Ok, so you’d be forgiven for thinking that a 10 hour round trip to spend 6 hours somewhere would be a massive waste of a day…but we had a shit ton of fun today!! We were heading to Chessington World of Adventures!! Yep, it’s a reeeeallllllly long way from our house, but we’d been gifted Merlin Annual Passes by Debs for Christmas, and we were damned determined to get as much use out of them as possible. Plus, I haven’t been there in over 20 years, and was looking forward to seeing if the Vampire was still standing, how the place was coping following the demise of Professor Burp and the old Bubble works closure of 05’, and the loss of Beanoland…its been a really long time since I’ve been there.
The morning started as usual when we have somewhere to be, the standard routine of Grayson feigning uselessness, and Alaska following her mothers most wonderful trait of being the worst morning person in the world…Lazy little Loo. Funnily enough, breaking the stereotype, Jordan had promptly arisen from her slumber to ready herself for the imminent 5 hour drive to the World of Adventures. I had bigged the Vampire up beyond any realm of reality, and think she was overly excited…
Despite the numerous hurdles the kids threw in our way, we were prepared this morning and managed to leave as planned…thankfully; the traffic was shit, and the road full of people intent on stopping our fun filled day. Literally saw life flash before my eyes as a Pickup Truck ploughed straight across our lane and narrowly missed us in a Jeepers Creepers-esque fashion. The usual obscenities and hand signals were exchanged…mainly from the kids in a fit of road rage, and we merrily went on our way. The rest of the drive was a little less eventful, but did feel like a never ending onslaught of Motorways and Lane Closures.
FINALLY!! We arrived, only to join a queue of cars who had seemingly had the bright idea of visiting prior to the start of the English Easter Holidays…I thought we’d have been the only ones…damn. Bloody hell, these parking attendants are useless, directing traffic into dead ends, against the flow of traffic, and at one point, almost causing myself and Jordan to go all ‘Roadhouse’ on some dickhead that decided that a give way didn’t apply to him…bloody BMW drivers!!! Put the knife down Jo, it’s a family park.
Fresh from the excitement at the prospect of a car park iron circle style bare knuckle, we managed to find a space and head into the park. It’s the Easter Egg-stravaganza!! Good timing I guess, nice little easter egg trail set up where you hunt down the eggs in exchange for a chocolate egg presented by some strange bunny-human hybrids. Six eggs, Six letters, One Word…4 lazy Fletcher’s. We ain’t got time for that, guess the letters and lets be done with it!! Suffice to say, we didn’t end up with any chocolate eggs despite spinning our secret weapon…Alaska. Yeah they thought she was all custie, but clearly not enough to win over a chocolate eggs. Bloody Bunny Hybrids…Keep your damned eggs!!!
First proper stop on our day was to visit the zoo part of the park. I’m sure this wasn’t here before, well, 20 or so years ago, but it was pretty fun. Otters…nowhere to be seen, Penguin walkthrough…no walking through penguins was available. Good start!! Meandering on, we continue a journey I had made 5 hours previous though our own back garden…Raccoons, Marmosets, Coatimundi, Meerkats Porcupine…hmm. To be fair, we take things like this for granted, having such amazing animals living alongside us, but its still cool to see how other places keep them and get some inspiration.
They did have some pretty cool set ups here mind, the dik diks are always a favourite of ours, and a lot different from our pair of dicks…Grayson and Alaska. Yeah maybe a little harsh. The Wanyama Village was a nice addition since last here mind, with Jordan particularly excited about, and I’m not quite sure how to describe this…the pipes where you shout down one end and about 200ft on, you can hear the voice. Very well described Dean!! However, integral to the story of the day where Jordan utilised these to shout obscenities to unsuspecting children. Like ghost voices in the wind carrying F**ks and C**ts. They say every day is a school day, well this is todays lesson kids. Nice one Jo, supposed to be setting an example. Fortunately our kids were spared of this to protect their childlike innocence…they’d never use such language…ever.
Ah why not, lets try again to blag some free chocolate…go for it Loo, flutter your eye lashes and do some ribbon dancing!! Like watching the majesty of Frank the Tank from ‘Old Skool’, Alaska was working the ribbons and charming the staff…to no avail. Bugger it, I’ll just buy you some, its not worth this. I mean, we could have spent the energy finding the clues to the password that would allow us to lay claim to a chocolate egg, but who’s really got time for that? We need to ride some rides!!
Right then, enough of this, VAMPIRE it is!!! Lets get to the Wild Woods to ride this beast (one of the only ‘bigger’ rides Grayson was tall enough for). I had it all planned out, Grayson and I would go on Vampire, whilst Jordan and Alaska wandered around and waited…a plan quickly foiled by Jordans insistence on actually riding this too. Bugger!! Go on then, you two enjoy, we’ll parent swap (another bloody issues where I had to run like a mad man for a pass; pro tip, sort all this before arriving to save running around at marathon pace to secure one by the time one of your family make it to the railings for handover). So off they went, to ride the ride almost as old as me, where Grayson would inevitably shit himself at the dark tunnels and Vampire playing the organ in the queue…just like I used to. Poor bugger, handed down my anxieties like a shit Olympic torch; don’t worry bud, it gets better-ish. Anyways, it’s a 40 minute wait, so plenty of time for me and Alaska to have a little look around, and despite being warned not to ride any rides (especially not the Gruffalo) or even move from our spot, like the little badasses we are, we decided to do both. Noone tells us what to do!! In truth, I was too afraid to move, but Alaska gave a quick pep talk and I weighed up the wrath of Alaska compared to Grayson and think I chose correctly…she has the swagger of a mob boss and the demeanour of a princess. We’re in for some trouble with her for sure.
Right, Gruffalo River Adventure…I’ve been battered with the Gruffalo story over the last year or so and can’t bloody escape it. The kids are obsessed with it, and I can bloody recite it in my sleep…keep an eye out for my one man show coming early 2025!! Now this had replaced a family favourite of Professor Burps Bubble Works, something I was unnecessarily upset about considering the ride had closed in 2005, and it was a few years prior that I last came here…but still, the smell of lemonade and strobed water fountains still filled my memories. Alaska was losing her mind with excitement though, something I didn’t quite share, especially since the ride was run by a group of ‘children’. A ride for kids, ran by kids, fab! On we go through the River Adventure of Anguish to watch the story of how a mouse outsmarts every creature in the forest…Why they didn’t just off the little bugger in the first instance is beyond me…show a mouse to our foxes and it won’t have time to spout bullshit about a made-up creature. “The mouse is going to be scared”…that he will little Loo.
So the ride was ok, still some fun elements, and myself and Alaska had a great time stamping the shit out of our boat along with the Gruffalo. Lets take a wander then. Quick stop to get a souvenir freestyle cup…it felt almost like stealing with our 20% Annual Passholder discount and a measly £13…hmm, best get use out of this. And so the hunt for a machine begins. Unlike the easter egg hunt, there’s no map for this, and myself and Alaska spend the best part of half hour wandering around in search on a machine to dispense all manner of coke mixed with random flavours. We did meet the Easter Bunny along the way mind, which was fun…Bonnie the Bunny, catch you at the dance party later on.
Finally, they were off…how was it Jo? “A bit shit really”. Damn I’ve never wanted to slap her more, enough of those filthy words, this is a classic, come on Gray lets go appreciate it!! He was losing his bloody mind, acting like a seasoned coaster pro at the wonder that was the Vampire! Honestly its awesome to see he enjoys it so much, I love coasters, and cant wait until hes a few inches taller to ride some of the ‘Bigger’ coasters with me…for now though, this will do (hoping for 4 inches growth by September for Florida). These ride attendants were just as inept as the parking attendants today, which worked in our favour, being directed to a random shortcut through the Vampire queue without use of parent swap…we’ll use that a little later…yay. Anyways, glad I had Gray with me, the queue proper shit me up and I was ready to turn back if it weren’t for Gray’s words of encouragement and reassurance…”Its ok Dad, this is a good Vampire”…clearly some bullshit Jordan had fed him half hour prior, but it worked!! Don’t watch Supernatural, Dracula, or any Vampire movie kid, you’ll be sorely disappointed.
Anyways, solid coaster, me and Gray enjoyed a little more than Jordan did, and in his excitement he even forgot to nag for a present in the gift shop on the way out…thank god, even with discount these prices are shocking.
Time to catch up with mammy and Loo, who had a badass adventure of their own on the carousel…oooooo. Exploring further we suffered disappointment at the failure of Gray’s height to meet the Croc Drop standards, and the rage of Tomb Blaster being closed…glad we have an annual pass, we are riding a grand total of fuck all else today I guess.
Oh not, I’m mistaken, there is the kids log flume that both kids are tall enough for…what better ride to get on, on a cold day… surely you can’t get that wet though right?...bloody drenched, like, balls and butt drenched…I may as well have pissed myself mun, and Alaska offered no protection from the tidal wave of ice cold stagnant water. “My Weggings are soaking!!”…don’t really know what you expected mind, we watched the other willing sacrifices suffer similar fates and still chanced it so hey ho.
Time to dry off on the shit bouncing ride then I guess…croc drop in the background as a final insult to this shitty kids bouncer that gave me anxiety with Alaska insistent on having her hands in the air for the duration. It was fun I guess, and the kids loved it…still no drier though…I love nothing more that walking around like I’ve pissed myself for the rest of the day.
Land of the Tigers was awesome, the ride not working, but the Tiger was working the crowd, pacing back and forth on their platform admiring the delights of children running below…’if only I could break free for 2 minutes…’ The kids clearly though were more excited at finding an egg on the Easter trail…”watch me jump out of this egg”…mate there’s a Tiger literally behind you, priorities mun.
World of Jumanji next to see all the rides we couldn’t go on…great. Grayson was too small for them all, and Mandrill Mayhem was closed…damn, we were looking forward to that one too. Maybe next time. Surprising to see how many of the rides were closed mind, they’d just opened back up from the winter break, and already there were issues, this wasn’t boding well.
Right, its almost 3pm and we’re feeling a little hungry…Jordan was getting hangry and had already rage fought a parent for a ham sandwich, and Grayson had pulled out his panhandling sign to beg from scraps of passer by picnics. Ok, hint taken, lets look for somewhere…a task not easy with an indecisive family…didn’t help that the once place we all agreed to eat was closed mind, Vampire burger it is then. Not before Alaska bullied her way into an egg and spoon race taking place near by mind…sausage roll in one hand, spoon in the other “what’s the big deal, this is easy”. Don’t take the piss Alaska, the kid next to you just ploughed through a signpost trying to beat you…serves her right mind, she was cheating!!
Ok come on, starving mun…now, Vampire Burger…a spot that helped me decipher two things…1. Why vampires turned to blood as a means of sustenance, and 2. Where the Zufari Jeep Tyres go following use. Awful, rubbery burgers…I ate it like, but I didn’t enjoy. Grayson assured us it was the best burger he’d ever eaten and Jordan accompanied this with sound effects to which I was certain she was turning into a Vampire, a puff of smoke appeared, and the strobes began…but nope, only vomiting at the inedibility of it all…Thanks goodness for the discount we had, dinner and a show for £17 wasn’t bad I guess.
Right, get your shit together, we have a few hour left…Gruffalo as a family this time…Why is Alaska uncontrollably shaking? My god, are you ok? We were flat in a panic, had the burger pushed her over the edge? Nope she was bloody faking fear of the Gruffalo and trying to put the shits up Grayson…good one Loo, but he knows how it ends. Though Alaska did spend the ride with her hood up the whole time for fear of a splash from the dancing water.
Rest of the afternoon went pretty quickly…standard hunt for a collective magnet, standard tantrums from kids because we didn’t want to guy shit in exchange for excessive amounts of money, and an impromptu dance part with Bonnie the Bunny and the hybrids. Ice cream time ended in further rage by Jordan at the lack of chocolate sauce…just don’t have one then Jo…”Nope I want one!!”, and Alaska dropping half her Ice Cream on the floor…mmmm strawberry sauce, sprinkles and gravel…deeeeeelicious.
We had a wander through the Room on a Broom walkthrough…no idea what was going on, but Grayson and Jo were battering shit out of some light up plastic fireflies…it seemed a fun story, but Grayson was hammering through on a mission and I had no idea what was going on, ensuring Alaska didn’t gain anymore toppings for her ice cream.
Its getting late now, and the place is starting to close up…quick whip around the Trail of Kings to see some Gorilla, Lions, Red Foxes and Binturong, and cheeky final run out on the Vampire for me and Gray (using our parent swap pass mwhahahaha). Yep great stuff. Caught up with the rabble following a micro tantrum from Grayson at my ineptitude for making hoop shots and inability to win a giant Pokémon, and managed a last minute trip to the Sealife centre, where Grayson Karate Chopped a Cleaner Shrimp, whilst Jordan had a great time fingering one…I assume to calm it down following the savagery from Grayson.
And time was up…we concluded out day with doughnuts…obviously and began the 5 hour journey back home….oh what delights. Boss day, really enjoyed 😊
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