Roll up roll up, the Circus is in town…kinda. It’s in Swansea for one night only, and we thought it would be a nice little Friday evening. Bit of a busman’s holiday mind as I live with enough clowns as it is…let’s see what this is about then…
Jo had managed to snag us some free tickets to the performance (she still had connections from her day as the bearded lady), though I did suspect she may have faked them when she feigned needing a wee not to have to redeem them…I’ll call your bluff Jo, and following some smooth talking (from them) we were in…I may have inadvertently now been contracted to the circus.
Determined not to be caught out and pay anything towards the place that had kindly comped us tickets, I had a plan to get us some snacks from on the way…however, the circus gods had other ideas, and due to running late (surprise surprise) I would now have to pay the Big Top prices…who’s the clown now Dean!!?? Turns out Jordan, she ended up paying...
Right, bit of warm up crowd entertainment from the kids whilst waiting to enter…the old classic dancing, farting on sticks and throwing them at the crowd. Like some sort of messed up rock gig, the crowd goes wild as they are struck by Grayson’s fart sticks…WOOOOO!!! ROCK AND ROLL!!! We didn’t have many complaints though, and some even asked for Grayson’s signature on the sticks they had caught…
Finally time to enter the Big Top, just a few flashbacks from Oddfellows Twisted Origins from HHN32… I’ve seen how this ends, and wasn’t thrilled about it. Though the Horror Nights like walkways didn’t really inspire much greater confidence that we would leave this place alive; it did help in prepping the kids for September, fearing the return of Ballet Dancing Minotaurs popping out and everything.
Off to our seats, and we are placed in the side of shame, where the poor people with the cheap seats are…I say cheap, I mean free. They clearly segregate the people who are freeloading bastards in an effort to embarrass them to upgrade to a more central location…it almost worked, but we’re a stubborn family and would rather not see than spend an extra fiver…we have a holiday to save for.
Filled with the scent of shame, we decided to fill the air with something a little more pleasant…Popcorn time! Here it comes, time to sink a crazy amount of money into the circus in the form of a small popcorn and 2 cans of pop… but none of that flashy shit, £15 for a light up love heart that wouldn’t last the night felt a little overpriced…just a little. I like pissing away money, but this was about £13 too much. Sorry kids, you’ll thank me in September when I’ll likely spend double the price for the same sort of thing…with a Disney logo.
“Two minutes until showtime”. Gray loses his mind and starts screaming and whooping more than a middle aged Mom at a Justin Bieber concert (he’s still relevant right?). Calm your tits kid, it’s almost time. Anticipation was in the air, the crowds were ramping up and anxiety of an appearance from Oddfellow clouded all sense of thought in my mind…
Gone are the good old days of animals in circus’…Elephants, Camels and even Horses; something about it being cruel…bloody activists (I can still remember Porthcawl town centre being filled with Elephants). So nowadays it’s up to humans to push the limits of health and safety to entertain an under appreciative crowd of onlookers (we did clap and cheer as much as we dared though).
So as the two minute countdown ends, the lights dim, the music kicks off and out of nowhere tightrope walkers appear above our heads…madness. Nothing like watching a trio, dependant on mainly one guy doing most of the hard work, and popping in with supplies and props, and the odd cycle across the high rope; which kind of reminded me of a Simpsons episode where Krusty had to loop the loop on a mini bike. Quality showmen mind, finished off with a triple walk and a descent with flair. They did have a crash mat ready incase of any mistakes mind…bloody wimps!
Psy the gangnam clown appears on the stage to torment the crowd with the usual dumbassery and a touch of stardust…couldn’t wait to see how he’d progressively piss off the crowd through tonight’s performance. The kids seemed to like him though even if I was filled with anxiety of being chosen to take centre stage and join in the antics…let’s see.
Next up appears a Juggler, slowly ramping up his batons to the grand finale…balls, rings, batons…FIRE!! . Class juggler mind, something I would love to learn and one of the very few skills I have tried and failed miserably to acquire over the years…ruined my chance to join the circus; and I didn’t fancy following my family tradition of being a clown (though Strongman was clearly an option I decided to follow a career in healthcare instead). He did drop one baton though, unlucky pal, can’t win them all…this did make it a little more concerning mind as a chant of ‘BRING ON THE FIRE’ erupts (admittedly only from me) and some fire fuelled batons don the stage and are flung around the circus tent…I wonder if the tent is fire resistant? Ahh who cares, not like he’s gonna drop one or anything! As I frantically case the place for fire exits, and subsequently realise there likely isn’t much more of a fire escape plan than ‘RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!’, he finishes the act in a blaze of glory. Ok yeah, back to something a little safer…stick to spinning hats, even if it did feel like a fight seminar building up his Kung Loa Mortal Kombat Fatality sequence.
Following on from fire flinging Oddjob appear a bunch of half naked ladies demonstrating the trick to Hula hooping is to wear less clothes…maybe that’s where’s I’m going wrong…Gray don’t get any ideas, I know you’ve been practicing! Half expected a marvel stage ensemble, this girl had more rings than Shang Chi.
Fucking hell mun, the Clown is back and looking for some good ole fashioned sexual harassment, praying on some poor bugger in the front row…unlucky bud, guess that’s why you pay the big bucks…to kiss a clowns ass in front of a half packed tent. Pucker up mate.
Fresh from the hell of watching a borderline family friendly sex show appears Sparkly Minge, The Sky Dancer…her official title I assume, swinging like Sia in her chandelier showing off her bite strength and demonstrating why all the men are afraid of her. Oh here we go, a bloody half naked dance party and skipping contest…loser gets to sub in for the clown for the rest of the show…bad times. Oh and there’s also the fire limbo forfeit…they like fire here, and so do the crowd to be fair…fire or knives, a sure way to get the crowd baying for blood!!
Guess who’s back? Back again? Psy is back, playing fuck (I hope you sang that like I did)…out he comes again, popcorn in hand to feed the crowds of circus revellers like a bunch of hungry Sea Lions. The kid desperately trying to catch one kernel in his mouth after having a handful pelted at him like a contestant on a shitter Takeshi’s Castle style game show creased us mind. Wish his parents would have just forked out a small fortune to buy him some of his own mun…poor fucker.
Skipping away, we see a Magician that would give both Grayson and Phil Dunphy a run for his money; making bikes appear and changing sex on stage…crazy stuff. His true skill appeared to be making women appear out of thin air…a skill that has apparently caused him to be drafted in to solve the staffing issues in the nhs. Great act, but the only real illusion this magician pulled of was to appear the star of the show and take all the glory while the girls do the work…bloody magicians!
Half way there, and Alaska provides half time entertainment in the form of a dance, centre stage…this is how you put on a show guys!!! Grayson had just about began to apply his clown makeup when the show kicks back in for the second half…maybe next time buddy…if only you hadn’t spent most of the time nagging for another drink.
What a way to kick off the second half! Could have literally spent the whole time watching the extreme gymnastics defy the laws of gravity and fly through the air to the sound of Rammstein. Perhaps the greatest feat they accomplished was seeming moving with ease and not being weighed down by their giant balls. Backflips from the top of the tent onto a glorified crashmat…fuck that! Incredible though, we were all in awe, well all except Grayson who had spent his afternoon in after school gymnastics and claimed that he had being doing the same thing on springboards just a few hours earlier. “WHERES MY APPLAUSE!!”….calm down Gray *claps slowly. Better?
Ahhhhh shhhhiiiit…Back comes the Clown to raise my anxiety, selecting some poor fuckers from the crowd. Fuck it, pick me, I’m ready…he selects a few people and I sigh in relief as my bravado disappears and I release Alaska from her role of ‘child sitting on lap to avoid selection’. You’ve served your purpose little Loo, you can go back to your own seat now. The clown does his usual skit and gives a little more sexual harassment to the poor guy he’s earlier traumatised…does the fact we all laughed make us complicit? The ‘volunteers’ were all great sports mind and we had a good laugh that the cheesy fun of the circus clown…gangnam style!
Gray had a titful by now, jealous of the Clown, and vastly unimpressed by the amazing gymnastics, and just wanted to go. To be fair, it was late and I think most of the crowd were feeling it too as the the next few acts had less and less enthusiasm from the crowd…poor buggers, the repeated tightropes and sky flying were great, but we were all weary. “That’s a lot of arse”…don’t play jealous please Jo, not sure what you expected from a bunch of half naked sky dancers, don’t forget, we did do the circus after dark…we’re past the 9pm watershed.
Right, send in the topless dancers…men unfortunately, we hadn’t quite hit that level. Shame, I had a pocket full of dollar bills and was ready to make it rain. Guess we’ll just settle for some extreme limbo instead…set anything on fire and the crowd go wild. Nothing quite like watching a potential live snuff film.
Speaking of danger…Hot Rod enters the arena…🎶DANGER!!!🎶. Enter the death bikes!! Fuuuuuck, this was some quality death defying shit right here. It had everything, heavy machinery, small spaces and potential for some serious injuries…the crowd went mental as some poor bugger (as it happens the skipping guy, clearly as another forfeit for failing his task) gets picked to stand in the globe whilst some guy belts around him at some extreme speeds. He was shitting himself, we were shitting ourselves…Alaska was beaming with joy at the potential for injury. Sadistic bitch! Unscathed, the guy quickly legs it out and to the psychotherapist ready to start preparing him for his next show. There’s now two bikes though, defying danger and giving the crowd a collective minor heart attack…insane, but incredible.
In the immortal words of Porky Pig…”That’s all folks”. Lights, smoke and blaring music erupts and the Finale kicks off…the performers dance, Alaska dances, Gray dances, Jo and I dance…we had a great time.
Great little evening to be fair, some amazing performers and incredible talents…wasn’t jealous at all. We are had a great time :)
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