Ok so yeah, it’s Christmas Eve…where the hell did that come from? Time has just flown…and iiiiiitttttssss panto time…we bloody love a panto.
Cardiff New theatre panto for 10:30 this morning, so an early start for us all…got there in plenty of time luckily despite Grandmas best efforts to hold us up.
We booked for 18 people, yep you heard it…18!!! Already though the numbers had dwindled to 14 before we arrived…having had an absolute titful of the Griswolds…umm I mean Fletchers family visit to see Santa in the toy mine, Ben had pulled a sickie from work on Thursday as a dramatic precursor for surviving the panto trip…smooth move Benj, I should have followed suit. To be fair, I was watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation last night and there were some shocking similarities…
Anyways, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves this year, and off to our seats…up to the cheap seats this year…now I joke, but literally the floor was sticky, like they clean the bottom half of the theatre and then just leave the rest as self catering…umm don’t touch the floor gang, god knows what’s happened here…we commandeer our 18 seats and in with the show that boasted a host of talent including Gareth Thomas and H from Steps (if you weren’t sure who he was, they made sure to stuff as many Steps songs possible into the panto to remind you).
The curtains open and there they are, the stars of the show…the Seven Dwarves…blew my dads mind, how were these people walking…now before you question this…they weren’t actual dwarves, there were Seven people on there knees ambling around the stage with fake legs to make them look shorter…literally, Dad didn’t stop going on about it for the whole show…should have been called ‘Snow white and the Dwarves that blew Paul’s mind’…really though, the rest of us got the concept and we’re a little confused by why dad was so mystified…ahhh Christmas Magic.
On come Gareth ‘Alfie’ Thomas…love seeing him in panto, he’s so bad it’s funny and he embraces it…not so much of a fan of his continual striptease mind…yeah we get it, you look better naked than me…well better than mikey anyways…the rage in his eyes was real.
Along with the show, and half way through the most random panto Cardiff has out on in a while and now was the time that I found that the ‘H’ in Ian ‘H’ Watkins stood for Hagrid as he came flying across the audience on a motorbike…bloody hell mun, the carpet for Aladdin I understood, but what the hell was going on here?!
To top it off, the middle section concludes with a dance off…time to showcase our skills…this bloody panto was mental interactive and I spent most of the time out of my seat…I’m off to ask for a partial refund at the conclusion of non use of my seat…anyways, pantos and dancing go hand in hand and I had a brilliant time…time for a break though and some ice cream please Paulos.
Ok part 2…the usual ‘he’s behind you’…and Grayson is raging because he could see the ghosts feet…you got them kid…do better next year Cardiff, Grayson’s on to you.
What a strange take on Snow White…must have been designed for the woke generation with a little switcheroo on the old poison apple…bloody Prince Charming dives on the grenade and takes a bite..fuck knows why he didn’t just peg the apple into the Forrest, but whatevs, I guess the story wouldn’t work without some death right??!…oh and finally the Dwarves reappear…‘I’ve only seen the dwarves twice in the whole 2 hours’…ok Mags, we’ll write them a strongly worded email to remind them about the ghost feet and the lack of dwarves for next year.
Annnnd done…some more dancing and celebration at the royal wedding and that’s in until next year…think we’ll pull a sicking like Ben next time.
Anyways, Christmas Eve so lots to do…quick stop in Asda for a few last minute bits…no bloody crackers anywhere…how will we cope, I need my shit joke and party hat…it’s ok though, happy ending, Jordan found some princess crackers…will go great with my false nails and poodle combo…thanks.
‘Attention shoppers…the 30p veg at the front of the store is now FREE’…fuck yeah Asda, I love a free for all…cue a Jingle All the Way style fight for the best Parsnip…HE GOT TWWOOOOOO…I got a few more than that buddy…the Capy will be pleased.
Quick few hours rest before catching up with our traditional Christmas Eve meal with Deb, Chris and company, and time to bake some Gingerbread cookies…the kids had an awesome time making Santas cookies ready for him to arrive…they were very good and didn’t fight about mixing, rolling and curing the shapes at all…yeah I knew you wouldn’t believe it…they were better than usual mind, must have one eye on the big man arriving tonight.
Ok so festive gear on and on to our 6pm reservation…we’re early for once too, Deb will be chuffed…oh what? Our table is booked for 6:30…bloody hell Deb!!…in an effort to have us arrive on time (to be fair we are always late), Deb told us the wrong time and now we’re sat here like idiots, and the worst part is that Deb must be smug and hell that her plan has worked…fuming.
Finally seated, and Mags has had a fuckfull of the day already and grabs the nearest Gin bottle to take a swig, best of luck mags, it’s filled with lights and pure key for decoration…your not getting away from us that easy.
We’d preordered meals to make life easier, and Jordan couldn’t wait for here Salmon Entree…Deb had other ideas though and decided to go full Scrooge and ordered Jordan the child’s Festive Burger…that will teach you for turning up early…umm ok nice one Deb…at least mine was correct.
Cracker time, best get them in now, we don’t have any for tomorrow and Alaska is swapping out her shitty little spyglass for some measuring spoons, what else ey? To be fair she did use them to eat her cranberry sauce…very resourceful Looloo…Charades then guys? Poor effort by Adele, my turn…ok…music…2 words…and I’m shaking myself like made…ya know…jingle bells like…no one gets it, all manner of awful guesses…but no jingle bells…‘well how the hell would you act it out Jo’…’like this…’….oh yeah, every fucker got it then…fuck this game, I’m out.
Nice meal mind, glad Jordan enjoyed her Salmon…ooops….anyways, Mags take the hats, we need them for dinner tomorrow…come on guys let’s get home, lots of stuff to do before Santa gets here.
Before we leave though, Chris gives a nice little backhander…’Nice coat Dean, but you haven’t got a long one like mine…that’s only for people with a jaguar’…cheers bud, love you too.
Long journey home and I’m in full on festive mode blasting out my best renditions of Disney’s finest in an effort to keep the kids awake…success, well half success anyways…let’s go check if the elves have left you a Christmas Eve box kids…cue a hint around the house…holy shit, where have these badly constructed, poorly written boxes appeared from??!!…thanks jo, I put a lot of effort into that, and the kids like them anyways.
Stockings, Mickey ears, chocolate, books, reindeers food and Santas magic keys…oh and some new PJs…the kids went mental, they loved it…well until Alaska was fuming because stocking wouldn’t fit on head…yeah that’s for the door hunny.
Anyways, PJs on, pics by the tree and sprinkling the reindeers food…milk, cookies and carrots and the kids are off to bed…ahh the Magic of Christmas…I love having kids at Christmas so much…melts my heart.
Off to bed now kids, Santa…well Mammy and Daddy have got a busy night ahead…I got an 8ft castle to build and a turkeys ass to stuff.
Merry Christmas all..have a great one with your families.
Love from the Fletchers
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