Right then up we get you bunch of lazy buggers…We’re off to the Castle!!!
Should have probably phrased that a little better, with the vigorous Disney planning I had been doing lately and the consequent build of excitement cascading the household for our Floriday (Florida-Holiday, I’m starting a trend, just go with it), I had Jo and the kids thinking they had time jumped 43 days, and were heading to the only Castle worth visiting…Cinderellas Castle!!
Sorry guys, Jo put your tiara away, Grayson take your ball gown off, Alaska…well, yeah you stay dressed like a princess; it’s good old substandard British Castles today. Warwick to be exact! Wait, don’t we live in Wales, where there are literal Castles on our doorstep? Why yes, yes we do, but this one is special; it comes as part of our Merlin Annual pass and is apparently a half decent day out. Now let me tell you a little fairy tale, quite apt for the day…
Once upon a time (the mid 90’s to be exact), there was a poor deprived little girl. Her parents worked so hard, but never had any time to take her places like the famed grandeur of Warwick Castle. This poor little girl had to make do with subpar Welsh Castles and watch her friends travel far and wide, across the great Severn Estuary and North toward the historic Castle of Warwick. Her friends would return with tales of their triumphant days out, with branded snap bands and pencil erasers to commemorate their fantastic day. Oh that poor girl longed to one day enter the Castle gates and feel the historic atmosphere that the once grand Castle possessed. Over the years her hopes and dreams began to faulter and fade as she watched her wicked parents take her nieces and nephews to the magical place she had long been denied. She had almost lost hope…
Until today….30 years later, that little girl finally got to fulfil her lifelong dream of visiting Warwick Castle. This Castle better bloody be good Jo, I know it’s been your dream and everything but I’m putting off a day of Lego filled torment for this. Yep Legoland was the original plan, but hearing this poor little sad story of little deprived Jordan broke my heart into more pieces than Grayson had once scattered across the Paultons Park gift shop. LETS DO THIS!!!
Right, car ride from hell…crazy kids, crazy temperatures, crazy car with bugger all air con, crazy amounts of anxiety. Not much else to say really, its bloody boiling today and I spent the almost 3 hours journey to’ing and fro’ing between anxiety and normality…no Grayson I don’t need to know that anxiety was a girl in Inside Out 2 and therefore it can’t manifest itself in me…
Finally arrived 2 hours later than planned due to a little detour to Asda to pick up some spare clothes for Pissy Pants Alaska. “Oh wow!! Its as wonderful as I imagined, just like I had dreamt of…all those days spent locked in my dungeon, this is all I ever wanted”. Chill the fuck out Jo mun, you’d swear your parents never took you anywhere, it’s a bloody Castle.
Incase you hadn’t guessed, I was not as enthusiastic to visit this place. There are not rides, not adrenaline rushes guaranteed, and no Lego (not that I like Legoland much either mind). I was prepping myself for a day of boredom, and almost calling my parents to thank them for not bringing me as a kid. Cool it now Dean, give it a chance. Ok Ok, let’s see whats happening here then.
It was a gorgeous day today, blazing hot sun made the Castle and the surrounding area look amazing and picturesque. This Zog character (no bloody idea) seems to play a pretty prominent role in this place, so first stop was to get on the Zog stamp quest and pogo across some giant ground buttons that made animatronic Dragons burp and fart…yeah I know right? WTF!!?? The kids loved it obviously…
Next up, a quick stop at Warwicks in built daycare center…The Gaol. “Ha look, what the hell is the GOAL?”…It’s the bloody jail Jordan, learn to spell in Ye Olde English. I guess if her parents had been nicer and taken her when she was younger then this would have been more obvious to her…alas, she remained uneducated. Right, Grayson, Alaska, down the death stairs, in the cages, see you at 5 o clock. Oh, are we not allowed to do that? FFS come on then kids, but be good or it’s the stocks for you!!
Quick fight up the stairs, and its on to The Kingmaker…the tale of how Richard Neville, the Earl of Warwick picked a side, became a turncoat, fucked his mate over and died during the War of the Roses…there is more to it, but that’s the basics…not need to google it, you can trust me, I have a History degree. Pretty decent walkthrough experience to be fair, breaks down the history Richard Neville, up until his death (spoiler) and takes you through some fun sets. You learn that part of the Castle you walk through was built in the 1200’s and therefore definitely haunted, and see some incredibly lifelike props…It really is where history comes alive!! Particularly for the poor fucker that was intently watching Jordan hiding behind a curtain thinking she was part of the scenery. Sorry mate, shes waited 30 years for this, let her enjoy it.
After being kicked out of the Kingmaker experience for being too much of a lifelike prop and scaring all the guests, we headed to Time Tower to experience yet more history of the Castle and confirm in my mind that this place was 100% haunted. There were talking pictures, and a creepy old lady following us around the tour that I swear was not there at the start…This was a good experience mind, and even the kids enjoyed; you know, minus the ghosts.
After calling the Ghostbusters we picked up our royal invitation to return at 2pm to enter the Princess Tower…no idea what was going to happen, but Alaska was psyched up more than a bunch of middle aged women wearing pink cowboy hats and ‘scrum and get me’ T-shirts on an international day. Lets see what 2pm brings.
In the meantime, we meander around the grounds, the kids scam a certificate and sticker for winning a battle they did not take part in, and we avoid the additional charge for Grayson to piss away £6 just to shoot a few arrows astray and maim some passers by. No Archery for you Grayson!!
In our quest to piss away time before making our way back to Princess Tower, we stumbled upon The Falconers Quest. I must be honest, this was a fantastic show. In the blazing midday heat, this Bird of Prey show was phenomenal. The story, the way the birds were trained, the way one of the larger handlers hurtled up and down the hill to put on a great show. Just brilliant. Some amazing birds, very well done and blew our minds. If you get chance, and your parents are kind enough to take you here, this is a show not to be missed.
T minus 30 minutes, and just about enough time for Grayson to have a tantrum that the Zog show would unfortunately not make the cut in todays schedule…honestly, who the hell is Zog, and why does Grayson give a fuck? Come on kid, at least you’re here, you’re poor mother never had the chance when she was your age.
Just enough time for a quick beer in the sunshine before we meet the princesses…or not, the slowest barmaid in the Warwick area was in charge of the bar, and opting to watch my kids enjoy themselves rather than get pissed up after one pint due to a combo of heat and lack of food, I exit the queue to join the rest of the gang. Beer, you will be found, never fear!!!
Right, this princess thing then…as we had some foresight and picked up a royal invitation, we were granted some top notch queue jumping privileges and moonwalked past the peasants. Not having experienced a moonwalk before due to the staffs unwillingness to break character as 14th century princesses, this was met with some delight. Grayson busted out some more dance moves that were again beyond those of the 14th century and began to ascend the princess tower to overwhelming applause (that’s the story and I’m sticking to it).
This experience was pretty cool to be fair, you start by making a wish on a plastic leaf and hanging it on a tree, chant some wishy shit and move on to the next room. This proceeds the danger climb on the classic castle spiral staircase, and had me frantically wasting my wish on hoping the descent would be a little easier. From there, a princess collected us and took us into the an escape room, where we had to rely on a group of kids to solve riddles and find keys to resurrect a stone head into a long lost princess. Audience participation was mandatory, and of course our kids were all too happy to oblige…whats in the box? Something valuable? Something Gemmy? (really Alaska?)…wait I’ve seen this movie. Thankfully, it was a bit more tasteful that Se7en, and the kids saved the day. Great little experience to be fair, kids loved it…so did poor little Jordan.
Right, last stop of the day, on to the War of the Roses…a jousting tournament, retelling the War of the Roses, and the formation of House Tudor. This arena looks quite small, so best get in line early I guess. Quick stop to pick up a beer and some medieval weaponry for the kids…of course there are literally no other gifts here. A Mace and an Axe…great choices kids, won’t regret that at all.
The queue starts to form about an hour before the show, but luckily the kids provide some light crowd warm up entertainment by beating the shit out of some kid that dared to try ‘play swords’ with them. Grayson maced him within an inch of his life, and Alaska finished the job with a swift plastic Axe to the face…sorry kids, childhood trauma, let that be a lesson.
Finally into the area, we chose red. House Lancaster. The show begins and we are hyped up into a blood thirsty rage, spitting hatred at the White Rose house of York and willing their quick deaths. Another fantastic show with more plot twists that an M Night Shyamalan movie. Its all good though, as an overview. York wins, Richard of Warwick fucks his mate over, Richard dies, Red Wins, Red claims Yorks Daughter, combines White and makes Pink…or something like that. There was fire, jousting and sword fights. It was brilliant!!! If you get a chance, watch it, but beware, I fear the whole tournament is a fix.
Annnnnd that was basically all for the day. To be fair, we were knackered by this point. Tired, sun burnt, and high on victory, we made our way for a quick stop off at Zogs Playground, and headed for the car. Jordan, still high on the fact that her dreams had finally came true had a beaming smile across her little face, and could now tell all her friends that she, after 30 years had finally visited Warwick Castle.
We had a great day, my mind has been changed, I had a lot of fun, but cant help but think that if it was pissing down with rain like it was yesterday, this place would be complete shitshow. See you in 30 years Warwick.
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