We’re back baby!!! Over 3 weeks of radio silence and finally we are on another misadventure.
This time, braving the incoming yellow weather warning for wind, rain, ice, volcanic ash and whatever else the met office can warn us about, and heading across the boarder. Across to a dark, dark place where monsters reside…Bristol. Great, as if I wasn’t going to be stressing enough about the overhanging trees and 40ft conifers that line our back garden in this shitty weather. Hey ho, out of sight, out of mind…let’s hope for the best.
Oh, and well, I say monsters (giving poor Bristolians a bad name)…the monster population had increased exponentially by at least 1 since Anya decided to spread her wings and finally depart the breast of Saran and become a Midwifery student…I know I know, none of us thought we would ever see the day….Bristolians beware; Anya the Vagina Destroyer is about (a name she’d picked up through various nights out in Merthyr apparently…no idea why).
Let’s move on…its Alaska’s birthday weekend, and we are visiting The Wild Place/The Bristol Zoo Project…whatever they are calling it these days. The Ex sister Zoo had a glow up and has began taking center stage as the prime animal facility in Bristol…woooo.
Having spent a Friday at an adhoc party buffet for Alaska’s actual birthday; a party where Mags was on a mad one dancing half naked on Deb and Chris’ coffee table whilst Grayson blasted out ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ on the old Karaoke and Chris chucked fistfuls of dollar bills at Mags to spur her on…Jordan had opted to sit out todays adventure in place of spending it with her favourite daughter…Elsa. Ahhh bugger you, we’ve got cripples, monsters and Dad to hang with instead…step up the OG Fletchers!!
We’re early…what? How the hell did that happen??!! Guess a quick stop off at Cribbs Causeway for a bit of a 10 minute browse of half opened shops is in order. A bit of razzle dazzle from my pair of crazy children intent on getting stuck in the revolving doors of John Lewis (some say they are still revolving in the vacuum of John Lewis), and Alaska demanding she be the only person to descend the mall stairway. Yep, only 10 minutes, but 10 minutes of havoc and hell…why did I bother mun??!!
On command of Anya, demanding we arrive at the zoo post haste or face the firing squad for our delay, we make a move across the road to the zoo.
Cold, wet and windy…bloody hell what have we let ourselves in for…and why have Mags, and Mam come in fleece jackets…and why is Anya only wearing a hoody?? Great, guess we’ll soon be spending an afternoon in Bristol Royal Infirmary with the trio suffering a not so mild case of hypothermia. Don’t fear guys, I’ve been binging real survival story podcasts lately…I know all the tricks to survive this.
The entrance was littered with families already fleeing, accompanied by children in fits of tears at the thought of staying the day in the dismal weather. A sea of tears added to the already heavy rainfall as Alaska looked in disgust…”absolutely pathetic, look at those little babies cry…I bet they piss their nappies too”. Brutal, but true that Little Loo. In retrospect, this should have been our omen to turn back and head for the warmth of Cribbs Causeway for the day…this was a sign of things to come. Yep you guessed it, at some point Anya would surely mirror this and succumb; nappy pissing and everything.
Right, hands are colder than an Arctic Explorer, and I’ve began to develop frostbite (damn Dean, you are not submitting this story to the damned podcast)…first stop of the day…Coffee (only my 3rd one today; it’s only 11am). Cafe is built for a solid 10 people maximum, and has bugger all heating or seating…cakes looked delicious though. Machiattos, lattes, juice and tantrums…ahh I did wonder when these would start…bloody calm down Anya!!
Arguing over an elastic band…why the hell not init, not like they’ve had (and I’m not exaggerating) about a million toys for Christmas and Alaska’s birthday…but yeah, give me that band or give me death!! Calm it you bunch of hoodlums, we’re here for a half decent day out…well between fighting for our lives in the monsoon.
Finally recognising her inability to walk upright for more than 6ft at a time, Mags had decided to play invalid for the day, and brought along a wheelchair. Good for my fitness levels; pushing Mags in one hand whilst juggling an umbrella in the other…and the flashing lights and boy racer style spoiler she had pimped it up with just made it an even more appealing investment. Bloody hell this is hard work…hold the umbrella Mags…no, don’t do that…it’s not a bloody jousting pole (yes I couldn’t think of the word ‘lance’), stop bloody skewering everyone; these kids have been through enough…they are already in turmoil at the horrible weather. “Fuck them, they can add this to their winging too”…nice one Mags.
Delirium hits early…and sounds of ‘We’re going on a bear hunt’ resonate around the perimeter of Bear Woods as Mags and Mam begin the principle stages of hypothermia (I know this on account of my recent podcast knowledge). Bloody hell, if the Bears had decided to temporarily break torpor, they’d soon be diving back for the safety of their beds. What have I done wrong? What crime did I commit? Is this my community service? Helping some residents of a care home around the zoo…nope, unfortunately Dean, no such luck, you’re stuck with this group of crazies on day release. To be fair, I probably fit in well…
High spirits quickly turn to dismay at the signs telling of Bears Woods being a 45 minute experience. The hell are you guys worried about, you’re both in wheelchairs, I’m the poor bugger that has to push you the distance! Hey, as Hercules says though…’I will go the distance’. Strong similarities me and old Herc…incredible physiques and angelic singing voice; well the Disney version anyways…I hear the real version was less ‘Singy Singy’ and more ‘Murdery Murdery’.
Right, what the hell am I on about??!! Back to the day. Bear woods is a great sky walk through time on viewing platforms to see some incredible vast enclosures of Lynx, Wolverine (not the X Man), Wolves and Bears. Great to see that none of them decided to make an appearance today though…well besides the wolf pack, which was awesome…even if Mam did refuse to look them because she’d ’seen one before’. Yes Saran, I’ve seen lots of animals before, doesn’t mean I walk around zoos with my eyes closed as to not collect too many repeat sightings. One and done…who needs to see an animal twice ey? “4 legs, 2 eyes, teeth and all that jazz…a wolf is a wolf…bugger them”. Chill out Mam, go back to singing your song, you’ll be back at the asylum soon enough.
Crash…I turn my back for 2 seconds and Alaska hijacks Mags and makes a break for the Bear enclosure…using Mags as a makeshift battering ram and almost smashing the fence down. Fortunately the cold had cut off any sensation to Mags extremities so the complete mangling of her legs in the fence meant she was unfazed and ensured she continued her verse of ‘We’re going in a Bear hunt’. This family really are crazy…it’s no joke mun.
Bear-ly Escaping Bear Woods (get it? Come on that’s hilarious)…we headed to the Basecamp explorer play area where Grayson inadvertently (so he says) made a kid cry on the merry go round, and I had some woman thinking I was stealing her child…yeah that’s the last time I help a crying child that fell down the stairs up off the floor. Time to move on before Anya gets accused of imitating a child to lure them…no, she really is that childish…get off the damned slide mun Anya!!!
Pizza stop…finally a bit of respite from the rain…well barely. We have shelter, but it’s still bloody freezing. The one downfall this place has is a lack of heated sheltered areas…even the restaurants are outdoor. 4 pizzas, 2 cheesy chips please…”better add another skin on fries Dean”…I don’t think so Dad…greedy bugger. Fresh pizzas mean a long wait in the cold…most of us turn to a warm drink, Alaska turns to a pot of mayonnaise…my god, poor thing has the Fletcher gene well and truly imbedded in her…Anya, stop eating the other pot of Mayo!! Delicious pizza mind, probably could have done with the additional chips too…Paul may have been right.
Ok so time to go home then yeah? I’m soaked through and I think Grandma is a downpour away from death. Mam has gained about a stone in weight at the water soaked into her coat (and almost gained her wings), and Anya has literally turned blue…We just wanna go home, but Grayson won’t let us; today is not fun. On the plus side though, I may be in line for an earlier than expected inheritance if Mags and Mam do succumb…got to look at the positives in it all I guess.
Animal count : 4 wolves, 2 magpies and a rubbish stealing squirrel. Good day so far…only been here 3 hours.
Mags once again hits delirium, wind surfing the wheelchair through use of the umbrella, joining Mam in an ad hoc giggle fest…they may be seriously unwell. We persevere though and push through while Grayson watches in amazement as the Gelada Babboon has a celebratory wank. I’m not kidding…Grayson was laughing his tits off, and made us all go to see it; it was not as amazing as Grayson made out…
On to the walled gardens then…let’s get this over with…Mags once again joins Mam in a delirium induced laughing fit as they manage to somehow destroy Mags carriage for the day. Contemplating ditching them both and doing a runner, I somehow gain the composure to stick around before heading across to see some Meerkats enjoying a taste of good old British weather and watch Grayson display his sniper like eyesight and spot a Red Panda resting in a tree.
Quick warm up in the Giraffe house…why did we leave this so late in the day? Mags and Mam finally regain some level of post hypothermia sanity and Anya turns a more familiar shade of deep purple. Paul and Mags decided now is the time to strike…time to taunt the Giraffes and their sub 20ft stature…”look at him, the bloody short arse…you’re not very tall”…ooo sticks and stones Dad, you tell them…think I saw a single tear trickle down one of the Giraffes face as the keepers had to comfort and reassure them that they were average height for their sub species…’ignore the nasty man…he’s not even 6 ft tall’.
Escorted from the Giraffe enclosure due to bullying (the poor Giraffe is now on suicide watch), we head to the Lemur walkthrough to finish the day…we park Mags up in the buggy parking zone (apparently no wheeled traffic is allowed in this area). Wait there Mags, don’t worry about the rain…I’ll be back in 10 minutes or so. Mags waits patiently whilst we explore the deserted Lemur walkthrough (guess the Lemurs find cold, wet weather unappealing or something). Yep, no Lemurs out today, sorry Mags, you’ve suffered for nothing…we did manage to spot a few Ring Tails in their indoor areas though…I was so jealous…they had a radiator and everything, all I had was a woolly hat and coat. I did have other stuff on too…
Grayson, fulfilled with his day finally allowed us to leave. We make our way to the exit whilst several zoo volunteers take pity on Mags, soaked and exposed to the elements whilst Grayson uses the umbrella I had given her as a stripper pole. Give that to Grandma Grayson!! “Oh it’s ok, he’s having fun”. Mags, he’s practicing for his future career by the looks, but at this moment, I think you need the umbrella a little more.
We finally get the umbrella from ‘Crystal Lake’ (Grays stripper name he is making us refer to him as), and finally get out the exit, avoid the gift shop and make it back to the warmth of the cars. Soaked, cold, covered in mud, we all had a good time regardless. Just hope Mam, Mags and Anya manage to avoid any long term health conditions as a result.
Commentaires