We’re back baby!!! Yep, after a brief weekend off, we are back at it!! Today’s venue: Thorpe Park. Today’s event: Fright Nights!!
Hells to the yes!!! The closest thing to HHN the UK has to offer, and the last day of the season…should be quiet right? RIGHT??!!
WRONG!!! Busier than Christmas in Whoville today. Don’t worry, I’ll complain enough about that during the course of our adventure.
Right…I’ve had way too much coffee this morning. 3 coffees pre 10am probably wasn’t the best idea. Our 10am park arrival was vastly hindered by my weak bladder. Cold and coffee = the world’s best diuretic…who needs all these fancy drugs?
So yeah, by the time we arrived my bladder was ready to burst quicker than a water balloon at a wet T-shirt contest, and Jordan was in no rush to make haste and enter the park (needed her makeup for the scare actors init)…Pret to the rescue…an empty coffee cup makes a great makeshift urinal. Quick I’ve locked myself in, open the door Jo, I’m overflowing…QUICK!!!
Car seats safely out of the splash zone, and full Goblin makeup adorned…let’s go!!
Ah yes…Harry Potter and the The Infinite Security Line…no wonder they never released Harry’s exploits at Thorpe Park. This line was dire…like what the actual fuckos is going on here. I get its a big city theme park, and there are some unruly hoodlums about, but seriously, how the hell have Thorpe not fine tuned this yet. Nowhere else in the world have I seen such horrific waits to enter the line to enter the line…it made HHN lines look tame. Endless switchback hell, queue jumpers galore, and an angry Jordan. A sign of things to come I guess…today was the last day of Thorpe Parks 2024 season, and around about 80,000 people were here to give it a send off into the new year.
Finally…FINALLY we are in!!! Quick beeline to Hyperia. 130 minute wait?! FUCK! Right…single rider it is…that’s got to be quicker right? Ok so take your bets…security was an hour wait…will Hyperia be shorter or longer?
Bruce Forsyth returns from the grave to play a Fright Nights special edition of the Price is Right…Jordan is selected to play, and completely dooms the ride. Yeah, the curse of Jordan strikes again…The results are skewed due to the entrance of the ride breaker herself…JORDAN FLETCHER. Another ride breakdown to add to the list of doomed attractions touched by Jo. Nice one, I had good odds on Hyperia outdoing Thorpe Park Security.
Grieving the loss of £100 to Brucie, my prayers are quickly answered as money begins raining from the sky. £100’s of notes fall from the sky in some form of God like Crystal Maze finale…the crowds go wild frantically grabbing at the notes falling from heaven…oh wait. Yep, some poor fucker had ignored the signs to stow loose articles in zip pockets or a bag, and decided to go throw caution to the wind…well caution, money, keys and cards. Madness…especially the kids grabbing as many notes as they could and legging it before it could be retrieved…guess they heard Fright Nights merch was on offer and had already spent their pocket money on freestyle cups and chocolate strawberries.
Anyway…Hyperia kicks back in, great as ever…bloody love this ride.
Witnessing daylight robbery had worked up our appetite…time for Thorpe Park to do a little bit of robbery of their own…£12.50 for a handful of nachos, a dash of pulled pork and some cheese?? Get in my belly you overprice bastard! Pretty tasty to be fair…but come on.
Pockets emptied from the nacho cart, we head for the superior Nemesis…only a 100 minute wait. Damn! Why not, nothing I like more than waiting in the freezing cold in a long assed line. Luckily Nemesis resides in a volcano, and by the time we finally board I’m ready to jump in just to warm up.
Exit through the gift shop, and pick up the best event merch known to man…Fright Nights scarves. It’s cold, I needed one…and so did Jordan 😂.
Waltz through Big Easy Boulevard, all lit up and drowning in sponsorships from Fanta; we had a few snaps in the Fanta Photolab, manage to score a few freebies and take a few pics at the Scarecrow crucifixion photo op on the way to our Fright Nights experience. Yep, a Scarecrow Crucifixion photo area…as odd as it sounds, but what the hell…Fright Nights init.
So, UK theme park scare events are run really strangely…you don’t need a ticket to enter the events, just to enter the mazes, and you only get an hour and a half time slot to do them all…never gonna happen; especially not today.
VIP it is then. Yep, I don’t like the pressure of rushing, so I’d booked the Phantom Four VIP experience. Basically a guided front of line fast track ticket…well well worth it. We grouped up, our guide met us and basically told us we’d do all mazes back to back and then can bugger off and do our own thing…perfect!
Start at ‘Trailers’…technical difficulties. Great. Start at ‘Dead Beat’. An end of the world party run by a Demonic Dog DJ…sounds like fun. Set in the old Black Mirror Maze (absolute shite), we are escorted to the front of the line, given the heads up by the party coordinator, and then unleashed into the party. Smoke, Strobes and empty boo holes. The sets were good the vibe was fun (kinda like a better version of the Weeknd house from HHN31), more smoke than a group of teens at a vape convention, but there were hardly any actors in there. Shame, was looking forward to getting terrorised by coked up demonic ravers. Best stick to Merthyr.
Right, back to ‘Trailers’…oh…no… technical difficulties again? The movies had started playing fuck and causing absolute havoc with the guests. ‘Stitches’ it is then. We did this house last year, and it was amazing. Same again this year…Toy company plays fuck, and turns people into toys…nothing creepy about that at all. Seriously though, lacking actors again, but some real Orlando level sets and story…bloody brilliant. Oh, and a fucking Mannequin room (I hate Mannequin rooms). Such a good maze.
Right…’Trailers’? Nah, the guides have more sense and veered us off to the most intense maze of the event apparently; ‘Survival Games’. A concept of a guest led Running Man/Hunger Games…split up, caged and dragged around the maze. Half decent, but not as intense as billed…have a become brave nowadays? I very much doubt it, but I think I’ve desensitised myself a bit. 10 years ago….10 years ago the exit door would have taken a hammering or feel the wrath of a terrified 27 year old Dean cowering in the corner of the first room.
We exit to rounds of applause and fanfare…yay we survived!! We did lose a member of the group mind, forever lost to the maze, destined to be the latest victim of Thorpe Park. I did wonder why we had to give consent to the camera at the entrance; thats the kind of jeopardy Jordan was looking for in ‘Daz Games’.
Mouring the loss of our party, we finally headed to the poor man’s ’Slaughter Sinema’…’Trailers’. Finally getting the monsters to temporarily cease their tomfoolery, we head into SuperSpark Cinema and enter the movies. Good concept…the real world/movie world combines, and you are thrust into B Movie horror flicks…and a bloody mannequin room!!
So yeah, that’s the tour done…all mazes are great, but severely lacked actors…like all the actors pulled a last night sickie or something. Will had fun mind.
Quick walk through the Crows before Ho’s Scare zone (that’s the actual name btw…maybe). Decent scarecrow zone; well the girl behind us screaming him she was being stalked by Leatherface probably disagrees though.
Spot of dinner, with a brief show from the aggressive hotdog man. 2 bratwurst my good man….no innuendo please whilst I hammer this girthy footlong 🙄. It was weird when some guy from a site called Redtube or something handed me his card and told me he like my technique…whatever that means.
Quick browse of the merch, and time to head home…we did think of a Hyperia at night ride, but decided against a freezing cold 3 hour wait for a 30 second ride…again, stop your innuendo children.
Had a good day, but no way will we do the last day of the season again…absolutely mental.
Cheers Thorpe…see you next year.
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