was mental, and now the waders made sense…we made our way through the house, partially submerged in water being chased by monsters through the catacombs with a finale that excited Paige…”Oooo you got me all wet”. Calm down Paige, you’re married!! Excellent Maze, haven’t seen anything like it before, well themed and a great idea…this event was incredible.
No matter how scary the houses were, nothing would compare to what we would soon witness…Anyas fight to free herself from her waders!! Wait? How the hell are you out of them already? Well to be fair they were only half on.
One more to go then: Vita nova…a staple of this event, and one we always enjoy. We are quickly lined up against the wall and screamed at…bloody NWO on a power trip mun!! Heres a tip, you want us to smile, then don’t shout at me!!!… I’m sensitive.
Right, lined up and picked off one by one, we are made to stare at the wall…thank god, I couldn't bare the sight to my right…Anya in floods of tears. This medication clearly isn’t working yet, think she needs to enter the treatment boss…only 8 stages to happiness apparently.
You! Man! get in there…”who me?”…you’re not a man!!…him!!. Cool head now Jo, she ain’t picking you, I have been selected for treatment…wait should I be pleased about that…“I’m not a man either”…get in there…FUCK!! Sorry Jo and Anya, see you on the other side…
Feeling a little like the aliens from Toy Story, I’m thrust through to the waiting area, where Paige meets me with glee…only for me to be quickly segregated and chucked into a cupboard in the dark…keep smiling Dean, its what they want! Fuck, my plan had failed, I thought they segregated you into pairs!! Nope, now alone I had to power on though…how the hell would Anya cope?
I had no bloody idea what was going on in here…Smoke, Strobes, Flashing lights…this was messing with my head…which to be fair was a plan well executed. No idea where I was going mind, and the mannequins I was shouting at asking for direction were doing bugger all to help my cause!!
Basically the next 10 minutes consisted of me wandering aimlessly through the house, being scared half to death by the actors who would appear out of nowhere, some very unhelpful mannequins, and being shoved down a tunnel before I finally met the respite of the outdoors…I survived…yay!!!
Paige and Jo quickly followed and thew wait to see the state of Anya began…
We waited, and waited, and waited as we became concerned that Anya had adopted the foetal position half way through the maze and had succumbed to the Vita Nova treatment, and was now destined to spend her life as a Vita Nova Mannequin…
Wait a minute…bursting through the exit. An Anya shaped hole in the wall now adorned the Vita Nova facility as she appeared, surprisingly tearless, clutching some random woman for dear life. Following a brief stint more abuse from the scare actors, we were allowed to leave the site and re-enter plain old Labour Britain.
We had a bloody brilliant time. This event was a 1 off (until Autumn anyways) as we are already looking forward to returning. The scare actors were great, the houses were immersive (and on par with HHN according to Jo), and the event was well planned and executed.
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